Friday, July 07, 2006

the personals

fuck buddy needed for horny woman:

Searching for 1 x fuck buddy. (Or two, if they’re going.) Someone who will respond to booty calls, often after one or two glasses of sauvignon blanc, or more accurately after a right thrashing at a nightclub involving Jagerbombs and ridiculously cheesy music. No moonlight walks on beach, or in this case Emmarentia Dam, necessary. Or poetry and roses. Or chats about love, the future, or your mother. Just a bang, in my lunch break or after a long day at the office. Am a party-going girl, with an incessant love of stiletto heels, tequila slammers, music, travel literature and Nivea Shimmering Body Lotion, not to mention a healthy obsession with boofing in the very primal sense.

I’m looking for a temporary fuck buddy to ease me through the horniness that bestows me like the bubonic plague. Falling in love with me means that this arrangement becomes null and void, and therefore I would need to rerun this advertisement – please don’t take it personally. Must be able to deal with various positions of amoenus, with particular reference to the Retarded Spaniel, the Edgy Cock A Doodle Do and my nature for blending these two together on upholstered chairs. That said, missionary will do at this point in time.

No excessive back hair, or the wearing of tight boy-shorts, or men younger than 18 or older than 45, unless you bear an uncanny resemblance to George Clooney. (If I can buy my lingerie from La Senza, then you can wear boxer shorts.) If I grope you, please don’t grope me back unless I flash you my wine eyes. Oh and please cook me one decent meal. Must be able to do pearl necklaces, make me laugh uproariously, and not be intimidated by my excessive wit and intellect, or my vibrator. Please smell like a man. And most importantly: don’t know anybody that I know. Even if you’re my ex’s fifth cousin once removed.

In turn I will lavish you with passion unbeknownst to you before, and I promise I won’t write about it on my blog.
Contact: Peas O’Toast at 555-555-5.

PS: I posted this herein because The Star refuses to publish it in their Classifieds section. Bastards.

PPS: I met two of my blog buddies last night. I haven't done this in the past, set out to meet my blog friends. But I thought I'd make one exception. Although I promised to hole myself up for the rest of eternity, I couldn't resist the temptation to venture out and munch pizza with two individuals I know bloggy-well. It was great: one has perfect elocution, the other a beautiful smile. It was great to put faces onto words, so to speak. Oh, and the Frenchies won the soccer. Third Roommate is pissed off.

86 comments:

Phil said...

Hmmm. Count me...ummm....in? 34 year old single male. Party animal of note and reasonably well off to boot. Black convertible is current mode of transport. Lives in Kyalami but has cash for petrol. Recently called "sex on legs" by shag buddy who resides outside of JHB........
Phil

Peas on Toast said...

Nice Phil! Can you cook? ;)

Phil said...

Err. Yes. Do an awesome roast chicken and a variety of other meals. Do NOT though EVER ask me to make the same thing twice as I cannot. Close maybe but NEVER exactly the same. Comes from cooking without cookbooks I think!

Daytripper said...

I love your hierarchy of needs:
Sex
Friends
Footie
heheheh!

Peas on Toast said...

Phil - fair enough!
You're officially on my candidates list, mister. ;)

Daytripper - :) They seem fair, don't they?

Phil said...

I think perhaps I would rather be on your couch...he he. Or on my black leather lazy boy.....hmmm.
But I suppose being on a "list" will have to do for now.
Lets see what else might interest you:
Large Red Wine Collection
Gas Fireplace
What else?

Anonymous said...

Hey Queen pea

Nice use your influence and exposure to meet men while the rest of us have to do it the old way:)So how do you get invited to a pizza evening? Going dancing, Friday at manhatten.Good luck with your quest I cant help but wonder why somone that has not given her number out in 7 weeks would want a one night stand?

"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."

Peas on Toast said...

Now, now don't fret Phil: you're top of the pops for the moment. Just need to give the others a fair chance. :) The other hundreds of thousands vying for my attention. Not. ;)
It was the wine selection, cooking and car that sold me - also that you're 'sex on legs.'

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - truth is I don't want a one night stand. I'm just horny. For lots of sex. But this post was a little tongue in cheek, basically admitting that the fact that I haven't been laid in two months is starting to show. :)

Anonymous said...

Queen pea

Thats what I thought, THE FUCK UP is when you do get it and you still feel empty. The answer, Cunninglingus double the fun half the guilt.

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha!
Yes I fear any hardcore banging may leave me feeling worse. Still, maybe a no-strings-attached mate may be able to help me out. ;)

Cookie Monster said...

House mate annoyed? How great is that? The French came through.... I am very happy:)

Anonymous said...

