Friday, February 16, 2007

Dear Peas on Toast….

What do women want? And following up on that, b) Can men ever give this to them, and following on from that, c) do they really know what they want?

Dear Simple Question Made Complicated
Women want to loved, adored, needed, understood.
b) Apparently they can. By laughing at their jokes, bringing them flowers, holding their hands in public, telling them they look lovely when they are zit-ridden, chilling out when they do or say something wrong, giving them a hug when they are upset.
c) Yes. They see it and they want it.

Dear Peas On Toast
How do I prepare a good salmon? Like the one you made for Third World Ant that one time you lost a bet?

Dear Cordon Bleu Fish Person
Buy it fresh, never frozen. Heat the pan with olive oil. Throw in longitudinally-sliced zucchini when oil bubbles. Hurl in a spoon of crushed garlic. Salt the salmon with black pepper, crushed salt and freshly cut herbs like dill and cilantro. Sear on both sides for about 1 minute, no more. Don’t repeatedly turn over.

Dear Peas On Toast
How do I introduce my dildo to my partner and our bedroom repertoire?

Dear Dildolicious
“Hi. This is [insert name here]. He’d like to meet you.”
Then if the introduction doesn’t go down like a Greek shithouse falling from the heavens, ask him to pleasure you with it.

Dear Peas On Toast
Do you eat actually peas on toast? If not, what do you eat on toast?

Dear Obsessed on with Toast
1) No.
2) Marmite.

Dear Peas On Toast
I dig the guy at the office, and he digs me, but he ignores me at the photocopy machine. Even if I ask him if he can help me install a new toner cartridge.

Dear Office Admin
I assume you’ve seen him outside the corporate establishment? Like in the lunch queue or in the parking lot? Immediately suspend your nib from the office ink for a while and shag something with a massive penis. Men are machines in the boardroom. Machines have no feelings. Take him away from the fax machine and if he’s cool, bang him. But generally, office affairs are finite. Unless one of you resigns, of course.
PS: He’s your boss isn’t he? Second guess, he works in HR?

Dear Peas On Toast
What do I do if I’m inundated with work, my chick SMSes me and then I forget to SMS her back? She gets annoyed and then does the whole silent treatment thing for like three days. I can’t win.

Dear I See Through This
Here’s the thing, and I’m just gonna say it. If an oke repeatedly, and I say repeatedly – not just one situation – ignores his chick or takes time to reply to an SMS/ email/ phonecall, she’s going to [rightfully] assume the oke isn’t interested anymore. Men need to hunt or pursue. Chicks need to be pursued. It’s patriarchal old school, but that’s the bottom line. So if she’s being resentful, it means it’s because you always take time to reply. Don’t lie. It’s fairly transparent, china.

Dear Peas On Toast
My boyfriend says he loves me one minute than says he hates me the next. What should I do?

Dear When Love And Hate Collide
Dump his sorry ass. On second thoughts tell him you hate him, then dump his sorry ass.
Or have a final shag, then tell him you hate him, then dump his [sorry] ass. Of course, being a chick, I assume, you’ll first cry about it, wonder what you did wrong, cry some more, give him his favourite jockstrap for Christmas and then when you finally reach the end of your tether, you will say you hate him and actually mean it. I guess.

Dear Peas On Toast
I’m in love with my second cousin. I know this sounds bad, but we haven’t slept together. And he’s only my second cousin. What should I do?

Dear The Family Tree Doesn’t Fork
Seek professional help, as I cannot answer this question. Sorry.
PS: Seriously???

Dear Peas On Toast
I’m trying to find a good ringtone for my phone. What do you have on yours?

Dear Just Download A Song Already
Last year I had Love Generation and was almost killed through the medium of a rolodex by a colleague that sits one desk down. Then I had ‘Druk Die Fokken Knoppie’ which made everyone around me mental. Then I had So Sick Of Love Songs, which induced a vomit reflex. Now I have a ring ring. No one uses that one anymore.

