Tuesday, January 23, 2007

three out of four

I managed to squeeze in three parties this weekend. Three out of four isn’t bad going, now.
I think it’s safe to say that my alcohol ban has been rapidly quashed.
The third party is worth a mention.
This is why.

After a birthday do on Saturday, Smoking Legs had to show face at another party while I attended a house party in Dunkeld. Ramone was relegated the task of being my chaperone for the evening. His task was to look after me and make sure I was protected by the forces of testosterone that would bequeath me at such an event.
Considering I came home with a moustache drawn onto my soft, feminine skin, he did a great job. No really. At first I thought he’d be fired, but actually he’s not bad. Ramone is available on 555-5555.
By all accounts, he was allowed to ‘come right with C, but not with me.’

Well as it happens, we all got a bit blotto. Which is so 2006, sure. Danced around with C and Little C extracting such moves like the One Armed Push Up and the Washing Machine (Please. Don’t ask.) Drinking vodka and kola tonic (we bring the classy stuff), then having some oke write on my arm “I Am Hot” in permanent marker when I distinctly, if I remember correctly, asked for Chunder and Thunder on my guns.
Ramone was doing a fabulous job of chaperone, you know disappearing for hours and hiding mine and C’s vodka in the bushes. At one stage I was sashaying around with a Styrofoam hat on my koppel that said “I Am Jake the Snake,” which C kept on flicking, then flicked my eyeball by accident. But back to the tangent. All was fairly sub-standard practice, until… I had a moustache drawn onto my face.

Oh my fuck.

I couldn’t hold back the horny okes much longer, what with a blue handle-bar guy on my lip. I was so priddy, Ramone didn’t need to be around as my protector.

Until someone drew two penises on his face, that is. A moustache and two wieners down the side of his face. Which he didn’t know about until, oh an hour later – executing raver moves on the makeshift dancefloor and spading chicks left right and centre – until he was asked why he had two beautiful circumcised willys on his cheeks.
We looked and felt like rock stars.
Wicked evening really.

Just have a slight watermark above my top lip this Monday morning, which my co-workers and boss make no meat about staring at. Let it be known that for over the last two days, I have burst into tears quite involuntarily over nothing at all. Tranvestites, think hard - do you really want to to be a woman?

Welcome back to boozeville, Peas. The hangover wasn’t all that and a bag of chips.

40 comments:

Jam said...

Oh boy! So sorry I missed a moustached Peas.
Perhaps the bursting into tears episodes ARE the hangover.
Or are you irritable too?

Pete said...

I watched Home and Away this weekend, so allow me to say 'What a rippa!!'

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I reckon it's a mixture of the hormonal, the hangover and deep esated Peas' issues at the back of the mind. Yikes it's crap!

Hope you feeling alright Jam - we missed you at the party.

Pete - Awwww what a rippa! So glad someone else can share my love for Summer Bay! (The people are hot hey?)

muddlepuddle said...

Yikes! Ramone was hit with two penii (penises doesn't flow off my tongue as well as penii)how unfortunate...
As for ridding yourself of the mousti cmon Peasypoo all you needed was to drool a little vodka on your top lip and do a litte errrm rubbing!
*snigger*

Nessie said...

Sounds like you had the guys in a tizz - impressive work. I doubt a fake 'tash would have dissuaded the boys from chasing you.

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - I tried that. It's mostly off, but there's no mistaking the blue tinge... Wat a night. :)

Nessie - awwww, you're too kind! ;)

muddlepuddle said...

Hmmmm.....perhaps some hydrogen peroxide then in that case...
God what I'd give to be sitting at the desk opposite you!
I'd be staring and subconsciously fingering my own top lip!
(yeek that just invited in a whole whck of trouble didn't it)

muddlepuddle said...

Hmmmm.....perhaps some hydrogen peroxide then in that case...
God what I'd give to be sitting at the desk opposite you!
I'd be staring and subconsciously fingering my own top lip!
(yeek that just invited in a whole whck of trouble didn't it)

muddlepuddle said...

Hmmmm.....perhaps some hydrogen peroxide then in that case...
God what I'd give to be sitting at the desk opposite you!
I'd be staring and subconsciously fingering my own top lip!
(yeek that just invited in a whole whck of trouble didn't it)

muddlepuddle said...

Crikey - whhhhhhhy computer whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????

Revolving Credit said...

Cuddle, you're fingering a bit too fast there!

Peas, next time, draw some sideburns as well. Nothing like a nice pair of lamb chops.

PS.Umm...how do I put this diplomatically... r u suffering from critial patch failure...knocked up...r u pregnant??
(stir,stir,stir,stir)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Muddle. I'm fiddling with my own top lip now too - three times over! :)

Rev - I most certainly am NOT pregant. Trust me on this one. ;)

muddlepuddle said...