Queen pea,

I take my hat off to you:) I cant think of any thing my fun then to read all the comments from men that cant wait to pleasure me. Seeing from your profession your mental stimulation is a must so my dear you look like you are going to get your cake and eat it. So let me not hold up the email communication any longer. You rock pea’s:)xxx

Peas on Toast said...

Cookie - I know! How great is it that the Frogs are in the finals! With the ITies! There'll be war in our household come the final, between Ant (Italian) and I (French.)

Third Roommate dropped proverbial lip after the Degas lost yesterday. Poor bastard! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Anon!

As I said to somebody over the weekend: I need someone to have sex with my brain. Because after my body is boofed out, the boredom sets in, unless he stimulates me mentally.
I may be asking for too much, but there's always a chance someone is out there, right? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Anon - 'get you cake and eat it' didn't you mean ' ....you look like you're going to get your cake eaten'

lol

Revolving Credit said...

Peas - Mental stimulation? You want to be mind fucked?

Peas on Toast said...

Yes, being mind fucked is very important Rev. I can't fuck someone with the cranial capacity of a yak, no.

Cookie Monster said...

What you need to do to add a little salt to that wound of your house mate is come home with a wheelbarrow, wheel it into the house and stand there, get a curious look from house mate and then gently say: For your lip!

The oldest team on paper by age has destroyed the Porras... its great!!! Did you see ronaldos face at the final whistle... he looked like he had just lost his penis! Priceless I tell you!

Peas on Toast said...

Cookie - LOL!
The wheelbarrow trick will go down like a lead balloon - love it!

You should've heard us arguing last night.
"Shut up, Madame Curie."
"Well fuck you, is that espetada I smell Vasco?"

Cookie Monster said...

The Porras dont have all that much to be sad about..... They are leaving for Hollywood next week to play in the actors cup!! The really good news is that they are topped to win!

My real concern is that all the fruit and veg stores are closed today... wonder why?

So all panned out right.... Ze germans are out, the French pulled it off and Beckham has decided to leave his haircut at home!

Peas on Toast said...

In all fairness, the Porras did play a good game.

And lol - Becks left the haircut at home. Thank fuck. :)

Phil said...

I try think of it in Cullinary terms. Frogs legs versus Pizza for 1st and 2nd. Brockwurst versus Peri Peri Chicken Wings for 3rd and 4th. CAN YOU IMAGINE how many wingless chickens there are worldwide thanks to the Portugese? Scary.

Also thank GOD the final is not between Italy and Portugal....there would be a WORLDWIDE shortage of hair gel and other hair and beauty products for months if that had been the case. Some of the greasiest hairdo's ever. And thats not counting the referees and linesmen who seem to be big on hair products as well!!!\
Incidentally Peas sorry to tell you but I am actually a Lesbian...I LOVE ALL WOMEN!!

Peas on Toast said...

Phil - ha ha, I was just saying to Third Roommate yesterday - how much greased up hair can one see on one field? ;)

OK Mr Player, lesbian dude, as long as you ok with my love for the male form on a wide scale, I'm happy with you loving women. :)

Phil said...

Player?
That is somewhat offensive. This is a serious attempt at some legover and should NEVER be seen as mere "playing".

Huff!

Peas on Toast said...

Just pulling your socks Phil, promise. :)

You sound lovely. (Even if Kyalami constitutes to a long-distance relationship) :)

Revolving Credit said...

With regards to the 'Fuck Buddy' - is there going to be a selections process? If so, can I be on the panel of judges?
Now cumming to a blog near you 'Oriface Idols'.

Guys get to demonstrate the agility and girth of their schlongs while sprouting poetry, delivering comment on the socio-economic impacts of the on-going conflict in East Timor with cooking soem Norwegian salmon to perfection. All of this while dressed as Lionel Richie.

The benchmark score is 8.5 for artistic impression!!!

Inyoka said...

Mmm.. It seems I don't qualify age wise, worst luck! However, I make an appeal on the grounds that Age Discrimination is unfair, insulting and probably illegal.

Anyway, vive la France! Although the French are absolutely insufferable when they win anything.

Anonymous said...

Revolving credit- That was funny,the picture created was slimy but satisfying.

Queen pea- This thing with you and Phil, brings new meaning to the word Voyerism:)

Syllable said...

If you are serious about this, I might be able to hook you up. Single_Syllable@hotmail.com

Have an amazing friend.

Syllable said...

If you are serious about this, I might be able to hook you up. Single_Syllable@hotmail.com

Have an amazing friend.

Phil said...

Voyeurism. Nah. That involved binoculars and clear skies surely. Besides from Kyalami to Illovo you would need a pretty fine pair of binocs! Never mind a bloody HUGE ladder!!!

