Tuesday, December 05, 2006


So Friday was spent for the most part in pain, hazily thinking of my seemingly unattainable gold blinkini. But I also sorted out something one needs to do these days when one gets into a relationship that is anticipated to be long-term.

The Test.

Firstly, I am back on oestrogen. Not an oral pill, but the patch. The latest, greatest thing since the loop, or so I’m told. It doesn’t make you fat or moody and is 99% effective against pregnancy. Because you stick the patch on your bottom (it looks like a plaster, which may take the romanticism out of doggy style…and I say that tongue and cheek of course), the hormones don’t pass through your liver. So you don’t put on weight, it doesn’t help skin problems, but is easier and less symptomatic than the pill. The pill can make one a psycho bitch from hell, for the record.

I haven’t been on oral contraceptives for almost 18 months now. And initially I hated the fact I had to go on them again. But the patch, called Evra, seems like a miracle product. Also, vomiting and diarrhoea (not that girls get this, ever), and some antibiotics don’t affect it.

I change it once a week, it doesn’t come off in water and I don’t need to remember to take a pill at the same time everyday.
Great stuff.
Shameful puntage over. For now.
Because after two days of having this thing adhered to my bottom, yesterday I felt very flat. Perhaps it’s my body having to get used to high-dosage female sex hormones being pumped into it again. I woke at 3:30am, after attending Smoking Legs’ end-of-year work bash, and started crying. I was alone thank heavens, and for the most part of Sunday morning I felt very depressed. I wasn't anyhing I could put my finger on – I mean, I’m deliriously happy right now – so let’s hope my ass gets used to the oestrogen patch fairly quickly.

More hectically, Smoking Legs and I did the sensible thing, which couples should be doing these days before loss-ing the condoms: We went for an HIV test.
Together. At Milpark Hospital. It was a bonding sesh such that I’ve never had before. I’m highly strung when it comes to needles, and this was just epic. He held my hand throughout the process.

Now I didn’t think I have AIDS for a second, I’m very vigilant when protection is concerned, mainly because some of my boyfriends have put their totty’s in many a questionably-tainted crevice that I don’t care to know about, or imagine what venereal nasties have passed betwixtthen.
But can I just say what a knife edge I was on for those 24 hours until we got the results. What if? What if? (I drank quite a bit of wine with C on Friday to counteract the nerves).
I’ve never had an HIV test before, and it’s nerve wracking, let me just tell you. Needles and tubes of blood aside – it’s the waiting that’s the worst.

Smoking Legs and I have obviously been sensible and careful in our past sexual endeavours, and we’re clear. Clear to shtoink without worry now, anyway.
So excited was I, the doctor at Milpark got a massive hug and I shouted: Yay! We’re free! (To boof wherever, whenever! But I didn’t say that.)
She just laughed and said, “Have fun kids.”
Oh, we will.

More worrisome however was the conversation I had with mum:
Peas: I’m getting tested for HIV today. I’m shitting myself.
Mum: Well you’ve used protection haven’t you? Just how many people have you slept with Peas?
Peas: I am choosing right now to ignore your last question, but yes I’ve used protection.
Mum: Then you should be fine. I was shitting myself too.
Peas: When did you get a test?
Mum: For insurance purposes a while back. And since your dad left eight years ago Peas, I haven’t exactly been an angel, especially that one time…
Peas: Eew, enough Mum! OK, I geddit.


Pete said...

Ahhh.. It feels good to be back in my place as first commenter:)

I donate blood regularly, and I'm pretty sure that back in the day I was told they do the test on your blood, and will refuse to take it the next time (obviously), so as long as I get those annoying SMS's from them, I feel a little less nervous. Though to be fair, it's not like I've been getting it nearly as often as your mom:) Or at all for that matter.

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Pete!
You're back! Yay!

Yip I'm sure you must be in the clear if they let you donate over and over again.
As for my mum, hectic hey?

Champagne Heathen said...

Yeah! Excellent Peas! Thanks so so much for writing such a post...you make my job/mission so much easier!!

The stress is a bitch hey! Did you get some form of counselling before & after the actual test? And did you pay or was it free?

Also, interesting info to know about the patch there.

And I am happy both of you are negative!

Peas on Toast said...

Hiya Champers!

