Saturday, November 25, 2006

Budgeting 101

Ten smart ways to budget when you have a serious cash flow problem:

1) Attend as many press conferences as possible. For the free lunch afterwards. Sure, the number-crunching, percentages-everywhere Power Point year-end results presentation isn’t going to be the most exciting two hours of your life, but really, there is no such thing as a ‘free’ lunch. Per se. Sure, trying to keep your eyes open will take some effort on your behalf. But focus on the prize: the free finger buffet afterwards.

2) Think like a student: Take your Fitzy (vodka and cola tonic) in a non-descript water bottle to the pub, instead of buying. E taught me this one.

3) Only use your phone during Call More time. Or use the office phone for chat sandwich emergencies. I received my phonebill yesterday and very nearly had a hernia. Noted for future reference. (Fuck, how much do I talk? It’s ridiculous.)

4) Don’t rev too much, change into fifth as quickly as possible, and drive with the windows closed to save on fuel. (This isn’t a problem for me – since I can’t actually open my windows).

5) Don’t go near Sandton City, Rosebank Mall, The Oriental Plaza. If you do, stare straight ahead, don’t get distracted by the lights or flashy blingy things in the windows calling your name. (Peas…Peas…PEAS….You want me…yes you do…get out that cash Peas…)

6) Use your free-entry-before-10:30pm-Manhattan Club Ladies VIP card (oh yes, I’m the proud owner of one of these babies). You may lurk on your own until everyone arrives at a reasonable clubbing hour (midnight), but you saved yourself sixty bucks.

7) Ask your boyfriend/mate/your mum to have you over for dinner. Ask all three and dinner’s sorted for half the week.

8) Cut out luxuries that aren’t completely necessary. Most luxuries are a necessity these days, unfortunately. But not buying the heat magazine this month has saved me another sixty dinieros.

9) Stop smoking. Unrealistic. Ignore.

10) Steal toilet rolls from the water closet at work. OK, this is when things get desperate. If you ever reach this stage, you’ll also be picking up change off the pavement, stealing people’s drinks in night clubs and trying to sell your Nintendo game consol on eBay. Let’s hope I never get to this level of desperation.

I got tagged by Jam yesterday: Make up a table of ten at an exclusive restaurant like, say ,The Ivy, in LA.
My ten chosens would be:

1) Peas On Toast. (Naturally. I’d be at the head of the table.)
2) Alicia Keys. (Purely for perving potential. She’s hottt)
3) Jake Gyllenhaal. (See above. Menage?)
4) The Queen. (Bless her, I reckon she’s a card. As Eddie Izzard says: “Fuck off, I’m the Queen!”)
5) That said, Eddie Izzard.
6) Tchaikovsky. (Yes, I know he’s dead, but this is a fantasy dinner afterall, and I need to pick his brain)
7) Michael Bolton. (Hello? Quality post-dinner serenading)
8) Chris Rock. (As long he does Rodney the talking guinea pig impression from Dr Doolittle.)
9) Michael Naicker.
10) Twakkie OR Corne. Whoever can make it.

My waiters (I tag:) Zuzula
and My flatmate.

This afternoon, a whole lot of us are heading to the Free State to spend a boozy yet chilled weekend at C's farm. No nightclubs, but we'll rather get hammered amongst the Massey Ferguson's and prize cattle.
Bring it on.

78 comments:

Champagne Heathen said...

Sigh. Peas. I have not taught you anything in these past few months of knowing you, have I.

It is called a s-u-g-a-r-d-a-d-d-y!! And don't worry about Santa/Boyf. He will appreciate the old guy too, when you are loaded with cash & gorgeous clothes & lingerie. And if sugardaddy is attached, then he can only see you, like, once a month (my uncle's only piece of advice to me ever. Don't ask.)

And, you fool, you have to make 2 people your dinner's waitrons, so tagging them too...so continuing the dinners.

HAPPY FRIDAY!! (You're grinning today too, aren't you!)

ChewTheCud said...

Peas on a budget? Don't automatically go for something just beacause it has the word "free " in the name. I can understand about the free lunches, but the Free State? It might seem like a good idea now, but when you get press-ganged and wake up hitched to a plough, you'll know why the rest of us steer clear ;P

Crusoe said...

The best way to not waste money is as follows: Any purchase over R50 needs a 3 day deliberation period. It stops you from impulse buys and by the time 3 days has passed you have completely forgotten what it was. (WARNING: This doesn't work for things like petrol)

3rm said...

dude, priceless post. sorry bout last night. had a nap over without the nap. or the over actually. my bad. make it up to you in the week...

Jam said...