Revolving Credit said...

Hello, Phil - you can for like to try to use a webcam china!!!!

You score 4.2 for artistic interpretation :]

Champagne Heathen said...

About this panel of judges and judging criteria... You will need a woman's perspective & I think we will also need to ensure that these men know how to handle a woman's body before being selected for Peas.

Oh, what's that I hear you say! "Champs, are you busy at the moment or could you bring your objective skills to the...uh...bed". Ah thanks for asking guys, I'd love to be a judge!

Syllable said...

You know it's going to be a long day when you repeat yourself, AND you get your own e-mail addy wrong.

Simply_Syllable@hotmail.com

Phil said...

4.2 hell thats higher than normal. and only about 1/2 the length of Mr Happy.......

As for handling a woman's body even the term "handling" is surely offensive....sounds like she is supposed to be a motorbike or something....

I would prefer "appreciating" or "satisfying" or "fulfilling" or fulPHILING"

Revolving Credit said...

Champs -OK, seems like you'll be judging 'Technical Merit'

Not sure if this is meant to be a hands on evalution though, but hey, Phil seems UP to it!

Phil said...

He he. Just imagining the look on woman's face when man begins to make motorbike riding noises mid-shag as he "handles" her around the bends, up the hill and over the top until all cums to a complete "stand"still.

Thinking in pictures really can be awesome at times........

Jam said...

I would love to come and judge for you too Peas...
Perhaps one of the criteria is that they should just keep quiet. Sometimes they're better like that.

(PS So the "blog friends" were not swingers or anything weird like that, were they?)

Champagne Heathen said...

"All cums to a complete stand still"??? I think you meant HE cums to a complete stand still. She isn't gonna have moved anywhere during that 'noisy servicing'!

Jam, what's wrong with swingers. They're not weird surely!? They're just spreading the fun.

Revolving Credit said...

Champs - 'Me Tarzan, you Jane!

Phil said...

Spreading more than just fun as much as I can see..........

As for the motorbike thing.....sorry think I just got "carried away".....think my brain needs a good "kick start" - or perhaps its my "helmet" that needs care and attention today.
Too much wubble wodka wed wool watching footie last night!

Peas on Toast said...

Hi everyone!

Crisis - I get out of the office for there hours and I come back to judging panels, motobike noises, handling issues, sex symbols, hook ups, ratings - flipping fantastic! Thanks guys, keep it going, I'm going to need to have 1 x fuck buddy selected by the weekend. :)

PS: Jam, they're weren't swingers or pyschopaths, however, I'm pretty certain they thought I might've been either.or as well. :) xx

Anonymous said...

Its Phil's fault- You cant mention Helmet without getting a gross visual.

Queen pea, you were missed.

Antoine said...

*wicked chuckle* The bloody number gets me a tawianese take away in Southern Texas.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - those bloody helmuts! :)

Antoine - I thought as much! Have you ever noticed in movies and sitcoms, whenever a telephone number is mentioned, it always starts with 555...

Phil said...

Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet
Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet Helmet

Phil said...

And yes the Phone number thing is wierd......perhaps thats the local code for the planet where ALL movies are made....

Anonymous said...

Phil- your a brat, but brave and have an original thought or two,so peas you going to give the boy a chance?

Peas on Toast said...

I'll definitely give Phil a chance. He doesn't sound like an axe-murderer thus so far. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Helmut, you behaviour is not impressing the judges - the job profile is that of fuck buddy, not I'm-so-fucking-freaky-buddy.
(best you speak to your coach before the next round)

PS. Is helmut not a synomyn for condom?

Anonymous said...

You tell him revolving credit, an no ha ha its a helmet like a fireman’s helmet.

Phil said...

He he.
Actually no have not murdered anyone...with an axe anyway...

And methinks Helmut and Helmet are being confused. Hell if you ladies dont know the difference are you SURE you are qualified as judges?

So far so good then Peas.......

Phil said...

And what worries me more is that you folk seem to think movies are made on EARTH! Hell no. How else would they ALL be so attractive and shaggable when the reality is so far from that....on earth that is

Champagne Heathen said...

"And me thinks Helmut and Helmet are being confused. Hell if you ladies dont know the difference are you SURE you are qualified as judges?"

Um...which of the two lady judges (me & Jam) has confused any "head"wear of any form??

Actually, I thought 'Helmut' was a german guy's name.

Give me any of those 3 and I'm happy to wear them.

Revolving Credit said...

(Hmm..not on Earth)

...in a galaxy far, far away

OK, next you'll show use your 'Jedi Behind Trick'

Anonymous said...

Revolving credit-You fucking amasing, thats funny almost fell off the chair:)

Phil said...

