It was inconclusive mostly, with a large portion of evidence pointing towards Molly's placenta.
We got lost in the hospital, and by the time we found my obstetrician's office, I was an hysterical mess.
Nerves and fear we would miss our appointment. First time I've thought about wanting to smoke a cigarette after more than a year.
We arrive, she has a giant folder of paper on her desk with my married name on it.
My obstetrician was amazing. Having her tell us the news and explain possibly how Molly died was a small comfort. She couldn't believe how Sebastian had grown and how beautifully chubby he was. The last time she saw him he was a skinny little yellow boy.
So. Did they find anything?
Her placenta was small. Hers was in the tenth percentile, meaning 10% of the population they've tested on has survived this.
Placenta size isn't indicative of the quality of placenta, however, but it could mean she wasn't getting what she had to to survive. She was the size of a 32 week baby when she was born.
She also had a small vulnerability with her umbilical cord, which was positioned entering the placenta at the side (there's a term for this, I can't remember it). It means the cord veins are exposed.
Did my fall therefore rupture these or compromise anything?
She checked for me, knowing I'd ask this. Apparently there was no sign of rupturing.
There were no genetic, blood or other problems. She was otherwise perfect and stopped growing as she should at roughly 32 weeks, dying at 34.
Sebastian's placenta was also small. But less so, on the case that 50% of those tested survive. And he did. So today I fell in love with my boy child all over again, realising how achingly special he is.
If we had waited another week for him to be delivered he might not have made it. This is what they feared. So having him at 36 weeks luckily meant he was alright.
Did this happen because its a twin thing or a Peas thing?
She said twins actually have big placentas. So mine being small suggests that perhaps I need to be monitored if I ever get pregnant again.
She said I'll get scanned every two weeks and I would need to have my child early. At 34 weeks to be precise.
Another prem baby. Probably in special care. Something I'll need to think about and prepare for if and when that time comes.
The last full scan I had when Molly was alive was 30 weeks. She was small but still in the range of a healthy child.
She wouldve started to fall behind at 32 weeks. But of course I wouldn't have known this. With twins being such a high risk pregnancy, and one twin always being weaker/smaller than the other, my one question is this - surely, surely, twin mum's should be scanned more regularly than even we are no? Every two weeks at least. With a 32 week scan they might've picked up things weren't right and I could've maybe given birth shortly after that. Perhaps her life could've been saved.
Maybe not. I just don't get why we aren't scanned more often.
Her small placenta doesn't necessarily mean that's what killed her. Her placenta was still considered 'quality' by its consistency and non-granular appearance. But the evidence points towards that being small wasn't enough for her. That's why the evidence is considered presumptive.
But knowing the same fate could've happened to Seb made me feel something today that I didnt expect to feel: appreciative.
I feel sad and awful for Molly. But today I also felt a renewed sense of gratitude that my precious little boy survived a similar synopsis.
I have squeezed him tighter today as a result.
So that's that. My small placentas.
Molly's memory tree. From the Brit's parents, complete with an angel.
Today is the day I'm meant to feel total closure and let it go. We will see how that goes.