Tuesday, November 21, 2006

the race

OK.

I finished the 94.7 cycle ‘challenge’. In four hours 23 minutes.
The miracle of God lives among us.

Sure, I’ve been poen-raped by my saddle, and I woke this morning wondering whether gremlins had thrust a giant watermelon up my peekachoo, but nevertheless I fucking did it.

I may be walking like a cripple, but I feel like a fucking hero.
Funnily enough the most painful part of my body are my hands. Two bruises from the handlebars, and having serious problems operating a mouse this morning.

Biggie up to my mates that phoned me on the hills and put up with my swearing and various “my poen is on fire china” rhetoric.

I had a docile weekend, no binge-drinking and ample carbo loading, as well as use the boyfriend’s uncle’s super-charged turbo racing bike, which I ultimately attribute to this achievement.

I feel however that the time is nigh to blow my own trumpet:
I did not stop once.
I did not push my bike up the hill once.
I did one training race – 40 kms, and virtually no other training.
I managed to smile about four times.

What got me through:
Thinking about all the people that have pissed me off in my life and thinking, “I’ll bloody well finish. That’ll show them.” Like that means anything to them, but whatever, it got me through.
Thinking about my boyfriend’s ass.
Thinking about the finish and how quickly I wanted to get there.
Proving to myself I can finish something gruelling.
Thinking of that first cigarette I’d smoke once I was done.
Thinking of the massive bender I’ll go on this week just ‘cos I can.

The first half of the race was piss. I stupidly thought, until halfway (the Dome): This is pisswilly. I’d been riding for two hours and I felt fine. But nobody told me about the Krugersdorp Highway – the road of hell, with hill after hill, and idly wondered why I hadn’t drawn up a will and last testament of my assets (Chad my rat, my iPod and a car half-owned by the bank) to my next of kin(s). That was the worst stretch of the whole race. Then of course, there were the hills before the finish, where it felt like my vajayjay had caught alight, and my hands ached like a bitch.

My lovely boyfriend, the cycliste professionale, met me for moral support for the last ten k’s, mentally distracting me as I swore at the final hills. After the finish, I fell off my bike, and people stared as I limped to a grassy knoll and collapsed in front of Moogs and the boyfriend. (Who both finished just after 3 hours earlier in the morning.) Thank heavens the day was overcast. My legs and ass felt like they were about to break right off my body – which maybe would’ve been relieving – we had to walk from Sunninghill (the finish) to Woodmead (the start) to get to the car. I forgot to read the fine print, having to walk after a race.

It also said on my little clock thingie, that ACTUALLY the 94.7 isn’t 94.7 kilometres. I had done 98.6 kilometres in actual fact – those little fraudsters.

So it took me twenty minutes this morning to get into my car, but hey. I live to see another day and I finished the bloody race in 4.23 hours. The boyfriend massaged my cramp-ridden legs with Arnica. I wonder whether it’s made a difference. We even went to the Borat movie (which was hilarious), and didn’t need to park in the disabled bay and push me into the movie cinema in a wheelchair.

Yeeouch. But my bottom is sore and my hands have taken a hammering.

PS: I was a dumbass. I really thought I didn't need to get a timing chip because I'd never finish, or only attempt half the race. So if I ever decided to subject myself to this hell again, I'd still be put at the back.

48 comments:

Revolving Credit said...

Congrats of the finish. Much celebration will follow, I'm sure once you stop walking like a cowboy.

PS. After all this boyfriend talk and how he managed to take care of you, don't you think it's time to take it to the next level - give him a proper blog name??

Anonymous said...

well fucking done! I am well proud of you...was thinking of yu yesterday when all the fricking roads in jozi were blocked...grrrrr.....
Lisa

Pete said...

Well done Peas, you are a MACHINE!!

Crusoe said...

See what happens when you tell everyone that you are going to stop at the Dome - no-one tells you about the R28 and then rest of the race. :)

You are one stubborn bitch for finishing the race - well done! Did the banana's help?

Anonymous said...

Crusoe - In a conversation that (knowing this crowd) will probably end up focused on Peas' poen, bringing up banana's is really just asking for it:)

Crusoe said...

Do you think she took banana's with her to 'treat' her poen during the ride? I've tried to fit a banana into tight cycling pants before and it isn't easy ;-)

Pete said...

Hmm.. Bananas as a 'treatment', or as a 'treat'? I wonder:)

tBerry said...

Well done Peas, you are a legend.

Notice how that last line could be changed...

"Yeeouch. But my hands are sore and my bottom has taken a hammering.."

Daedalus said...

Well done Ertjie!,
Something that I would not do I tell ya. Spent my Sunday catching up on some Small Ville episodes. I did at least think of you poor buggers once when I saw the rain coming down ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Finally I can comment!

Rev - thanks guy. I look like John Wayne right now...
The boyfriend has had so mnay names on this here blog - I will thinking of something though and give him a permanent blog name.

Lisa - thanks babe. ;) Yes the traffic/road closure is always bitch on the 94.7 day...

Pete - Peas is a machine! Woohoooo! I like that, yes I do! :)

Crusoe - I'll keep this conversation above board...the banas did help my dear, thanks. I chowed three during the race.

Anon - pones and bananas...this is only going to go one way! ;)

Crusoe - no my dear, I didn't try to stuff them into my shorts, although that might've proved interesting...;)

Pete - both really. :)

tBerry - lol, thanks my dear! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy thanks sweetiepie! I'm telling you, I still got sunburn on ym legs even though it rained - crazy eh? ;)
Ertjie x

Daytripper said...

Fuckme peas, in the rain nogal??!?!?!?
Well done!