Would that go along the lines of "I VANT TO HEAR JUST VON CLICK"?

As for Jedi tricks....no....my puppie's name is Jedi and he is way way too young for tricks....he does a might fine garden destruction routine though.

Revolving Credit said...

Fritz, did you just call me a girly judge??

I know there was mention of swinging today but lets not confuse that with which way we swing!

For the record, I'm definitly not into light sabres. :)

Daedalus said...

Peas just got very popular LOL – doubt that your regular reader would apply :P

Revolving Credit said...

I think your puppy has gone over to the dog-side!

Daedalus said...

Whoops – make that plural Reader(s)

Peas on Toast said...

Fuck all of this is just hilarious. :)

Thanks guys, and Phil - can I call you Helmut in the sack?? ;)

i_am_not_who_i_am said...

ps: i had earth shattering sex last night!!

am sure u must have felt the after effects of the tremors in jhb...

spit!@#$%^ spit!@#$4

see.! the other option is....get married...a sure-fire of getting laid! anytime......anyplace!@##$

fida . . .

Anonymous said...

Revolving credit-HA HA HA

DAEDALUS-Fuck that’s quite some picture would not want to run into you in the middle of the night. Are you really powerful or a geek behind a computer.

Phil said...

Sure Peas. Whyever not.....on condition that you do so in a HEAVY GERMAN ACCENT.....undertones of cheap Porno movies...."Schneller Helmut Schneller etc etc."

My oath- that COULD be fun!

Phil said...

My puppy and I BOTH live on the dark side - together with his three legged half sister Layla....not to be confused with Princess Leiah - who I have never met.

Peas on Toast said...

Phil - Om mein God, you have me best interests at heart! German love porn in the sack is my favourite favourite!
Schneller, chatzie, schneller!
LOL. Fucking lieben it.

Revolving Credit said...

Schneller Helmut?

Don't you need Grosse Helmut.

I'd rather be called Big Helmut than Quick Helmut.

Peas on Toast said...

Au contraire mein liebschen. 'Schneller' means faster Rev.

Schneller mein kleinen tashenpuffer! Blitzkrieg! Achtung!

Gonna go buy me some German porn tonight.

Phil said...

I think Schneller with the Grosse would be best............speed with size.....hell it sounds like the GAUTRAIN now!

Revolving Credit said...

Fida - Spit, spit???

Honey, you should ask him to shave, or at least trim.

i_am_not_who_i_am said...

@revolving!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

u have one fucked up sense of humour..............its like a neverending roller coaster ride!!!

actually ....he's clean shave! ((they say it looks bigger that way!)) ....hah!.....i was spitting out the nectar!@#$$

heheehehe

fida . . .

Revolving Credit said...

Fida, don't go for 'looks bigger'
you should be chasing 'is bigger'

Just ask Helmut, he's been waving his around this blog the whole day!

PS. Byt eh way, think you answered the 'spits or swallows' question.

i_am_not_who_i_am said...

so you saying......stick to quantity not quality!

uff!!...should have warned me before i sent him for the chop!! ...ouch*******

fida . . . .

Brandon said...

I'd like to be considered as your fuck-buddy please.

Not only am I a dab hand the Pearl Necklace, I'm also a past master at the Dirty Sanchez.

Interested?

Peas on Toast said...

Brandon I was interested until you mentioned the Dirty Sanchez. :)

I'm kinky, but not that kinky my dear. ;)

Phil said...

I am guessing Brandon is either an idiot or not concentrating very hard or not actually that interested Peas.....any man who mentions the dirty sanchez to a lady, particularly one he is keen on.....MUST be one of the above.

Peas on Toast said...

Phil you're still top of my list.

Ant and Third Roommate also gave you the thumbs up last night during a fuck-buddy house meeting. ;)

Phil said...

I am duly honoured. Life can be sweet at times.....even the most hilarious and unserious "victory" can make one feel good.
Scary hey.

"Ah well........if it wasna for ya wellies where wouldya be...you'd be in the hospital or infirmary..."

With apologies to Billy Connelly...one of the funniest men ever.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy Connelly is right up there for me too. Next to Eddie Izzard.

"I am a bad giraffe. So bad, I'm going to eat all the leaves off this tree."

Phil said...

Do Giraffe's eat leaves.....ohmegosh....no wonder they turn their noses up at the biltong I always try feed them at the zoo!

Phil said...

Do Giraffe's eat leaves.....ohmegosh....no wonder they turn their noses up at the biltong I always try feed them at the zoo!

Phil said...

Perhaps Peas thinks too much sometimes?

Daedalus said...

Anonymous - go to my blog and make up ya own mind (I kinda hate replying to anons - dunno why i just did)

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