It's that budgeting time of year. Can anyone tell me how to purchase cheap christmas presents? cause I'm broke too. But at least my windows open.
Like your list Peas - we won't have to order arsenic for those people. Well maybe just for Corne or Twakkie.
And HAPPY FRIDAY!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - Having a sugar daddy wold make me feel a little uncomfortable, see. I'm one of those stubborn bitches that hates to think she needs to rely on a man, even if it is a sugarcane farmer from Zululand. :)

Shit, I'll amend my dinner list, thanks for the heads up!

Chew - Free State, coincidence? I think not! ;)

Crusoe - I dig it. Although when I see shoes I love, I never forget. The craving only gets worse :(

3RM - So no leg-over then?

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - how good are yo with craft? Do'you think if we start a stitch and bitch club and make those (godawful) macrame pot holders for Christmas, our relatives would mind?

3rm said...

if i say yes does that mean i did or i didn't? anyway, i did...

Revolving Credit said...

'Don’t rev too much'

How can you say that, everybody should Rev, they should
-Revolt
-Refine
-Revel
-Reveal
-Release



But you did redeem yourself, I think?

'free-entry-before-10:30pm-Manhattan Club Ladies VIP card '

Acn anyone enter theses ladies or is that privilege restricted to VIP ..umm..members only??

Jam said...

It's the thought that counts. In my case, should I try macrame, it will HAVE to be the thought that counts. Perhaps we should consider after hours employment...

Revolving Credit said...

Jam, I try buying stuff on-line from Bid or Buy. I've been watching a few of these auctions with interest, especially the 'ending soon' ones.

Its often possible to buy interesting stuff where the auction is closing in the next 15 min and no-one has placed any bids yet.

Revolving Credit said...

Did I mention that some of these auctions start @R1.
I once bought 1 years subscription to Cigar for the Month club for R1.

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - you and me both boy. :)

Rev - Usually yes. It just may not be for free (you might have to buy the suspect drinks first) ;)

Jam - I like Rev's idea. Maybe we should visit Cash Converters. "Dad, check it: I bought you...a spare set of hub caps!"

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Cigar Magazine! I love it! My dad doesn't smoke cigars, "but you're never too old to try something new, eh Dad?"

harry said...

Peas, if you were sitting round waiting for 3rd Moon Rock, then you weren't getting laid either?

Jam said...

It's the thought that counts. In my case, should I try macrame, it will HAVE to be the thought that counts. Perhaps we should consider after hours employment...

Jam said...

It's the thought that counts. In my case, should I try macrame, it will HAVE to be the thought that counts. Perhaps we should consider after hours employment...

Revolving Credit said...

Quick, someone nudge Jam, I think she's stuck.

harry said...

Peas, did you break your bicycle on your first ride?

Jam said...

It's the thought that counts. In my case, should I try macrame, it will HAVE to be the thought that counts. Perhaps we should consider after hours employment...

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - don't worry mate, macrame can do that to you! ;)

Harry - well mine was directly after work, see. 3RM's probably happened later int he evening...

Jam said...

aargh!
My machine has lost the plot. or something. sorry about the repeated comments. delete, delete, delete

ChewTheCud said...

macrame? Can't be worse than getting crotch-from-hell homemade shorts from your grandmother. It's like she doesn't want to know that you need some space in pants for block and tackle.

Jeez - 'thought that counts' gifts are the reason we ditched christmas altogether. Just say no to presents.

Peas on Toast said...

We once, all of us, got home made steering wheel covers made from very fabric with paisley designs, etc. NOne of us knew what it was (peg bag? a hat? pillow cover?)

C said...

Art exhibition opening are also a good one for copious free booze!!!

And team, settle on the Free State, not all bad!!!

Peas on Toast said...

C- tee hee. And Winex where you pay R90 and get as much free wine as you like. Bargain. :)

Can't wait for the farm!!

Note to others: C's farm is beautiful, a colonial oasis in the middle of the maize belt...stunning really.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie, *Sigh* ain't money a show-stopper ey?... *thud!* but, good for you on not relying on a sugar-daddy. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Chewy, get your Gran to make a ton of the stuff in really bright colours.
Peas can take it down to the local gay strip and sell these tight crotch shorts to the boys there.

It'll make your Gran feel so proud and short out Peas' cash problems.

harry said...

Peas, if you feel bad about the suger daddy thing, you always get a sugar mommy.

