Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Types of nightclub people

The Sneaker Outers: They evacuate the building alone or with someone without informing the rest of the group. The group, only realising much later due to crowds and alcohol suddenly go: “Say…where the fuck is Chris?”

The Smash It In Your Facers: There are two categories of Smash It In Your Facers. The boozers, as in “I’m off to down ten Jaegermeisters,” and then does it. And the other category are those that lunge or end up snogging something in a dark corner all evening. Or graunch more than one thing in the evening. Both categories usually merge – one doesn’t work without the other, type of thing.

The Saturday Night Fevers: Alcohol makes them think they can dance. They also mostly think they dance as well as a black person, but they don’t. They do the Macarena, or the Electric Slide, The Running Man or The Fandango across the dancefloor, or like I’ve seen at the Colony Arms: break dance. Badly. You can tell who has the potential to be a Saturday Night Fever: they have no co-ords, they always scream “This is my song!” and rush off to wow the crowds in the centre of a circle. I’m one of these.

The Sentimentalists: “I love you. You’re my best friend. You are going to be the godmother to my children.” They hug their friends (and anyone else passing by usually) compulsively, and often this ritual ends with tears, hugs and more “You’re just my best friend ever.”

The Aace Targets: The one’s who stomp up to you and demand “China, did you just frow me wiff a piece of aace [ice]? And then try to punch anything in sight.

The Fightey Couples: They argue about something they don’t remember about the next day. Like innocent flirting, or she flashed her tits, or he didn’t remember her mother’s second name.

The Lovey Dovey Face Suckers: couples that might as well not go clubbing, because they’re attached to each other and are getting stuck in as though nobody else is actually there.

The Let’s Do Something Cray-zeeeeee’s: Drive their cars into the bushes after exiting the club because they thought it would be funny, take all their clothes off and streak in public, steal road signs and traffic cones, take more than one person home at once, or try to climb out of windows when the door is open.

The Please Take Me Home’s: Your mate isn’t having as swell a time as you, or vice versa. She’s seen her ex boyfriend and is whining in your ear about it. Or you’ve seen your ex boyfriend snog something and all you want to do is go home and wail about into your pillow. Or everyone else is pissed and you’re not. Waiting to be taken home is as shitty as having a mate want you to take her home when you’re dancing on the ceiling.

The Messy’s: They vomit on the bar counter, drool beer all over themselves, their faces drop and they can’t talk, they’ve passed out under a speaker cradling a bottle of cane, or they’re throwing their name all over the place – but not in a funny way.

The No But Of Course I Can Drivers: They’re so pissed, they leopard crawl to their cars and still insist they can drive even though they can’t find the keyhole.
Usually an argument ensues, where someone tries to get hold of their keys, or a “fine, fuck up your life and kill someone.” Followed by “Fuck off, I’m perfectly fine for godsh shake. I only had shix drinksh.”
Usually a sharp slap or another drink to make them pass out sorts out the problem.

The Nap Overers: You only know once you get the phone call the next day.
“Shit fuck shit. I slept over at Clifford’s place. Again.”
Or “Do you remember the name of the guy sleeping next to me?”
Or “How do I get out of here without waking him up?”
Or “I met the most incredible oke last night, fuck I wonder if he’s going to phone me? Do you think he will? Why hasn’t he phoned me yet?”
Or “I got laid. It was good. A much needed, necessary shtoinking. But moving on.”

The scary thing is we’ve all been those things at one time or another. Or in many circumstances, all of the above on one night.

I know I have.

73 comments:

Crusoe said...

Why did I keep picturing Bourbon Street in it's hayday? The people passed out in clubs are the best. You know they had an absolute party and they won't remember any of the bad stuff. Plus everyone gets to laugh at them :)

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - I could quite possibly be talking about Bourbon Street. :)
How are you big guy?

High in Dubai said...

Peas, that post was such a classic!

I am sure that everybody has been one or many of those people on a partee nite!!!

I think you categorized them perfectly... I now have labels when laughing at them - or more probably when trying to describe my behaviour of the night before, the morning after...

Martin said...

I haven't.

22 said...

Brilliant peas - you've nailed it on the head here, bahaha! I've definitely been one or more of those people many times... Love your blog.

Peas on Toast said...

High in Dubai - Thanks man! Yip I think there's a little everything in all of us, hey? ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Martin - I know.

22 - thank you for your kind compliments!
Glad to hea I'm not alone! ;)

Jam said...

