Friday, April 01, 2005

sacrilege demolishing

I am seething. The government has announced that it is formally demolishing Johannesburg's favourite icon: The Hillbrow tower. How could they even THINK of doing something so sacreligious? They must either all be smoking crack, or have syphilis and have gone completely mad. I'm not sure whether I should make myself a billboard and march in front of the supreme court chanting "Kill the president" or just cry, or just emigrate right now.

As I write, they are assembling a giant crane, of about 103 m adjacent to my fcavourite building in the whole world. Fuck!!!!! This is just pants!

On top of it, after submitting my passport to the Belgian consulate yesterday to get my visa for Europe, I have just recieved a phonecall to say that "I don't officially exist."
WTF? I say, incredulously, and spat out "Fuck You" in Flemish just to show them I'm serious with my pissed offness. Apparently, my own country has issued me with a fake passport. And I am not barcoded correctly, and henceforth am invisible to the European Union and other more competent places on this godforsaken Earth.

Everything I have written today is a lie. Happy April Fool's everybody. Let's hope I haven't jinxed myself now.

11 comments:

Two | Face said...

Fuck you in flemish would be "neuk jou" which is literally translated and it is really incorrect. A better way of saying the same thing with different, yet correct, words would be "krijg de tyfus!". Which is "get the tyfus", the dutch (Flemish is derived from dutch) like to swear and wish you all kinds of diseases. Now because the Americans in Europe are, like the Matrix, everywhere (well their influence) the dutch and the flemish use more english words, picked up from tv or radio, to swear. So shit, fuck, fuck you, asshole and words like that are common on the streets of Antwerp and Amsterdam, just to name a couple.

This is no joke, though. Must admit reading till the end I believed you.

Peas on Toast said...

Awesome, thanks Mrarty, and glad to see you back in blogworld! I suppose you're right. When I lived in France, they seemed to say "fuck you" more than "va te faire enculer" a helluva lot more. Globalism. Sheesh.

I'm going to Amsterdam in about ten days. I cannot wait!!!! :)

Binsk said...

Very good Laurian!
I have been reminding myself that it's April fools day and not to fall for any pranks, but you go me. :)

Binsk said...

That's got not go me.

Ed Abbey said...

Damn, I lasted a total of about twenty minutes before sucumbing to my first April Fools prank. Thanks a lot Laurian!

P.S. What a great idea..... ;)

Two | Face said...

I envy you a bit, for being able to go there at the moment. I have to wait a couple of years if I don't want to ruin everything.

In some languages it's just a bit harder to swear because you use more words, so english is preferable.

Peas on Toast said...

Sorry guys, I just couldn't resist! :)

Eralier today, an office friend phoned Steve (my boyfriend) saying that I was missing, and found out that I had been chucked into jail in a dodgy part of town and I needed R3000 ($250) for bail. Steve freaked out and phoned me, and I was hysterical - mainly in laughter - but managed to spit out that my car had been impounded for speeding and I was in jail. The poor guy, was running to his car to come and get me out, when I burst out "Happy April Fool's!"
I felt really bad, because he was so concerned. But he got me back, so I suppose we're even. He told me my visa had probelsm with it and I had to phone the embassy and ask for Ronald.

So in a panic, I dial the number he gave me, to ask for Ronald. They had no idea what I was talking about. Turns out I phoned a McDonald's branch.

But I was way nastier. And now I'm scared ....

Peas on Toast said...

mrarty - how long until you get your permamnent residence here, and until you can head back home?

Two | Face said...

Hey home is where tha heart is I'm not going to live in the Netherlands anymore, this lifetime.

I don't know when I will get it, but I can go to Europe whenever I want but coming back will be a bit of a problem. Carpe Diem for the moment for me Laurian.

Nettie said...

My reaction was, "Um,is this monunment a good thing? Should I be upset that they are tearing it down? I really need to learn more about Laurian's country, cause it must have really upset her." But since it's not true, I suppose I will not be learning more about your culture. Shame on you for surpressing a cultural experience. :)

Blondie said...

You got me! I was thinking, "Wow, she just can't catch a break!"