Saturday, January 20, 2007

da mafia

We were having a pretty intense conversation at work yesterday about the mafia.
As people do, when poring over computer screens, slamming down staplers and mumbling unidentifiable things into telephone receivers.
Which got me thinking. The mafia is a rather creative bunch. Usually they ‘do’ their nemeses with a simple bullet in the back of the head. You know, clean, clinical killing. But often, they’ve been the perpetrating ‘thinking out of the box’ types, where some of the most obscene murders have been more than flamboyant.

I wonder - do they have staff meetings? You know, at head office, around a boardroom table (…), to discuss how their next victim will die?

[Cut to giant mansion in Palermo, Sicily – overlooking the expansive turquoise waters of the exquisite Amalfi coastline….]

Donnie Brasco: I am gonna kill dat son of’bitch, Al Capone. And a bullet to da head is too purile for dat weasel.

Frank Sinatra: I hear you Big Dawnie [Donnie]. Let’s smash him in’kneecaps.

Donnie Brasco: Don’t be so hasty Frank. Dat got us in trouble da last time. No. Dis time I draw da line. I asked him to gimme da damn money, and he just laffed in my face. Dis time, he’s a dead man. He’s embezzled haff my cash, not to mention my wife, in da Caymans.

Frank Sinatra: Who, Maria?

Donnie Brasco: No, dat’s my mistress you idiot. We need something so cunning, so brutal…’so never tried before’.

Frank Sinatra: We can tar and feather him.

Donnie Brasco: It’s been done.

Frank Sinatra: OK, what about napalming his house?

Donnie Brasco: Frank you’re a fool. We don’t know where he lives. If we did, he’d be dead already.

Frank Sinatra: I goddit. Let’s put plutonium in his fusilli!

Donnie Brasco: Frank. I know we have ties with Fidel Castro who tells me he has a Cuba-sized chunk of plute in his basement, but dat’s very….KGB. No Frank, we gotta bit more creative panache dan dat.

Frank: A bow and arrow to da heart?

Donnie: You’re startin’ to irritate me Frank…and we know what happens when Donnie gets irritated.

Frank: Sorry bawce [boss]. I’ve always Done It My Way.

[pause]

Donnie: Dat’s not funny Frank. You think you’re funny? You’re funny now, huh wise guy? Are you a wise guy now Frank?

Frank: No bawce. Just kidding bawce.

Donnie: F’you not careful Frank, I’ll slip somethin’ into your soda dat’ll make your balls start to itch somethin’ epic. You want dat Frank?

Frank: No bawce.

Donnie: Sing me a song Sinatra, while I think of what I’m gonna do to dat ferret ass Capone.

Frank: “Start spreadin’ the noooz…I’m leavin’ today…I wanna be a part of it….Noo York, Noo York….These liddle town blooz…”

Donnie: OK shuddup. I godda plan.
We gonna smoke this liddle cretin right outta his hole, Sinatra. And it ain’t gonna be preddy.
We gonna… bagel him.

Frank: huh?

Donnie: My henchmen tell me he’s in Da Big Apple. I’m gonna do somethin’ even the people of Noo York will appreciate. Al Capone’s head, by the end of dis week – mark my words Sinatra – is gonna be spread like cream cheese over da biggest bagel da world has ever seen.

Frank: You can’t be serious bawce.

Donnie: Oh I’m serious Frank. I’ll get Daniella from Gino’s Bakery, on da corner of 23rd and 10th, to bake me a man-sized bagel. Then I’ll saw da bagel in haff, stuff him in, and display it in da middle of Times Square. With a sign: ‘This is an Al Capone bagel.’

Frank: You. You’re good you. No. You. You’re good you.

Donnie: Yeah all dat and a bag of chips. Sing me another song Sinatra.

I think I’ve been reading too much American Pyscho.

74 comments:

Revolving Credit said...

OK Peas, best you try some decaf.
Seems like the caffeine is affecting you higher brain functions.

I know you said you were a gangsta, but this is not what I imagined.

Urk said...

taking the piss of the mafia? looks like dose concrete shoes'll fit ya real good when the Boss hears of this and takes ya for a swim, ya rotten snitch. Capiche?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I blame work stress and Bret Easton Ellis. ;)

Urk - Concrete shoes? Now dat's an interestin' way to snuff someone's lights out. I'm thinkin' da bawce will like dis idea for Capone, Urk.

Champagne Heathen said...

HA HA HA HA Peas! When you're ready for a job change I'm sure some B Grade Hollywood movies could use a second scriptwriter!!

Your pirating voyages being taking you off around the Amalfi coast, and that's where you've bumping into & associating with such characters?

Anonymous said...

To tink we have da staff meetings would mean we are a democracy!

Da Boss is da Boss. He Talks we listen.

He said "I wanna Al's head on a baigel"

We oblige.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - B Grade movies?? I'm a gonna have to pull some strings with da bawce about dis one...
:)

Anon - He talks, we listen. He says bagel, we do da bagel. :)

tBerry said...