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - lol, thanks guy. It's a miracle I tell you. Thank goodness the sun wasn't blazing down though. I still, even after the weather, have a lekker shorts tan now... :)

Revolving Credit said...

You got sunburned in the rain?
In summary:
- You legs were hot
- Your boyfriend massaged your thighs
- You had a banana as a treat
- You were thinking about your boyfriend's ass
- You were wet
- You got taken for a ride
- Your poen took a pounding
- Your bottom got banged up
- You kept thinking about the cigarette you'd have afterwards.
- You're struggling to walk properly today.

Did I miss anything else?

Koekie said...

CON-GRAT-U-LA-TIONS

It has to be typed like this in order to fully convey the magnitude of the event... I was thinking of you and all the other poor sods on their bikes while I was happy in my lethargic state of mind yesterday.

Cycling is a stupid past time. But still, you did it. Respek.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - if sex left me feeling half as sore as I am today, I'd probably abstain. I say probably, not certainly.

Hilarious. Sounds like I spent the weekend getting boofed in a bordello! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Koeks! I've realised that is actually looks worse than it is. I know, amazing. :)

Jam said...

Well done you awesome awesome woman. That's an amazing achievement. You obviously are really good at mind over matter - I've always believed that half the battle when racing is getting your brain into the right space.

Insane Insomniac said...

Hi Peas!
Congrats and kudos on the 94.7!! I have never felt any inclination to enter and usually laughed my ass off at the suckers on thier bikes riding around jozi. Similar feelings towards to guys who run any type of marathon - hence the invention of the car.

Hope you get back on your feet soon.

Billy said...

Well done Peas!

I was the complete opposite. Tore the arse out of it and got home at about time you guys started riding. I have LS today, you have pride. You win.

Crusoe said...

So Peas, have you thought about doing any more riding? Or was this a one-off?

Champagne Heathen said...

Well Done Peas!!! Brilliant achievement & Good Luck with the pain. I hope you can walk again by mid-week!

See, being hard-headed will get you everywhere in life, despite what the crowd says.

(Blogger is up to shite today. The only way I got off your last week's posts was by Rev giving me the address of today's post!)

Revolving Credit said...

I see Ant's been Cherry picking/eating.

Don't you think we should refer her to last week's cherry eating post and she if her weekend was anything like that
*evil grin*

Kate said...

Jeez - seriously well done! You deserve much arnica massaging.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie, you do look a tad slow today hehehe....

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - thanks dollface! Yes I'm a stubborn bith at the best of times and told myself I wasn't turning back till I'd done it good and proper. :)

Insomniac - thank you! I agree with you about road running marathons - I wouldn't put my shin splints or knees under such duress!

Billy - thanks my dear. Don't worry, I'll catch up with the amount I plan to booze this forthcoming weekend!

Crusoe - I actually am thinking of doing some training this time and attempt the Argus. What do you think, doable?

Champs - thanks mate! It took a due amount of discipline not to go out and get ratassed this weekend. But I suppose it's actually got me somwhere: the finish!

Kate - cheers mate! ;)

D-Guy - a little, definitely! ;) Bu we just had an electricity outage as well...sigh.

zuzula said...

amazing - well done!

Candy said...

Dude, That's excellent. Very proud ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Zu - thanks babe. I think it's the most exercise I've ever done my whole life. :)

Thanks Candy! xx

It is the question said...

So you're walking like a cowboy in stilletos today?

That must be a sight...

IITQ

Peas on Toast said...

IITQ - No dear, I optend for flats today. Can you imagine? The poise of a yak...

Revolving Credit said...

Kinda like a clown on stilts - wide, cautious, awkward, deliberate strides.

Peas on Toast said...

Lol - like someone who who has an unfortunate accident with a baseball bat...;)

chewthecud said...

congratulations - thats a lot more than the average blogger would bike i think. thats actually a lot earlier than the avergae blogger would wake up on a sunday. Now that you've done the race you can get this for your shoes. clever innit ;P

Revolving Credit said...

Peas ,*concern*, what unfortunate accident did you have with the baseball bat??

Have you retired the whacker???

Damn girl, that ambition for you.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Maybe the bushwhacker has been a baseball bat this whole time....
But rest easy, it really isn't. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Be careful Peas, baseball bats are dangerous.
3 strikes and you're out.

Do you also slam the whacker against the heels of your shoes before you use it??

Carlz said...

i'm sure the massage made it all worthwhile :) well done u legend! what a great achievement - the only exercise I been doing lately is jumping to conclusions and throwing my toys! looking forward to seeing u my friend!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - then I spit my chewing tobbacco on the pitch. ;)

Carlz - thanks dudeface! That's a bit of expendibale energy there doll - throwing toys and jumping to conclusions takes ample energy! Can't wait to have a razzle when you're back in the Big Smoke. xxx

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, do you happen to find that chewing tobacco creates better lubrication for the bushwacker than just your average KY!?!? I'd be careful of such a substitute though when you are out of the practice match & playing the actual game. It has the chance of making the pitch or its protective covering crack & tear, like vaseline does.

Revolving Credit said...

Afte all that cycling do you think you'll be able to go a full 10 innings?

or will you not even make it to 3rd base?

Champagne Heathen said...

I see that it's all about sport today in the blogging world, Revs!

Revolving Credit said...

Not quite, Zuzula is on agriculture but it's all the same theme, really.

Champagne Heathen said...

One girl's pitch is another girl's vegetable patch!

Revolving Credit said...

in Peas' case I think it's called a mound.

other-duke said...

well done on finishing!!

karaoke queen said...

Congrats!!! I couldn't have done it :D

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks chaps! ;)