Saturday, March 04, 2006

good news, then bad news straightaway

Small Bum: So I saw my folks again today.
Peas: (Immediate hot flush explodes onto cheeks) Oh, right, fantastic! (cringing) So…what did they say?
Small Bum: Why're you so worried?
Peas: I’ve been cringing for 24 solid hours. Let’s not beat around the bush. How bad was it really?
Small Bum: What are you talking about?
Peas: Huh? Nothing, no no nothing?
Small Bum: No, what are you talking about?
Peas: I know you all know. But know that I know that you know, and I am extremely embarrassed about it.
Small Bum: What?
Peas: No, what? What are YOU talking about?
Small Bum: OK.. well they found my condoms at the house from Valentine’s Day.
Peas: (pure solid relief ) Oh thank God.
Small Bum: No, you don’t understand. My mother is the kind of woman that thinks we don’t have sex. My brother who is married, as far as she is concerned, hasn’t had sex yet.
Peas: Where’d she find them?
Small Bum: Next to the master bedroom spa bath.
Peas: Right.
Small Bum: They also found the candles, and I had to basically convince them we didn’t do the dirty in their hot tub.
Peas: Right.

(pause)

Small Bum: Why, what were you going on about?
Peas: (formidable pause and squirming ensues. Eventually,) White pants. Leakage. Even told my mother who is holidaying in rural Mozambique about it. Mortified.
Small Bum: Well I didn’t see anything.
Peas: Oh. Right.
Small Bum: Haven’t checked the dining room chair upholstery though.
Peas: Fuck.
Small Bum: Just kidding.
Peas: Wow. Aboplexy.
Small Bum: You did look good in the white pants though.
Peas: Right.
Small Bum: But my mum thinks we’re banging like rabbits.
Peas: My mother knows we are/were banging like rabbits.
Small Bum: Three weeks to go.
Peas: I’m going to need a chastity belt.

Small Bum then tried to seduce me, little bugger. It almost worked. Had he caught me off guard….

7 comments:

Martin said...

Do you have any idea how much insight into the female mind you're so kindly providing us with? And I'm not just talking about the last two posts, but in general.

I'm even taking notes... Thanks, Dr Peas!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks dollface.
Always glad to be of assistance! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Martin!
I just left a loooong comment on your blog on how to find that girl and why you should bloody well do it. Dammit, it was long and protracted and as far as I am concerned, relevant. But your blog isn't saving my comments. I am doing the word verification thing too, so I have no idea what's happening. Fack.
If by any chance you do want to hear it, or it does pop up miraculously on your blog, let me know mkay.

zuzula said...

why three weeks of abstinence?

Peas on Toast said...

Z - Strange really. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, nevermind him.
It's a control thing really. As I said a few posts down, I am the nympho in this relationship. I feel like the guy. I'm always craving, he's always getting. So I'm cutting him off so that by the time we do shag again, he won't be able to see straight he will be so horny.

He thinks I'm mad, but is going along with it in a surprisingly easy-going fashion. :)

zuzula said...

i can see the logic in that - but it sounds bloody difficult!

do you remember posting a while ago about the farting fear? where do you stand on that these days? because I'm about to dump Greyhead for trumping really long and loudly in bed on thursday morning while we were chatting. it was only our third date and I was really, really grossed out about it. or am i over reacting?

Aquila said...

sounds like a scene out of 40 days and 40 nights - luckily its (only) 3 weeks, not 5.5....Good luck, cos I don't think I'd be able to make it that long.

zuzula - methinks a trump on the 3rd date is a bit soon...trump him back hehe..