Peas, you rock!
That was brilliant.

One of my staff thinks I'm crazy cos I was tawkin' to myself in a funny accent.

Had to read it out loud for the full effect.

Elle said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA.... Oh peas you crack me up! I think the best way to bust a cap in ass is simply to frank and Donnie stop arguing and invite him to one of their Sunday lunches then slowly poison him.

Peas on Toast said...

tBerry - thanks big guy. I been tawking Noo York gangsta da whole day, so between you and I, our co-workers are gonna think we cooked bru. :)

Elle - I like da way you think, and I'm certain da Bawce will too. Ever considered a career in da mafioso?

kyknoord said...

Brilliant? Did the Ant help you out as a technical or creative consultant??

Elle said...

Oh Peas, ever since I reads da last Don I have being hoping the bawce would keep me a call and ask me to join the family.

Peas on Toast said...

No Kyk - Da Ant has no idea about my mafioso ties.

Champagne Heathen said...

Aaah, Peas, we know if you actually put months into it, you'd write a Oscar-winning movie. This hilarious script you came up with in but minutes. (Is Champs trying to kiss ass so as to ensure she doesn't wake up with a horse's severed head in her bed as a gentle warning?!?!?!)

As for the comment by Anon....it seems you've attracted the dear mafia right to your doorstep Peas!! Da na na naaaaa....

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - welcome to da family my friend. I have a feelin' 2007 is gonna be a very...lucrative year.

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - thanks sweedie. I love it when people kiss my ass, since I godda do so much of dat myself with da bawce.
You wanna join da family?

Elle said...

Peas, thank you. As to what Champ said, i think he has a point. I did just finished my honours in film and I believe with your talent and my movie know how. We could be thanking people at the Kodak theatre soon..

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - I love da movie bidness. A perfect front for lots of money launderin'. Whadoyoussay we hit Broadway baby?
Or maybe not, cos I'm not a good actor.

Elle said...

definitely the perfect front. baby you don't have to act, just come up with ideas, I will take care of the rest! sì?

Peas on Toast said...

Capishe. ;)

other-duke said...

You talkina me!

Clearly you are cooked. And hungover, i'm guessing

Peas on Toast said...

O-D - Cooked yes, hungover no. A mafioso has godda keep his wits about him at all times.

Hot Pink Flush said...

Peas?
You rock! I think I'm in love!
This is on a par with my SMS Erotic Soap Opera (each episode written in 190 characters or less...every tried writing steamy sex a la Eyes Wide Shut for characters named Ted and Pam?)

Wanna collaborate?
That? Totally rocks!

Urk said...

Fugheddaboutitttt. git ouutta hee-aer

SaM-GiRL said...

HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!! Great stuff! I needed the giggle! thanks!

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - You love me! Aw, you gonna make me blush... :)
I like da sound of da sms soapie - just don't tell da bawce I'm gedding all mushy now. ;)

Urk - No you ged oudda heee-ar. ;)

Sam-Girl - Aw...you know gigglin' always comes at a price. But I'll let you off dis time. :)

Insane Insomniac said...

overlooking the obvious time issues with DonnieBrasco and Sinatra in teh same room - Sinatra would have been the Don.
Anyways, a real life mobster was arrested yesterday. Apparently, the Don was lounging in prison, so the wife kept running the show. Not bad for an ex-showgirl.

But I agree with Rev - switch to decaff.

Revolving Credit said...

Since this is South Africa, does that make you a member of 'La Xhosa Nostra'.

Elle - You said :'As to what Champ said, i think he has a point.'

Champs is a SHE! There's enough Hot Pink/ Peas pseudo-lesbian activity going on without sowing further gender confusion.

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - decaff is for wussies. ;)

Rev - La Xhosa Nostra has made me a rich rich gangsta. I have a house on the exquisite Southbroom coastline.

OK, scratch that.

Champagne Heathen said...

Aaaah, Rev, thanks for upholding my womanhood there! (Yes, all puns intended. It is a Friday after all)

Elle said...

terribly sorry, my mistake... Champ, do accept my apologies. I have been spending to much time with mafioso... trying to get in the good books of the bawce.

Champagne Heathen said...

Elle, considering I can't speak in a Sicilian or a Bronx accent, I have little choice but to admit I am weaker than you, & so accept your apology.

sigh. I just realised I'd be one of the guys whose roll is to dig the holes next to the river if I was in the mafia. I think I need to go to the gym and buff up, and the go to my mamma's restoerant to feel up oyn 'er pwasta.

See, a pitiful accent.

Elle said...

ah.. thank you.. you fit in just fine all that is needed to be a good a mafioso is to like your mamas cooking.. if can eat fusilli with shrimp the mafioso is easy. I think Peas can pull strings with the bawce.

SimonSays said...

chick, you are seriously fucked up

Peas on Toast said...

Simon - aw...such complimenti. Stop stop [stawp stawp] you makin' me gooey.

Revolving Credit said...

Stop stop [stawp stawp] you makin' me gooey.