I think I've been many of those, some of them never.
I have been a Sneaker Outer a lot though, confession. It was normally when I'd behaved like a Smash It in Your Facer and needing my bed without having to justify why. And being blind drunk meant that I ended up being a Saturday Night Fever, a Sentimentalist and behaving like a Let’s Do Something Cray-zeeeeee on the way out. And then suddenly realising that I'd become a No But Of Course I Can Driver on the way home.

And all that in one night!

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Jam!
Never been an Aace Thrower then? ;)

Crusoe said...

Peas I am fantastic (which you know) :) 4 days left of work and then the big *sigh* and 3 day sleep.

How is Peas? Are you getting excited for the end of the year? Are we going to get together so I can watch you drink another bucket of strawberry flavoured alcohol again?

Jam said...

Nope. I generally don't get aggro when out - just friendlier and friendlier, depending on how much alcohol has been imbibed.

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - I know, three days till holidays, I can hardly wait! Let's get together soon, I'm keen for a jam jar! :)

Jam - I know dollface, I wouldn't imagine you getting aggro at all, was just kidding. :) I only get aggro on cane. So no more cane for me!

Daytripper said...

I used to be a bad No But of Course i can Driver, but otherwise i am generally a breed you have not identified here... A Pernenial Grinner... tend to get very smiley and happy and then leave unannounced (damn, OK, so I am that too!)

Peas on Toast said...

Daytriiper - I see a little Sentimentalist in you big guy! ;)

Lollipop said...

Reading those categories reminded me of every jol I have EVER been on, where I have identified each type and been a combination of many. I find 90% of the time I'm the Let's Do Something Cray-zee person with a bit of Sentimentalism and maybe Smash it in your face...twice with females.

Peas on Toast said...

Lollipop - speaking of Sentimentalism, don't you find you'll walk up to some random you maybe see twice a year, jump on them and profess your undying platonic love to them, and then on remembering, wince the next morning?

tBerry said...

Peas, babe...

You have just described last night... 'cept for the Aace targets and the Nap overers...

And, I got taxi home... 3rd night in a week..

Phuza Face!

Peas on Toast said...

tBerry - nice one bugger! Also you got a taxi home, which is uber sensible - more sensible than I am at any rate! ;)

Glad nobody frew you wiff aace eivver! ;)

Antoine said...

Ayup. A classic post for this time of the year.

I am most certainly a "saturday night fever who dances like no-one is watching (and people do turn away in horror)" coupled with the craaazy who trys to steal flags in full sight of the bouncer, runs nekked thru a hotel to give the croupier a rose cos she is cute amoung other strange escapades.

(oh wait - that was years ago) Now I just get pissed and fall asleep......

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Antoine! :)

Chatting up a cute croupier nekkid. How could she resist?

Antoine said...

*chuckle*

She did not even react - maybe cause I gapped it before I ended up in the local lockup.

The things we do for dares!

Lisa said...

Okay somehow my most classic moment this year didn't get catagorised.

Allow me to tell my saaaaad story.

Two weeks ago on a saturday night I got dumped. After a year. boo hoo.

I call BFF. She's not at home. She's at Fuel. So natch, I go to Fuel. walk in. Cue Oprah uuuugly cry. And for some reason, i decide the dancefloor is the best place for uuugly cry. Bear in mind I am fully sober - i don't drink (anymore).

However, I am not fully coversant with all my senses. Kleenex in one hand, other hand in the air, I decide I will *dance* through the heartache. Close friends were lovely.

Those in the place who didn't know me, apologies if you got snot en trane'd on.

I *was* the girl boo hoo-in' on the dancefloor...til 3 am.

Wierd huh?

other-duke said...

Hilarious. Truly

Peas on Toast said...

Lisa - dollface that is hectic, I'm sorry to hear about the break-up!
However dancing without boozing through the heartache is very sensible of you. After my break up this year, I found myself schnarfing tequila in the middle of Moloko. So you've definitely gone about this the right way!

Hope you feel better, keep strong.
xx

Peas on Toast said...

O-D - why thank you. ;)

Jam said...

Hugs Lisa.

other-duke said...

there are also the 'guest list'/'high society' people. highly annoying if you're not one of them. tell-tale sign is when the bouncer removes the orange traffic cone from outside the door so he can park his Lambo there. But not before revving it first

Peas on Toast said...

O-D - LOL! One day, china, one day. It's only a matter of time until Hollywood discovers our wild, enigmatic talent...and we'll be way better those people.

PS: In the meantime, I guess we're just gonna have to steal traffic cones...

duke said...

ouch. I spent this weekend as a combination of these characters. You left off the "Hey guys, let's smoke some dagga" types, usually to be found buying horrible pies at BP Express at about 4am...