I thought you'd appreciate this post my friend! ;)
We were offered pre-counselling, but from what I understand they were going to tell us what AIDS is, our risk at having it, and how it works. And we thought if god forbid, we were positive, we'd go for the post-counselling instead.
I don't think it was entirely free, but just the test cost R170.

Somali said...

Morning Peas,

I also had to have the test for insurance purposes. I was asked to put down my Doctors contact numbers so they can contact him. (if necessary so he can council me) I had to wait for a whole week to get my results back!! You are lucky you got yours in 24hrs.

Anyhow, I was safe in the past before my long term boyfriend but you still have that voice in the back of head... What if the Dr phones!!

Luckily he never phoned!! My insurance people phoned and said you are covered!!!

Clear as a bell!

Glad to hear you guys are doing it the right way! And that all is clear!

huniii said...

Mothers huh? gawd love 'em.

So your ass is giving you trouble? Making you depressed?

Mine does that. But its coz its too big, not coz it has sticky stuff on it.

Congrats on the all clear to boof as the fancy takes you!

Peas on Toast said...

Somali - sounds like my mum's test you had my dear - she also had to wait an entire week. I would've been impossible during that time, so volatile! What a relief when they came eh?

Hunnii - I'm sure you have a lovely bum dearie. :) I'm telling you though, if this patch makes my bum big, I won't be happy about it.

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know, there is a test that the doc administer that shows results in like ten minutes. I know that they offer them free at community clinics (if you don't mind sitting in a massive queue or getting there at the crack of dawn) but the mediclinics also offer them. And it's a prick test which is way better for people like me with needle phobias.

And good luck with the first few weeks of hormones. I feel your pain...

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Anon!

I heard about this less painful, less stressful test as well - but only after we'd gone to the hospital and had it done. Definitely would've gone for the shorter one though!

Anonymous said...

(same anon as before)

Well at least it's done and it's not sitting in the back of your mind stressing you out.

And thanks for sharing - I dig reading your blog every day :)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks man. :)

PS: Had it come out positive for either one of us, I definitely would not be sharing this! Thank heavens all is ok.

Anonymous said...


Indeed! And understandably about the sharing of course. Congrats on the OK!

Champagne Heathen said...

Can I jump in here about the rapid test...and any HIV tests in general.

Receiving the rapid finger prick test at clinics (such as the Sandown Clinic next to Mandela Square or the Randburg Clinic)...to jump the queues you just have to phone & make an appointment & then it goes speedily enough.

Also they do not offer them 24/7. There are certain times the sisters & nurses who are trained to counsel & give these tests are available so you need to phone also to find this out.

These rapid tests are reliable. However, you might be required to go for a 2nd test should you go for the 1st test during the "window period" of possible infection (3-6 months long in general but tests are becoming better to detect antibodies earlier).

Sorry. I'll stop now. Unless you want to know more.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Champers!
I assume because I haven't had sex in six months to now my window period is over, so I'm guessing this was a good time to go...

Insane Insomniac said...

May you and smoking legs put rabbits to shame!
Good on you for taking the test. Although sexual history sharing with mothers - i doubt even the Gilmore Girls have gone that far!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Insomniac :)

Yeah, I have no idea why we suddenly feel thith each other. It's not right, is it!

other-duke said...

yip. the wait is the worst!!

Loved the What IF what IF... that's me exactly.

So. Someone thinks of your mom as a MILF. I understand your freakedoutness

Peas on Toast said...

OD- so you also had the test huh? It's hectic. Don't want to go through it again for a while to come!

I don't reckon my mum's a MILF. She's aged well, has great skin and bod, but I don't reckon a MILF is on the cards. Bless that she had dates coming out of her ears though...;)

kyknoord said...

New millenium romantic. Brings a tear to the eye, it does.

other-duke said...

yip, don't you remember?


Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - me and my gran's courtship days are vast, aren't they? Meet, get married, shag. Today it's: meet, get the est, then shag with marraige the furtherest thing on the horizon...!

OD - Thanks for jogging my memory! I do recall now. It's really a mental preparation. Like what happens if?

Daedalus said...

1000 points for doing *it* right girl!.. Keep it clean and safe.
I know condoms are a phucking drag and can spoil the mood ... I mean...
I love asking: "Does this condom make me look fat?" which kina breaks the "get the condom tention"... but better to look after yourself, boof with rubber lollie till sure. Hahah!

