Wednesday, December 06, 2006

blikinigate: mission aborted

The search for the gold bikini has turned into Mission Impossible.

Without Tom Cruise.

Blinkinigate is proving the most difficult thing to track down this year. More difficult than changing my banking details with Multichoice, more difficult (I imagine) than a half-price holiday package to Beirut, more difficult than finishing off this year’s last magazine, more difficult than trying to focus primarily on work and not crazy monkey sex, and more difficult than getting out of bed after a Jaegerbinge.

Blinkinigate would prove testing for James Bond himself.

My mission has so far comprised fruitless phonecalls and wondering whether blinkini exists at all.

It all started one casual afternoon. God knows I wasn’t looking for a time-consuming bikini mission. Leafing through the November issue of Elle (the one with La Lohan on the cover), my eyes, much like when an ostrich first sees something metallic twinkle in the sun, stopped, catatonic on page 54.

The pure gold, ruched-in-the-right-places string-perfection was what I’ve been searching for in beachware my whole life.
Like jeans, it can take a woman a lifetime to find the perfect bikini.

I phoned Telkom directory services. The bikini label is JBS, however, astutely mind you, I ignored the stockist Capetonian number at the back of the magazine. Bypass the Western Cape and ask for a store in which it is stocked in the greater Johannesburg metropolitan area. Telkom thought I’d been smoking my socks, and had no number listed under JBS.
Fine.
Blikinigate was in full swing now.
I phoned the fashion editor at Elle to double check on Joburg numbers.
Nothing.
Phoned the Cape Town store.
They gave me an agent number.
I phoned her. Left three messages.
The more I phoned, the more I felt closer to my gold bikini. And the more I felt like a bikini stalker. Irrationality was clouding my questionably-logical brain.
She phoned me back, eventually, and gave me two stockists’ numbers. One in Eastgate, one at Sandton City.
Eastgate also thought I’d been smoking my socks.
Sandton City sounded promising: she had one size too big. Not to worry, I’d deal. Stuff the bra area with beach sand if need be.
They had two left. I ordered it, told her to hold onto it with her life; I’d be over after to work to collect the holy gold bikinigrail.

Heavy Lebanese accent: (this falls in well with Mission Blinkinigate, not?)
“You said you wonn’ed the gawld one?
Correct. Please take it off the hanger and keep it for me right now.
“Eet’s ok. I will do that.”
Awesome. Ta.
“You said you wonn’ed the one piece?”
No. The bikini. The JBS gold bikini as advertised in the November Elle on page 54.
“Oh. Bad nyoos. We only got the one piece.”
No bikinis? [crestfallen]
“No.”

Fuck.

Blinkinigate has come to a crashing halt. Where to turn? I stared at the photo in the magazine for about ten minutes. If I convince myself enough, I don’t like it that much. I mean, it’s only a beautiful colour, design and sports the perfect amount of shiney shimmer. Last season’s bikini is only marginally less spectacular after all, and I managed just fine with that.

Fuck it. Maybe a Woolies bikini will be cheaper anyway.

Besides, more pressing matters are at hand! My interview on SAfm today, for instance.

44 comments:

Pete said...

Peas, it might actually be pretty easy to get, as long as you have a mate in Cape Town?

When I was studying I worked at a surf shop and we had millions of those damn
JBS things, not really what the label conscious teenage girls wanted, so they always clogged up our shelves, but I digress, any surf shop down there is sure to have them, so get said mate to go on the hunt!

Also, is your interview going to air live? What time?

Peas on Toast said...

Not a bad idea Pete. I'll get a mate to check in at JBS in the Mother City. BUt perhaps its a sign - I'm not meant to wear it or something. ;)

My interview isn't live - thank heavens - so as soon as I know when it'll be aired, I'll let you know. Eeeeekkkkk!

Lollipop said...

Ok, so I'm commenting a day late but what the heck. Blinkini?! Excuse my total lack of interest in todays fashion, but I think by some divine intervention you have been spared from spending money on the blinkini. I predict it shall stand in the fashion hall of shame alongside Cher's and Celine Dion's wardrobe. No offense, it's your choice, you'll probably look fab in it but I just had to comment on shiny clothing!

Pete said...