Does Dick know about this???

Peas on Toast said...

Dick is Da Bawce.

[gasps from audience]

muddlepuddle said...

The rumours are true...... Agliotti ha illegitimate kids all over the show....
And you thought Daddy was a cooked pilot Peasypoo...

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah dat Agliotti...Donnie says: "I think we should pump him so fulla lead we can sharpen him and call him a pencil."

Champagne Heathen said...

Personally, I think I'd prefer to be part of the Japanese mafia. You get to play with way cooler swords!

If you get that desperate to be part of a mafia though, Peas, just go knock on your Nigerian neighbours' door for 'a chat'....

Elle said...

I am Nigerian.. i could hook u up!

Champagne Heathen said...

Really?? Cool!!

Peas, you're in there!

Unless you wanna stick with the Italians. I'll go with the Nigerians. And we'll conduct mafia wars across Jozi!

Elle said...

yes yes... good stuff! mafia wars....

PS: I am being interviewed because of my blog right by a certain newspaper... I would like to say this mafioso convo is helping with my answers...

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - dis is da best news ever! Can you hook me up dollface? I dig dis molto.

PS: Good luck with the interview - let us know when it prints!

muddlepuddle said...

You want to sharpen your own fathers pencil....jeez dude....

Elle said...

peas.. no big.. i call my boy chuks down Lagos.. he'll hook u up!

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - LOL. Agliotti ain't my dad. We go back long time...embezzling cash and hiding out in da Caymans though. Den he stabbed me in da back and now I wanna sharpen his pencil. :)

Elle - Excellent. Cheap flights to da Caymans too?

Elle said...

honey, I got your back.. just say the word.

muddlepuddle said...

The implication was that you are his illegitimate child (Agliotti's) and then suddenly you wanted to pump him and then sharpen his pencil....now I'm not instigating I'm simply stating the facts here as I read them.... :)

But in any case what does Donnie think of choking someone on their meatball?Ya know make it look like an accident....

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - Dis is very good nooz. I'll make sure dat Da Bawce can return da favour. ;)

Muddle - No Agliotti is my nemesis. Perhaps a nice, juicy, meaty ball swallowing while making it look like an accident would sort him out. :)

muddlepuddle said...

or a simple eraser should do the trick.....
once he's been pumped that is...

Elle said...

good good... anything for the bawce...

Peas on Toast said...

How bout we make him look like a Swiss cheese? Wit holes and shit?
"It was an accidnt Mr Officer, I swear!"

Elle said...

good idea peas.... I will call ours connection at the cheese factory.

muddlepuddle said...

Jeez elle.....any chance you can maybe hook me up with a phat car system Bose speakers,Ipod adaptor, base that'll blow yer tits off?????
Connections at the cheese factory???
Next you gonna tell us u know Agliotti's warden and you can sneak in the fateful meatball???!!!

Elle said...

that way we really turn him into swiss cheese.. We'll call it a factory tour gone back.. the bawce looks innocent.

Elle said...

muddle, just tell me what you need... the warden and I had brief affair.

Peas on Toast said...

"base that'll blow yer tits off?????"

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

muddlepuddle said...

Peasypoo I know you laugh but with age and gravity suddenly becoming factors I need something that'll blow some of my tits off....

fly said...

jees....I would hate to be on your bad side Pea's :-O

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle, hilarious. The imagery of that statement has made me giggle solidly for ten full minutes.

Fly - watcha back boy. :)

muddlepuddle said...

Fly even worse you could be on elle's bad side!!!!She can turn you into cheese dude...think about that

Elle said...

Muddle, just got off the phone with my connection in the Bronx.. a couple of the stuff you want just fell off a truck on 8th avenue... how would u like them delivered?

Peas on Toast said...

I like dat...it 'fell off the back of a truck.' Even merchandise can be made to look like an accident.

Elle said...

something to make da bawce proud.

Gypsy said...

peas you part of the mafia?

Elle, how you know a guy from the Bronx?

muddlepuddle said...

Yo elle.....any chance you can send it via ship. I'll meet the liner in the dead of night at the docks... but I want a chinese guy hiding in amongst the merchandise...you know to cook for me and stuff???

muddlepuddle said...

Shizerhund Peasypoo does this mean I finnaly get to blow some of my tits off?!!!??!??!?!

u gonna watch???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Elle said...

muddle your request is granted.. Chinese guy included. wear a black hat when you meet them.

gypsy, I help his little brwather Tonio out of a stick situation in sing sing a few years ago.. now he is indebted to me for life.

Gypsy said...

sing sing.. respect.

Peas on Toast said...

All that and a bag of chips.

Speaking of base - I'll be raving home to maximum ampage in about ten minutes to suck on some alcohol. Yippee!

Elle said...

I'm off mi mama's restorunt.

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Koekie said...

And I thought I needed sleep... !!

carlyritz said...

heya dahlin - seems we need to have some cwoffeee and chat about a few things :)

but i do love your script :) this one's fit for broadway!