Champagne Heathen said...

If it happened - your life wouldn't be over, but you would have a whole new set of rules to live by.
(Anyone else notice how I am so prepped for such questions!!)
...but it is excellent to ask "What if" and reflect on it. It brings reality crashing through the door & hopefully stops thoughts of "It could never happen to me"!

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - "do I look fat in this?" ha ha ha! I suppose if the answer was yes, that's a good thing right? ;)

Champers - these are the thoughts that went through my head if the test went horribly wrong:

1) I'd throw myself off a bridge.
2) I'd turn it political. This blog would become a medium in which to help others with AIDS and talk about it freely and openly.
3) I'd shut up and never tell anyone, but then wouldn't go out looking for sex again either, therefore investing in lots of sex toys
4) I'd get very drunk, cry for a week then sort out antiretrovirals.

It's hectic.

But luckily, I do not need to consider these options anymore.

Kate said...

Peas: Such a cool post. Its so often the people who have no excuses for not getting tested that are the worst at doing it, and its cool that you're blogging about the experience to that very audience!


zuzula said...

Good girl! I've only ever managed to do the test retrospectively... sooooo stupid. You're an inspiration to us all!

Revolving Credit said...

Too tired to read comments and reply so will rely on reflex commenting technique.

'Because you stick the patch on your bottom (it looks like a plaster, which may take the romanticism out of doggy style…and I say that tongue and cheek of course)'

Peas, doggy style , no matter how ambidexterous you are, should never be 'tongue and cheek'.
Honey, thats Dodgy Style.

It's not an oral contraceptive so it does not need to be licked.

Daedalus said...

That Q normally goes of rather well... you never get a YES or NO .. just a lot of laughter or giggles. I am a bit of a believer in the "humour in bed" thing... specially if you are struggling to find the "which side ^up" on the dang condom. Gawd forbid you try and force the wrong side hahaha!

PS Rev: *Woof*

Peas on Toast said...

Kate - thanks dollface. :)

Zu - don't worry, you and me both babe. I should've done this in my previous relationship, but perhaps I had this inert feeling it wasn't to last...

Revvie - ...although, I'm all for Dodgy Style. Perhaps we can try this one out! :)

D-Guy - yip, one has to keep laughing on the condom donning. Or else one loses one's libido suddenly...

Revolving Credit said...

If you're having oral sex, do you have to stick the patch on your tongue??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - hopefully not. Perhaps only if you swallow... :)

And maybe I do, maybe I don't, before you ask. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

How about contraceptive chewing gum.

After the drought, I'm sure you'll be chewing up a storm.

Would you blow bubbles?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - probably not. I don't know, semen bubbles/semen gum just doesn't get my fire burning like a good shag, really. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

I said contraceptive gum??

You CAME up with the semen flavour all on your own.

Daedalus said...

I remember having one of those "glow-in-the-dark" condomes once... "that" .. was FUNNY!... STARWARS-TIME!!... WWwwwwWWWwww... WWWwwww.. WhuoaaWwwww... chase the girl all over the room with that thing hahaha.... (I think that was about the only time I actually enjoyed a condom hahaha!!!)

Champagne Heathen said...

You know the problem with having met bloggers, is that you can now put a face to some of the dodgy dodgy stories they relay in this space.... Thanks for the story Daeds!

Peas on Toast said...

Ah but Rev, don't say you didn't think about it. :)

D-guy - you chase chicks around the room with lumo condoms? Your idea of foreplay is hilarious big guy! ;)

Champs - I hear you. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Daeds, the girls are busy imagining your luminous knob!

STAR WARS - 'The Force is strong with this one'

Daedalus said...

Hahahaha!!!,.... erm I was young at the time ... things changed ... *a lot.

Daedalus said...

So, how does the real D measure up to his text-rants?

Daedalus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Daedalus said...

Knowing you ... lemmi redo my previous comment:

You should try the luminous condom Rev... one would expect it from you, you are not "living up" to your online persona dewd... and no ... it is NOT gay. Hahaha!

Champagne Heathen said...

Ummmm..... I'm not sure Rev. I have never seen Daeds running around starkers, sporting only a light saber.

Daedalus said...

WwwwOahwwww, www, whawwww!