Dear Peas on Toast….

What do women want? And following up on that, b) Can men ever give this to them, and following on from that, c) do they really know what they want?

Dear Simple Question Made Complicated
Women want to loved, adored, needed, understood.
b) Apparently they can. By laughing at their jokes, bringing them flowers, holding their hands in public, telling them they look lovely when they are zit-ridden, chilling out when they do or say something wrong, giving them a hug when they are upset.
c) Yes. They see it and they want it.

Dear Peas On Toast
How do I prepare a good salmon? Like the one you made for Third World Ant that one time you lost a bet?

Dear Cordon Bleu Fish Person
Buy it fresh, never frozen. Heat the pan with olive oil. Throw in longitudinally-sliced zucchini when oil bubbles. Hurl in a spoon of crushed garlic. Salt the salmon with black pepper, crushed salt and freshly cut herbs like dill and cilantro. Sear on both sides for about 1 minute, no more. Don’t repeatedly turn over.
Serve.

Dear Peas On Toast
How do I introduce my dildo to my partner and our bedroom repertoire?

Dear Dildolicious
“Hi. This is [insert name here]. He’d like to meet you.”
Then if the introduction doesn’t go down like a Greek shithouse falling from the heavens, ask him to pleasure you with it.

Dear Peas On Toast
Do you eat actually peas on toast? If not, what do you eat on toast?

Dear Obsessed on with Toast
1) No.
2) Marmite.

Dear Peas On Toast
I dig the guy at the office, and he digs me, but he ignores me at the photocopy machine. Even if I ask him if he can help me install a new toner cartridge.

Dear Office Admin
I assume you’ve seen him outside the corporate establishment? Like in the lunch queue or in the parking lot? Immediately suspend your nib from the office ink for a while and shag something with a massive penis. Men are machines in the boardroom. Machines have no feelings. Take him away from the fax machine and if he’s cool, bang him. But generally, office affairs are finite. Unless one of you resigns, of course.
PS: He’s your boss isn’t he? Second guess, he works in HR?

Dear Peas On Toast
What do I do if I’m inundated with work, my chick SMSes me and then I forget to SMS her back? She gets annoyed and then does the whole silent treatment thing for like three days. I can’t win.

Dear I See Through This
Here’s the thing, and I’m just gonna say it. If an oke repeatedly, and I say repeatedly – not just one situation – ignores his chick or takes time to reply to an SMS/ email/ phonecall, she’s going to [rightfully] assume the oke isn’t interested anymore. Men need to hunt or pursue. Chicks need to be pursued. It’s patriarchal old school, but that’s the bottom line. So if she’s being resentful, it means it’s because you always take time to reply. Don’t lie. It’s fairly transparent, china.

Dear Peas On Toast
My boyfriend says he loves me one minute than says he hates me the next. What should I do?

Dear When Love And Hate Collide
Dump his sorry ass. On second thoughts tell him you hate him, then dump his sorry ass.
Or have a final shag, then tell him you hate him, then dump his [sorry] ass. Of course, being a chick, I assume, you’ll first cry about it, wonder what you did wrong, cry some more, give him his favourite jockstrap for Christmas and then when you finally reach the end of your tether, you will say you hate him and actually mean it. I guess.

Dear Peas On Toast
I’m in love with my second cousin. I know this sounds bad, but we haven’t slept together. And he’s only my second cousin. What should I do?

Dear The Family Tree Doesn’t Fork
Seek professional help, as I cannot answer this question. Sorry.
PS: Seriously???

Dear Peas On Toast
I’m trying to find a good ringtone for my phone. What do you have on yours?

Dear Just Download A Song Already
Last year I had Love Generation and was almost killed through the medium of a rolodex by a colleague that sits one desk down. Then I had ‘Druk Die Fokken Knoppie’ which made everyone around me mental. Then I had So Sick Of Love Songs, which induced a vomit reflex. Now I have a ring ring. No one uses that one anymore.

Dear Peas On Toast
I drive a better car than my boyfriend. I think this pisses him off. Would this pose a problem in the future?

Dear Car Troubles
It shouldn’t, but let the dude give yours a go every now and then. If he rides the clutch/revs over 5000 rpms/ takes a corner on one wheel and clips the kerb/ crashes it, then you can stop the privilege.

I went out to a superb Valentines’ Dinner last night in Melville with C, E, E2, N, C4, the whole chick alphabet and three okes. Was splendid. I ate the snapper.