ChewTheCud said...

tight crotch? you misunderstand - they had no crotch. My brother got his girlfriend to try a pair - and they were too tight for her.

actually i really like homemade crazt stuff. just go buy freaky material and get mom to make ya a pair of pants - at least you'll be unique.

rev - you and harry bouncing off each other? is this what you've fallen to? i missed you too buddy ;P

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
I know it is naar to post links in comments, but, this one
[ http://www.ostendo.co.za/?p=1180 ]
is kinda fitting to Champ's suggestion on the sugar daddy concept. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

D-guy - indeed. I don't wear a power suit for nothing. :)

Rev - "Gran please make me some crotchless pants for the local community?"
She'd dig it, actually. She's cool like that.

Harry - If she looks like Alicia Keys, I'm all for it.

Anonymous said...

I'm a farm girl myself... and I'm on the farm at the moment. Needless to say I can confirm that the farm life beats all. Fresh air, cows and good company. What more could you ask for?

Daedalus said...

Ertjie, "power suit"? wtf!?
Elaborate... :)

Third World Ant said...

Hey babe, nice tag! (will have to see if I can squeeeeeeze in the time to do it today, if not, Monday) - you'll have a waitron list extraordinaire for your semi-interesting list of guests. (getting these egotistical people to wait on your guests might not be feasible, but hey, like you said, fantasy dinner).

ChewTheCud said...

cows are good company? you been on the farm too long girl ;P

btw. fresh air? whats happening to all that methane them cows be pumping out?

harry said...

Farm Girl, while it all sounds really great, do you have to get up at 4:00am to pull on the cow's tits?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - I love the farm life. But for short periods of time. I'm more of a city girl myself, I need the constant energy, frenetic pace of an urban environment to keep me going. Where's your farm?

D-Guy - black blazer and pants, briefcase. A true professional! :)

The Ant - awesome my little waitron. Get a-moving!

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Aahhhhh ic ...
(but that is kinda sexy in a way)
*Corporate look* ... a-la-la!

Champagne Heathen said...

One wonders how men have allowed the art of farming to gradually die out if you get to "get up at 4:00am to pull on the cow's tits"!

harry said...

I think it died out when the cows started having headaches

Daedalus said...

Bwhahahaha!
WTF? Champs?

Champagne Heathen said...

Daeds? Yes? That's me. It's still me. Always me. Hmmmm....

If you are asking where the hell did that last comment of mine come from, it was in reply to a comment 'Harry' made to Anon-FarmGirl a few comments up.

tom said...

champers looking at it from the wrong angle. she would probably love to have someone wake up at 4 am to pull on her tits. whereas for the farmer - he has to get up damn early, he has no way of knowing if the animal is satisfied, and all he gets as reward is some warm milk. I'll get mine delivered cold to my front door tahnk you very much ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks D-Guy, I kinda like the look myself. ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

I have NO DESIRE to be woken up by some guy simply yanking on my tits, thank you!! Ouch!

If there is ONE THING men need to learn, it is that a woman's body is a DELICATE piece of artwork!

ChewTheCud said...

milking dairy cows? watch this then. It gets me every time
:P

Kate said...

You know the money situation is really bad when you're forced to choose stale, greasy Macdonalds fries (£1) over salad roll £2.50. Sob! Why cant I win the lottery?

Daedalus said...

Shampoooo,
YOU R Dating the WRONG boys hun.
I C a disturbed frame of reference there ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Kate - shame sweetie. I must say when I was living in Europe, Maccy D's was the cheapest option of food - if you can call it that. Healthy. :(

ChewTheCud said...

k cool champers - you deserve to be in the louvre then! Peace?

btw. milking cows is a delicate business. You have to be gentle, massaging them, squeezing, soothing. If nescessary a lubricant is recommended ;P

Insane Insomniac said...

Whats worse than being broke? Being hungover AND broke! I budgeted so carefully and yet I woke up this morning much poorer than last night. bleh!

I'm all for the sugardaddy idea. Know anyone up for it?

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - I'll keep my eyes open for you dollface! Hungover and broke, now that's not the way to start a Friday you poor thing!

karaoke queen said...

LOL! I remember university days where we totally stole toilet paper. And dishes from the cafeteria. And a chair from the lounge. Errr, I'm really a honest person I swear!!

Insane Insomniac said...

I've started a non myspace blog!!!
I think thats a good thing...

Peas - I plan to work off the hangover tonight with Desperate Housewives Season 2 and lots of hot chocolate.

Anonymous said...

anon farm girl here again - I don't actually milk the cows, although when I was a child I'd do it for fun. But it's not as easy as it looks, milking a cow. Firstly, the teats feel funny, like soft, squeamy(made up word but that's what it feels like)spongy things. You cover them with a special ointment, and then yank. You have to exert quite a bit of force, otherwise the milk won't come out. And then when the milk DOES come out, it normally sprays all over you. Not that pleasant. But it is satisfying if you finally get your rhythm and manage to squirt the milk into the bucket. It's a skill you have to master... I also like the city though - don't like being on the farm to long. In response to your question, Peas on Toast, the farm's in Mpumalanga...