Ja, just saw the 'mission aborted' bit in the title, hope i'm not giving you false hope:)

Good luck with the interview and remember, just imagine everyone else in the room is naked and you'll be fine. Unless you start thinking of having crazy monkey sex with them..

kyknoord said...

I reckon the trick is not to to get too hung up about it. It's probably playing hard-to-get, so if you act all aloof, it will come running back, begging for another chance. Bikinis are like that.

Peas on Toast said...

Lollipop - it sounds hideous on screen. But I digress: the blinkini is something else my dear. You're just going to have to trust me on this one. ;)

Pete - thanks guy. I suppose it's time to move on and set my sights elsewhere, eh? ;)

Kyk - As the saying goes: if you love something, set it free. It just better not come grovelling after I've fallen in love with another one. It'll only cause shit when it's too late. :)

Crusoe said...

Clothing has a way of being really bloody bitchy sometimes. Peas I feel your pain. A similar torture is seeing something in a clothes shop overseas and deciding to wait until you get back to SA to buy it. It never works! You will never see anything as cool ever again. Rule 1 of shopping: if you see something you like just fucking buy it because if you don't it will haunt you forever!

Daytripper said...

sooo, Lollipop agrees with me on the Gold Bikini! heheh!
Seems i am not the only Phasion Philistine in Lala land after all!

But I do agree with Kyknoord, maybe you have been trying too hard! and if you do find one in CT I will gladly bring it back to you when we return from our hoiday there over Xmas... with it flying from my aerial! heheh!

Champagne Heathen said...

It'd fit in perfectly with your car then Daytripper!! he he he. Also, it seems it is a mid/late-twenties thing to understand the appeal of a blinkini.

Peas, do not give up!! Keep going on this mission of madness!! A simple-cut red Woolies bikini will just never be the same & you'll spend most of the holiday sobbing behind a sand dune.

Do it Peas!

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - for sure. It's seldom one finds something that is perfect. Seldom. And this blinkini is palyign so hard to get, the games are driving me crazy.

Daytripper - you're not alone big guy! :)
I'll also be down in Cape Town - don't know why I ceased to remember that - so I suppose I can aways look for myself. You'll stop traffic if you hang Blinkini fro your aerial...;)

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - thanks dollface.

I just don't know where to get this thing? I've exhausted all my options I think...but I will check when I'm in Slaapstad, perhaps I'll have more luck down there!

Tertia said...

Dude, you wont believe it but I bought a JBS bikini yesterday. It was time. I was tying the thing together with knots. V uncool. Anyway, went to a specialist bra/broeks/bikini shop and found one that didn't make me look hideous. It was the first time I'd heard of JBS (v uncool). Quite expensive, I think. 470 ront? Is that expensive? Seems like it to me.

Anyway, know where they stock JBS. Can ask if you'd like. They are busy altering the bikini for me so will pick it up next week (chest smaller size than ass)

Good luck for the radio thing today

xxxx

Peas on Toast said...

Howzit Tertia!

I'm honoured: the most famous blogger alive has just commented on my blog! *honourary blush*

470 smacks is a lot of cash, I agree. This one is going for 470 as well if I remember correctly. If you can ask the Cape Town branch for me - if you swing by the shop in any case - it would be much appreciated. I'm thinking now I may just go the Woolies or Hang Ten route at this point if all else fails. They're cheaper anyhow.

I forgot to congratulate you on your Carte Balnche apprearance - it must've taken nerves of steel, well done, it was great to see you live!

And I'm getting epic nerves myself. Please pass the wine! :)

xx

Billy said...

Get a cheap woolies one and a can of gold spray paint. Sorted.

Peas on Toast said...

I like your practicality big guy.

The scary thing is I'm really considering it. :)

Shaun said...

C'mon Peas, use that techie head of yours. Two minutes on google.co.za searching for JBS swimwear found me two telephone numbers, an email address and all the design and manufacturing detail you could desire... (Cygnet Manufacturing Company in Cape Town, South Africa).

Detail here.

Gawd I must be bored with work - here's me searching for bikini's for strangers.

Peas on Toast said...

He he he - Shaun you should know how techie I am bru - I'm not! :)

Thanks a mill, I have the number already - but Blinkinigate is back on! I've emailed the chick directly.