Dear Peas On Toast
I drive a better car than my boyfriend. I think this pisses him off. Would this pose a problem in the future?

Dear Car Troubles
It shouldn’t, but let the dude give yours a go every now and then. If he rides the clutch/revs over 5000 rpms/ takes a corner on one wheel and clips the kerb/ crashes it, then you can stop the privilege.

I went out to a superb Valentines’ Dinner last night in Melville with C, E, E2, N, C4, the whole chick alphabet and three okes. Was splendid. I ate the snapper.


ChewTheCud said...

man you start early ;P Are these all serious e-mails? You need one that starts off "Dear Myself, I'm tired of this shit...."

Joking Pea - but if you ever found a way to make money from this....

How about product endorsement -

Q:"Dear Peas, I'm fucked up like this (etc.)...."
A"Dear fucked up, I use the JackHammer 9000® from Verimark! It makes all my problems go away. Get one now at a store near you." ;P

Peas on Toast said...

As real as the sun Chewy. :)

The Jackhammer 9000? Lol! ;)

Kevin Cadman said...

You should hook up with and run the "Got an embarrassing question you need answered?" column.

It'll be a hit, I'm telling you.

You know, it's a good thing you're not really really popular. Like really. Imagine you had 20 friends.

"Went to dinner with A, A2, C, D, E, F, G, GG, GGG, G4, X, Y, Z, AZ, BB, AK last night. Was fantastic."

That would be a problem.

I think.

Okay bye. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Kev.
I better start making mates to fill up the alphabetical blanks fast.

Pity I just don't have the time. :)

Urk said...

whose name starts with a 'Q', anyway? (besides the dude in james bond)

Quinlan said...

Mine does!

Elle said...

Dear Peas on toast,

Can you please tell me how I can get my Masters supervisor's attention long enough to understand what she's saying... hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Quinlan - :)

Dear Toothpicks To Hold Your Eyes Open (Elle)

I have the same problem at boring press conferences. What I do is this:
1) After repeatedly trying to concentrate, I give up. And dream about sex or something.
2) Write down everything word for word. Even if you don't get it. That way you can learn it parrot-style.
3) Ask her stuff in layman's terms.

Good luck! x

tBerry said...

Morning Peas,
I have a question, or rather, would like some help. On the topic of names, I am having a baby boy in 6 weeks time and haven't quite decided on a name. Theres lots of pressure out there, esp from parents, and it starting to piss me off.
Anyway, got any suggestions? Not so keen on the nouveau names using fruit and stuff.

Elle said...

lol... oh peas you are the best. day dreaming, yes that has become quite commodity in our meetings. After saying out Josh Groban's name in an inappropriate manner a couple of times, I had to resort to codes. :)

kyknoord said...

Dear Peas on Toast
How long is a piece of string?

Peas on Toast said...

Dear Roll Call (tBerry)

According to Time's Most Popular names of 2007 in the USA, Emily, Jacob, Emma and Michael are tops in most states, except Rhode Island whose preferences are Madison and Cooper.

One always need to test names out before one signs the birth certificate. Mike Hunt won't work. For example. Neither will Gaylord Focker.
I've always loved Sebastien and Emile.

Elle - a bit of Josh huh? ;)

Dear Highly Strung (Kykie)

About 1.93 centimetres, according to recent findings in the the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Daedalus said...

Brilliant post Ertjie!
You have a way to make me smile

Hot Pink Flush said...

Screw the interviews Peas, you just found your new career!

Elle said...

a lot of josh ;)

Antoine said...

It is for posts like these that I keep on coming to this Blog.

Great one Peas!!!

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - thanks my sweetheart! As long as it makes you smile. :)

Hot Pink - Goodness me, could I actually contendagainst Dr Ruth?? This is fantastic. :)

Antoine - aw thanks big guy. I aim to please. Most of the time. ;)

DaveRich said...