I am staying away my pc has issues with your blog today Peasypoo.
Sorry :(

kyknoord said...

Three weeks isn't too bad. It means you achieved nearly 6% of your New Year's resolution - or, put another way, you got a 94% discount on your New Year's resolution ;-)

Revolving Credit said...

Was Ramone meant to be your chaperone or were you acting as his???

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - 6%! If we turn that to market share of say, a multi-billion ront parastatal, I'm not doing too badly! :)

Rev - It's really hard to tell. ;)

Pete said...

Rev - Pregnant?!

Revolving Credit said...

Pete, Peas is involuntarily bursting into tears for no apparent reason: Hormonal flux??

Champagne Heathen said...

The washing machine dance move???

(I wasn't party to that, was I??)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - more about that tomorrow. It's epic. :(

Champers - It's possible that you were involved, but the details are sketchy. ;)

Tamaryn said...

Is The Washing Machine anything like The Sprinkler?

My mate Jared can do that one professionally. It's fantastic.

Insane Insomniac said...

Just because a girl bursts into tears spontaneously doesn't mean she's pregnant or PMS'y or hormonal. Maybe she had an epiphany and was reduced to tears. or maybe they're tears of drunken happiness?

Sounds like you had a kickass weekend.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas said: " ..have burst into tears quite involuntarily over nothing at all"

Draw your own conclusions!

Peas on Toast said...

Tamaryn - haha, o thy lowly sprinkler is always a party favourite. You get three types: 1) the backwards/forwards one
2) the crazy motherfucker one
3) The revolving one.

Then you get...the Washing Machine. ;)

Insane - thanks dollface - you would make a great spokesperson my friend! :)

Rev - Nay nay. I am quite pleased that I am not with child my dear! ;)

Her Infinite Cuteness said...

Peas you are hysterical my girl! Love reading your various antics... Added you as a link on my blog, hope this is cool?

Peas on Toast said...

Coffee, tea - thank you! I am honoured and will check your blog out as well. :)

Nessie said...

The washing machine dance is a classic! It had me in hysterics.

Champers were you at the party? I didn't see you...

Spider said...

Sounds like it was fun. Just want to make sure you don't allwas draw on yourself? If you do next time try something more lady like.

Champagne Heathen said...

Nessie - hmmmm, that depends. Did you like or hate any short crazy chicks dancin' about on a tequila highs as her younger brother shook his head in despair??

If you liked them, then YES! I was there in all my crazy form!

If no, then uh...hmmmm....I was...um...attending a cooking lesson. And what a lesson that was! ...sorry, my thoughts are distracted today.

Nessie said...

Now I remember. Don't know how it slipped my mind, that image is hard to remove. Looked like you had a blast. Were you sloshed?

Peas on Toast said...

Spider - It's my second time. When one draws a moustache on one's face, one, at that moment, doesn't care whether one is ladylike or not.

Champagne Heathen said...

Nessie - 'that image'...what image? My gorgeous face?? Or my hooligan ways??

I was 'tipsy' enough to make some phone calls I should not have @ 3am, to allow my brother to drive my car which I never let anyone do, and to wake up before 8am still in my clothes to phone a few friends...one which involved an apology.

I was not sloshed enough to get a blue moustache!

Peas on Toast said...

Oi, leave the moustache out of this. :)
I secretly draw them on at home when I'm sober.
:)

Nessie said...

The "girls gone wild image" :)

Were you booty-calling at 3am? It's terrible when that happens but we all know it does. Did you at least get any in your drunken state?

Peas on Toast said...

Jeeezuz Nessie, we all make boody calls!
Have you ever made a boody call after a few drinks? I know I have.

Champagne Heathen said...

Aah, Peas, and what a gorgeous feminine tache it was!

Nessie - it was less boody calling as just wanting info on the next day's activities. Timing becomes irrelevant when a drunk person needs to know something. Apparently.

As for did I get any...obviously you are not a follower of my dear blog & its ranting of my enforced good behaviour because of new age men!! Argh.

Anonymous said...

I've chosen the most appropriate dop n' dial partner. My ex is now called Champs Heathen.
Hehehehehe.

Anonymous said...

Frik this blogger stuff - this anonymouse is Jam. grrr.

Champagne Heathen said...

Ah yes. An excellent choice. As you KNOW I am always readily available to talk at late hours. It is mid-morning hours I have a problem with - sleeping & all.

Just, Jams, don't call me when I am learning how to cook meanass dishes. ...And I can most definitely say that that is not a euphemism for anything else.

zuzula said...

am so glad you're back off the wagon too. makes me feel far less guilty ;) cheers!