Saying goodbye is hard.
This is why it's taken me months to do so. But last night I realised that I need to make it official.
I'm hanging up my hat on Peas On Toast after twelve years.
I have dragged my heels, as this blog has done so many things for me. It wouldn't be right to just up and leave without some sort of eulogy for the place that has been my creative outlet for the better part of my 20s and 30s.
Back in 2005, when writing thoughts on the Internet was relatively unknown, I loved that I could share all the things with five people who didn't know me. It caught on, and suddenly it took me to the dizzying heights of Z-grade Internet celebrity status in South Africa; something quite bizarre and unexpected; it gave me a platform I never knew was possible. As a result of of this little blog, I can attribute it to helping me get a book deal with a major publisher, help me get a job at a wonderful company that I would never have dreamed of previously, got me freelance work, my own column, and most importantly, throughout it, served as a place I could write about my daily trials and tribulations and feed my own creativity, no matter what was going on in the world and in my life.
I have so much to be thankful for, and am so grateful for the readers that have popped by daily, weekly and monthly. I have also met some incredible people directly and indirectly because of my blog.
But it's also time to face facts. My life has changed. I don't have much to say at the moment. I am a mum, and how my brain works, has changed. Parenting, for me, is made up of brief, little moments, all bunched together, haphazardly. This just doesn't serve the creative outlet I need right now. I just don't know how to write currently, to be honest. While I sadly lamented this massive missing piece of me recently, I know that it will return. And for the moment, there are other ways I can share and piece together the chaos that is my life at the moment. I am on Instagram, so please do find me there if you are interested.
This platform has taken me through hugely transitional phases of life; starting with the trivial and run-of-the-mill (heart breaks, moves, travels, marriage, parenting, children, etc) to the more serious and less common (losing a child, having twins, immigration, etc). I will leave it just as it is. Pink and unformatted, unedited, just as my life is. Maybe it'll still be here in a few years, and maybe it won't.
To date, I have written a mind-boggling 2211 posts. I've had 20691 profile views and 1,126,000 pageviews. It's not a fuckton, but it's enough for me. The reason I have banged away at this for so long is because it forces me to write, find structure in chaos, be an outlet for frustrations and revelations. After my small peak in popularity, I continued to do it for years and I am so glad I did. It serves as a document, small section of history for the most transitional stages of my life.
For my children: you'll find a lot of swearing and bad things in here. By no means does this mean you can do it too. I'm still your mother. And I love you more than words, pictures or thoughts could ever express. You might find this one day, and you may be strangely amused or entertained, you may even be horrified or appalled. I had a lot to learn. You will too.
You (three) are everything my life has led up to - anything beyond the achievement of having you is small fry. Having you healthy, happy and loved is all I want for you, Sebastian and Florence.
So this is me, signing off. I'll be back. And I'm still floating around on social media, because there are moments in life that are meant to be shared. I am so proud of you both.
Thanks for everything, interwebs.
Peas On Toast