Harry said...

Farm Girl - I too squeeze tits for fun and yes it's not easy. Normaly have to duck or be slapped.

But about your description, are you sure you're milking the cow and not giving some farm hand, a hand job.

Re-read your description and then you tell me.

Peas on Toast said...

Karaoke Queen (by the way, fantastic name!): Dishes, utensils, sure, but a chair is professional indeed! Perhaps I should try - saw a nice one at The Big Blue Room the other day...hmmmm

Insane - if it makes you feel better love, I'll be hungover and broke tomorrow. Enjoy DH! :)

Farm girl - interesting stuff! I've never milked a cow, perhaps C will show me this weekend. :) Warning thogh, if Revolting Credit sees your avid description of cow milking, he's going to turn it into something sexual. ;)
I'm really looking forward to my own farm experience this weekend, I must say.

Peas on Toast said...

Farm Girl - See? Harry is Rev's alter-ego. :)

He gets all excited at the thought of milking teats...

Urk said...

the all-in-one (mum) problem solver wrt cash flow: stop drinking.
-no drunken phone calls(carry on forever, cant remember anyway)- no smoking 3x usual quota - no giving away jagerbombs to randoms - no breaking stuff while dronk (limbs, hearts, electric windows)- no revving car which leads to no speeding fines and bila money for DUI - no BP cheesedogs, chips, coke, kinder eggs and hest magazine that will be long forgotten in the morning.
WhateveRRRRRR

Anonymous said...

anon farm girl - Harry, Harry, farm girls are a different breed. They know how to blush. Tut Tut.(Or maybe Teat Teat is more appropriate)

Peas on Toast said...

Urk -excellent in theory, and I made a similar list to that last night. Then I scratched it, because like Karl Marx's Communism Laws, it just doesn't work in practice. :)

Worth a toss though, I could probably benefit from not buying a pie at the BP at 2:00am...

Revolving Credit said...

There we go again. Whats with the no REVving?

This is blatant discrimination!!
I'll need to speak to my congressman.

(oops, wrong country, no congressman, my bad)

Peas on Toast said...

Make no mistake Rev, if you ever left the blogosphere, I'd cry a million tears.

I mean, I've only proposed to you like, five times.
;)

Rev all you like!

Champagne Heathen said...

You can complain to the DA in this country. They are always happy to fight any battle that seems to go against the top guys' liking.

And don't worry.... I always like a good rev every once in awhile, especially on a long far-reaching road!

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Champers! Perhaps we can suggest the CCMA- they're super jacked. (Not.)

Revolving Credit said...

TRC or bust.

Champs, your dinner post
is there now so you can go check my post.

PS. I decided I was bored and didn't feel like working any more today, so I came home after lunch.

Only problem is, not mouse, only touch pad. Made the dinner post with it's links a bit more difficult to post.

ChewTheCud said...

rev get a laptop mouse son! don't worry your guests are pretty well known, i think the blogging world can take care of its own wiki-ing if needs be.

how bout the HRC?

Revolving Credit said...

AWB?

ChewTheCud said...

Human Rights commission vs. Afrikaner Weerstandsbeweging? its on!

Revolving Credit said...

OK you bring the mampoer!
I'll bring the knitting needles.

ChewTheCud said...

aw man - just saw the AWB website. carcks me up. rev - you wanna go halvies on getting suave an AWB cap ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Guys check out the Ku KLux Klan website, unbeievable. Has a soundtrack of marching oom-pah pah players int he background too...

Dodgy.

Have a great weekend y'all, I'm off to the land of mielies and cows! :)
xx

ChewTheCud said...

rofl - AWB has flash animation. old flags and stuff. don't even try reading it though.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, Kak lekker in die mielies.

Revolving Credit said...

Fuck me, not only is there flash, there's a kak backing track/midi file as well.

Sounds like a tune some oke played out his poephol

ChewTheCud said...

lol - it does sound like someone squeezing one out. Afrikaner Poepolsbeweging.

karaoke queen said...

I recommend bringing a few manly friends - one of which should own a pedophile van (non descript tan/white/blue/black van with the big slidy door) that you can shove your new prized possession into. Having a drink (or 2, or 5) first can be helpful too. We picked up several interesting road signs this way as well. Well, when the street is named after you they are just ASKING for it to be taken. Their own fault really ;)

Name was given to me. I am a mike hogging, 80s song blasting biatch. Gotta love Japan. Karaoke everywhere. I think they'd put it in the bathroom if they thought they could get away with it.....