You're a star. ;)

Insane Insomniac said...

Shite Peas! On Radio? That is SOOOOO Cool! You really earned it. The blog is the way of the future.

Still chilling at home on Holz. Will blog when...erm...i feel like it. too hungover right now.

Peas on Toast said...

Insomniac - thanks dollface! Gettig more nervous by the second....;)

Holz...I can't wait...ten days and counting!

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Why Gold though?
[I think I missed your reason]
As usual, I am a bit behind on this one.

Peas on Toast said...

D-guy - well, a) it looks spectacular, b) not many others will be sporting gold, even though it's in vogue at the moment, and c) I have a crow's penchant for shiny things.

and d) it's perfect....

:)

Champagne Heathen said...

But Peas, surely there are thousands upon thousands of gold bikinis in Sandton City boutiques. What on earth else are the kugels gonna wear at Plett this year then??????

Peas on Toast said...

One would think Champers. I've looked around believe you me, and have yet to find one. The closest was a bronzey thing at Queens Park...sigh.

Champagne Heathen said...

Yes, bronze definitely just will not do!

(Interview time?? At this rate you are going to be doing it live!)

Jam said...

Hello blikinigate girl.
Pity they don't make metallic gold clothing dye, 'cause then you could purchase a white one.
Can you imagine a white bikini dyed gold running in the sea water? Hehe.

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - it's at 3:30....eeek.

Jam - why hello there my dear!
Yes, can you just see me on Clifton 4 beach, amongst all the Chanels, Pringles and what not and there's my one - running.
:)

Champagne Heathen said...

3.30?? I'll be in my car in the office basement!! GOOD LUCK!!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Champs - but dude as I said it's not live. I'm not entirely sure when it will air, but will let you know as soon as they tell me. :)

So it looks like if I do throw the word poen in, it'll be edited. :(

Champagne Heathen said...

OH! I thought it was being aired at 3.30. Good. Now I don't have to sit in my car alone in my basement twice in a day. Just once, when we finally know when you become a vocal celeb!!

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
But a black bikini is just (way more) as sexy.
It is not the feathers that makes the duck you know. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, how about posting the Blinkini from Elle so that we can see what it is you're talking about.

Kate said...

I think the body paint idea is starting to look like a real option! :(

Champagne Heathen said...

If you use some cheap glittery self tan in strategic places then you could bypass the body paint, and have a body bikini. It might look a bit more shiny orange than gold though!

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Champs! I'll give you the nod for indoor basement sitting as soon as I poen myself off on air...

D-Guy - but gold is the new black!

Rev - I was going to do that, then I forgor to take a pic of it at home. Will do tomorrow.

Kate - body paint and a fair amount of plucking. ;)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
<REPEAT>
A Black Bikini is sexy!
</REPEAT>

Gold is so 70's... hehehe!

Revolving Credit said...

Bling on Toast?

Daedalus said...

Revo,
Yeah... Cute-Bling-Blog-Thing

Suavé said...

Knock em dead keed! It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

Holleration!

Suavé said...

Knock em dead keed! It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

Holleration!

Champagne Heathen said...

Suave - Do you know when it's going to be aired??? I was about to mail you to wish you luck...too late! so I guess, Well Done!

Suavé said...

Thanks anyway Champers. I hope I didn't sound like a moron on it though. It'll be on next week sometime. They gonna compile it with all the others and put it in one show. It's also going on Radio 2000! Phuck, how did I get into this? I'm pretty sure Peas is going to rip it apart!

Champagne Heathen said...

Great! So I don't need to worry about rushing to my car to listen anytime soon!

How did you guys all get into this mess?? ....you thought one day, "Hey, it'd be cool to pass my time at work with a blog. Let's see what this button does..." and WHAM! you're on radio!! Brilliant really!

mike said...

Okay, check it check it check it schweet buy some gold tin foil from the Hyperama, get some stickytape from CNA, right, then you buy some scissors from Checkers, right, right, cool, you with me? Great, then you use some crafty skillz and cut and paste your own blikini together, and everybody will dig is lanks and you'll be the hero of the day. Rad? You can thanks me laters.

Peas on Toast said...

Mike - dude, you've made my morning.