Thursday, January 09, 2014

standoff

Standoff with the neighbour this morning.

Haven't seen her since she cock blocked our building plans. 

Had a library of comebacks and agreed scenarios backed up in my head for this day. I was ready.

She would knock on the door, I would answer, wearing my pyjamas, which wouldn't quite fit over my bump, and her eyes would be drawn immediately to the sheer rotundness of my double-cargoed abdomen.

I'd start the standoff with a "Oh yeah? And you're knocking on our door, because?....

Where she would say, "Oh lo lo, ze banging and ze bumping of ze workers bashing ze concrete is making me une massive retarde. 'Ow dare you bring ze builders into ze building when I said you cannot! Do you want me to suicide myself?"

"Ah I see, my mistake. I thought you were here for a valid reason. It can't be for legal reasons, because we aren't doing anything here that isn't within the regulations. And if you are complaining about noise, then I RAISE you. Because your stomping and screaming and shouting can be heard well into our bedroom every night, through the floor.
So the only conclusion is that you've come to borrow a cup of sugar."

So that was my imagination. Apologies.

This is actually what happened.

Hear her leave house. Wait two minutes. Leave house.
Instead this morning, she is still standing on the pavement.

She turns. I freeze. Face off. Eye contact.
She looks me up and down. I puff my bump out.

"Allo" she says.

"Hello." I say.

I walk off towards the direction of the tube.  

6 comments:

noodle said...

Haaaaaa!

Val said...

Brilliant!!!!! :)

Secret said...

LOL! Made me laugh! :)

An Aussie in Africa said...

In other news, on the road in the middle of nowehere today (ie Kokstad) I head your interview on East Coast Radio. Nice to put a voice to the blog :). You sounded very profesh and not at all overwhelmed by the invasion of your body by two beloved parasites. Good job xx

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks chaps :)

Aussie - ah, thank you! Very pleased I managed to pull off being slightly professional at the times I need to be :)
Kokstad you say!

An Aussie in Africa said...

You sounded great! With a slight English twang on your accent occasionally, don't know if that brings you joy or pain. I'm not sure what my accent is anymore either after 6 years here, its the expat price you pay :).