Peas on Toast said...

Duke - you're right, very relevant:

The Hey Let's Get Stoneds
and
The 4:00am BP Pie Smackers

Very, very important! ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Oohh...I must be a Smash it in your Saturday Nite Sentimentalist

Personas seem to morph as the nite usually progresses.
Although in all honesty, at 4:30 on Sun morning I was the Sneaker Outer..my bad.

I'm going to hijack your post briefly; it's for a fun cause.
Go check out the Tooth Fairy and tell me what you think.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - a sneaker outer at 4:30am doesn't count when the club owner tells you he's closing up. :)

I love the tooth fairy! Is that you, you sexy beast?

Third World Ant said...

Dude! Your forgot the Whitney Houstons - the ones who will grab any microphone in sight and start crooning (very badly, very loudly, often without knowing the words) - sound familiar? ;)

Peas on Toast said...

The Ant/Fourmi du Monde Troisieme - oy! Eat my dust!

:)

xx

Revolving Credit said...

What about the Bar Stalkers, those cheap bastards who try and sponge free drinks off other drunks.

Caution: Works well on Sentimentalists who are trying to prove to th world that they love everyone.

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Rev - have you been a sucker sentimentalist under that tough exterior big guy?

"How about a drink?

Sure. I love you. You're my best friend.

"Whatever, freak. Just get me a drink."

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
This reminded me of a song by
Rodriguez (A MOST DISGUSTING SONG - from the album - AFTER THE FACT), you should try and get your hands on it... In the song Rodriguez simply goes through all the types you get in bars and clubs... almost like your post here.

You forgot one group "THE STAFF" (DJs, bouncers and bar people), they normally look at all these *types* for entertainment... I played in many a clubs and I know exactly what you are referring to... brilliant post!

Get that Rodriguez song ...!
....A MOST DISGUSTING SONG!!

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - I most certainly will, thanks guy! :)

Revolving Credit said...

A drunk and his money are soon parted!

Daedalus said...

That is soooo true Revo...
I neeed help! LOL

Peas on Toast said...

Revo and D-Guy - I think we need to start a support group. Cos if it isn't cold, hard cash - a drunk and his plastic is soon parted....

Insane Insomniac said...

You know, the funny thing is, each type of label has thier poison. I can turn into any one of them depending on what i'm drinking. But i prefer to be the Saturday Night Fever, followed by the Lets do something Crazeee then ending the evening with the Sentimentalism.

Lollipop said...

I try win the bottle of champs, free booze! with bubbles!
Shit I havent been to a foam party for like ever! There everyone fits into one category Covered in Foam and going Blind.

I can split this group however into :Those Who Can Wear Bikinis and Those Who Just Shouldnt

Peas on Toast said...

Touchay Insane. When I drink cane I turn into the Aace Target. When I drink gin and tonics, I'm the Sentimentalist. ;)

Lollipop - ha ha, and those with manboobs that shouldn't wear white t-shirts...;)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
True on that "plastic thing"...
Booze and Petrol seem to chow it...

Revolving Credit said...

They should just sell booze at the petrol station - would make life so much simpler.

Daedalus said...

Revo,
I think some petrol stations in Suspension City already does..., and have been doing so since the 80s. Hahaha! ... You just need to know the exact spot on approach to flash you lights and a guy comes running with the bottles

Revolving Credit said...

Maybe if they let you use the Petro Card at the Pub!!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Now you're talking chaps.

Using the petrol card at say The Colony. Petrol = fuel
Booze = fuel
(therefore) petrol = booze.

That's how I'd explain it in court.

("It's simple maths fuckers!")

Revolving Credit said...

So Peas, what type of mileage do you get to the gallon.

Peas on Toast said...

I've done some long trips this year, Rev. And the fuel consumption has been high, especially during times when I need a service.
On average, 2 litres in one kilometre/one hour.

I have a large tank.

Revolving Credit said...

Its like this year you tried to see how long you could go without a service. Of course, that does lead to higher fuel consumption as your oil levels were low and no-one stuck their dipstick in your sump to see if you needed a good lubricating

Good to see that you managed a major service just before the holidays.

Peas on Toast said...

You got it boet.

The longer I went without the service, the more fuel I consumed, and the less oil I had. This meant my engine was basically and gradually falling apart, which isn't great for the service record. So I changed the break pads, had a service, tightened my clutch pedal and got a service before my long trip in December. I'm gonna be doing a lot of driving up and down the western cape coastline, so figured I best get a service before then.