Aah, good ole Pomegranate, I swap meals with them all the time, I am getting sick of my Thai food. Snapper looked stunning.

morbidangel said...

Peas, I have only recently come acorss your blog....Where have I been?? I now read it on a daily, sometimes checking it hourly to see if you've updated with anything new! It gets me through my boring day. Your blogs also bring me to smile :)
New & Hooked Already

Peas on Toast said...

Daverich - You saw my snapper??

Morbidangel - thanks pum'kin! These compliments make me blush! :)

If any of you like it that much you know what to do right?
You know, click on the little 'Nominate Me' button on the know, if you want. :)

Daedalus said...

I have to confess ... your bushwhacker comment in the post had a grin on my face ... I had one of those things sharing my space b4 ... they kinda make men feel inadequate hahaha
(we cannot vibrate that fast)

MorbidAngel said...

One up on you! Have voted already! Ur blog Rocks! Must, however, let you know that I did cast a vote in for Kevin Cadman aswell - I know the guy and it wouldnt be right not to vote for him. Hope that doesnt rub you up the wrong way? ;) And wow, Im amazed at your incredible speed at replying to comments posted. Its wicked. VOTE PEAS ON TOAST!!!! :D

Peas on Toast said...

Dear Dildospicious (D-Guy)

Have no fear. You're not alone. All the okes I've bedded have been less than enamoured with my Whacker. It's not a size issue, but I think it's just 'cos women can use it whenever they like.
Make friends with it. Most chicks are happy to share the love.

PS: Whackers are great, but they can't be compared to the real thing.

Peas on Toast said...

Morbidnagel - thank you! And awesome for voting for Kevin - he's fantastic. Well done you! :)

Daedalus said...


The "PS" is reassuring LOL ;)

Nah ... In my case I caused my own chaos, as I bought the damn thing for that specific girl as a gift (for the fun of it). The fun subsided when she brought it back to me after 3 days, saying that I have to have a look at it as it is broken...

To my horror I discovered that the batteries were flat. :o

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy: ok let me ask you this. Men have hands right? And they use them. We need toys ;)

Daedalus said...

You have no hands? hehehe

ChewTheCud said...

hands? i prefer to start slow, maybe 1 finger, bump it up to 2 after a while. obviously you people play hard ;P

Peas on Toast said...

OK, let me put it another way.
If one has hands, you can make do right.

I'll be blunt. The cervix and g-spot are inside a women's body. Men have outer anatomy. And putting one's entire hand up there is nothing short of talent.

Dildo's are to women what warm apple pie is to men. Make sense?

Daedalus said...

Warm apple pie?
I'll take two! hehe
No need to explain the female anatomy to me tho... I did intense studies over the years and are rather envious being stuck with only a gear shift myself LOL

Peas on Toast said...

Hmmm, vajayjay envy eh?

One of my ex's was adamant that I had penis envy.

But quite frankly I wouldn't swop my poen for the largest penis on Earth.

ChewTheCud said...

well of course not - cos then you'd be looking for a poen big enough to take it ;P

Peas on Toast said...

I'm sure Jenna Jameson would be a prize candidate?

Daedalus said...

[..] "I wouldn't swop my poen for the largest penis on Earth." [..]

Bwhahahahahahaha!!! Thud! Plonk!

this is what I love about ya Ertjie... pheck ... not many females make me laugh


ChewTheCud said...

ha - you do watch porn! bust! ;P

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - I'm here all week, babe. :)

Chews - It's never been a secret my china - I enjoy a good porn flick every once in a while. High quality porn that is. ;)

Insane Insomniac said...

So I guess you took over the agony aunt column?

Cool. This is going to be interesting.

Daedalus said...

'sept of Saturdays and Sundays and best yet... free LOL

kyknoord said...

Excellent. Good answer.
Hey everybody, you'll never guess how long my schlong is!!!

