Small Bum: So I saw my folks again today.
Peas: (Immediate hot flush explodes onto cheeks) Oh, right, fantastic! (cringing) So…what did they say?
Small Bum: Why're you so worried?
Peas: I’ve been cringing for 24 solid hours. Let’s not beat around the bush. How bad was it really?
Small Bum: What are you talking about?
Peas: Huh? Nothing, no no nothing?
Small Bum: No, what are you talking about?
Peas: I know you all know. But know that I know that you know, and I am extremely embarrassed about it.
Small Bum: What?
Peas: No, what? What are YOU talking about?
Small Bum: OK.. well they found my condoms at the house from Valentine’s Day.
Peas: (pure solid relief ) Oh thank God.
Small Bum: No, you don’t understand. My mother is the kind of woman that thinks we don’t have sex. My brother who is married, as far as she is concerned, hasn’t had sex yet.
Peas: Where’d she find them?
Small Bum: Next to the master bedroom spa bath.
Small Bum: They also found the candles, and I had to basically convince them we didn’t do the dirty in their hot tub.
Small Bum: Why, what were you going on about?
Peas: (formidable pause and squirming ensues. Eventually,) White pants. Leakage. Even told my mother who is holidaying in rural Mozambique about it. Mortified.
Small Bum: Well I didn’t see anything.
Peas: Oh. Right.
Small Bum: Haven’t checked the dining room chair upholstery though.
Small Bum: Just kidding.
Peas: Wow. Aboplexy.
Small Bum: You did look good in the white pants though.
Small Bum: But my mum thinks we’re banging like rabbits.
Peas: My mother knows we are/were banging like rabbits.
Small Bum: Three weeks to go.
Peas: I’m going to need a chastity belt.
Small Bum then tried to seduce me, little bugger. It almost worked. Had he caught me off guard….