The fuel consumption has gone down, marginally.

Wezzo said...

Haha great post, I can proudly say that I've been every single on of those types. Ah good times.

Revolving Credit said...

I suspect you're going to be wanting regular servcing for now.
Kinda like a formula 1 race where you pitstop every 15 laps.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Wezziepoo. ;)

Rev - yip now that the engine is back in shape, the oil has been changed and refilled, and the engine is running smoothly and consistently, and even now with the fuel consumption down to an acceptable level, I might want to amek this sevice a more regular thing. Every 50 laps with a tyre change if need be. The more you servie, the better the engine feels afterall. It's also safer for everyone else on the roads.

kyknoord said...

All in one night? That would be - what - a dodecathelon? Impressive. Are you sure you're a journalist and not in the Merchant Marines?

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas.

Meaning to ask u - so unrelated to the topic today.
How is that butt patch working? Im wanting to go on it too. And can u buy it over the counter?

Thanks Babe.

tBerry said...

Okay, can someone explain to me who the hell decided to mix good old Jeagermeister with Satins elixir Red Bull?
I am still shaking and having pulpitations...
I swore I would never touch the stuff again...that was Thursday night... and here I am again.
Just got told that I put the boerie meisie's to shame on the dance floor... Saturday Night Fever on Monday night!

Daedalus said...

Wez,?
You have been every single one of those types?
Bwhahaha!

Lollipop said...

tberry- have you not heard that mixing energy drinks and alcohol has the same affect as a rape drug. Get enough in and you're totally vulnerable.
I cant stand the taste of evergy drinks, coke makes me hyper enough - as in coke a cola...ahem

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - you reckon I could do it, or you just baiting me? ;)

Anon - so far so good. My boobs are very sensitive though, like how they get before you come on. They're sore all the time. Bugger, but other than that all is good with the butt patch.

tBerry - dude, you're being punished for having so much fun last night. They tend to do that: make you the top of the world the night before the morning you come crashing down...

zuzula said...

well observed!

My friend was out with someone the other night who got in a mood when the night came to an end because she wanted to party on (despite it being about 3am and a school night). so she stropped off to get a cab... and woke up in a swanky apartment in Chelsea the next day (not hers) with a note on the pillow saying 'see yourself out'. she has a very hazy memory of having a row with a random guy in the cab queue, then sharing his cab because neither could agree on who was first... and then making out. twice. only once with condom. tsk. she still doesn't know his name!

Peas on Toast said...

Zu - hilarious! Fighting with the oke then suddnely deciding he's shtoink-material. Happens all the time! :)

zuzula said...

it's the stuff of soap operas...

Champagne Heathen said...

All in one night!? At least I have something to aspire to! I think. Can't say for sure if I haven't already reached my goal, and slept it away in Jack/ John's bed.... Peas! I found your friend John and he is hot!! What? Oh, is this not John? Then who the hell's bed am I in??? Oh wait, I'll just check this here ID on the bed counter." Good times.

(Footnote: Please note to the rest of you that all I did in Jack/John's bed was sleep!!)

Kel said...

lol @ you Pea's.Classic!!
Ive definately been all of those 'cept for the "frow you wiff ice" thing LOL.

karaoke queen said...

LOL! You can add another category for us living in Japan - 'the I can sing like Mariah Carey at karaoke' peeps. And the 'So drunk they passed out on the street' peeps. More common than you would think here :) Mostly salaryman clutching their faux leather briefcases in one hand and their cellphone/train pass in the other.

Many a morning I have had to walk around a few peeps of this variety. I take pictures sometimes too - just for laughs.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - I'll never forget that phonecall. Ever. Classic. ;)

Kel - I'm glad you don't frow aace. :)

Karoake - Now this I gotta see - drunk businessmen passing out in the streets after a bout of karaoke and too much saki. I've always wanted to see Japan, it's my next travel goal.

evgenia said...

Amazing classification! I know I've been all of the types at some point of my life.
Which category do the drunk dialers go though?

Dusty said...

Your rants as a thug bitch would be more effective if you had a clue how to write. Being abrasive is not enough anymore, it's old news and been there done that thinking.

Ricardo said...

hahaha nice this article, the worst flaw or problem that I saw is that I can identify with the descriptions listed here, I liked this blog. but does not say here is that after that I buy viagra and celebrate with my wife.

vanillapetal said...

i was totally roaring with laughter when i read this. clearly i'm a bit late in the game but i just found your blog and LOVE it. and right this second i am buying your book on kalahari.net

thanks for the much needed giggle!