Daedalus said...

6'inches ?

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, didn't you buy someone a favourite jockstrap for Xmas???

Is this meant to be an advice or self-help column?

Following on from Kyk's previous question: How long is a Chinaman

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - Just for today. :)

D-Guy - Yeah I guess that makes me worse than cheap. I'm free.

Kyk - a sizeable 3 metres?

Rev - no. I bought quite a few underpants though. I have never purchased a jockstrap.

Dear Asian Persuasion

As long as the River Huang, I hear.

GoDsGiMp said...

JESUS! you guys are way to sparkling and witty for the way I feel this morning!

"Dear Pea's I have an ache where my head should be, what was the question?"

So anyway, just so you know, the bestest high quality porn is this movie called, "pirates". So im told at least...

ChewTheCud said...

In that movie "Good Advice" Charlie Sheen's character takes over Denise Richards' character's advice column and starts giving out good advice to people.

This then begs the obvious question - Is Peas really Charlie sheen?


ChewTheCud said...

high quality porn? there's no such thing - believe me! if its out there i probably have it already ;P

Daedalus said...

Ag pops, free but lekker ;)

Revolving Credit said...

No Chews, I think Peas is actually Jenna Jameson!

Kate said...

There's some pretty fun stuff in there - but you're not sharing the real good stuff, surely? what's the weirdest email you ever got from a reader? Any stalkers?

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - Nah Rev's right. I'm Jenna. All the way baby.

D-Guy - thanks sugar. ;)

Kate - I have some pearlers. Perhaps I'll make a post someday of all the 'interested' emails I've recieved. :)

ChewTheCud said...

fisting....largest penis.... jenna jameson... pearls.... ok - you've proved your point ;P you're nasty ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Dear Jenna On Toast

What was the strangest sexual act you have been called on to perform during your illustrious porno career?

Champagne Heathen said...

Dear Peas,
How should one act when meeting for the 1st time that one meets the very recent ex to a man one is highly attracted to?? Would it be polite to rather avoid the person all together? Possibly by hiding behind one's friend who is trying to hide behind you cause she too is in a similar predicament in the same venue.
I'm just asking for a friend and all.

Dear Jenna Jameson,
Just to let you know, my brother tried to call our two new dogs after you.

Revolving Credit said...

Hey Jenna, whats wrong, why so quiet?

Cat got your thong??

Peas on Toast said...

Chews - Calling Jenna Jameson nasty is laughable.

Rev - Dear Just Buy My Movies

The one where eight men take me from behind all at once, and twice in both nostrils.

Champs - Dear I'm Confused By Your First Sentence

Too many split infinitives and third parties. But I digress: I think she she walk up to both of them and say howdy, then dance on the tables. :)

PS: Your brother is a sweetheart. x

Rev - I'm pretending to look busy.

Revolving Credit said...

Are you pretending to write something or are you just pretending not to fall asleep at your desk?

DaveRich said...

okay, I did get the restaurants mixed up so I did not see your Snapper.

other-duke said...

I hear Melville Snapper is delicious

ChewTheCud said...

did you see her snapper when she was dancing on the table perhaps? ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - well, for sonce I'm actually pretty busy...but with freelance work.

daverich - have we met?

O-D - In this part of the world, most definitely. :)

Chew - he might've...;)

ChewTheCud said...

this seems like a pretty famous snapper... why don't you post a picture sometime? ;P

DaveRich said...

Peas, I don't think I have had the honour.
I work in Melville and when you mentioned Snapper I thought of my mate over the road who has had Snapper on his menu for aaages. After some sleuthing and some lunch I found out that Snapper wasnt on the Valentines menu. So I was confused...

ChewTheCud said...

"Snapper wasnt on the Valentines menu".....

lonely night? or was this a "melville" melville thing?

roflmao ;P

DaveRich said...

Not for me it wasn't *sigh*. Not even the option of a take away. Ended up at a bar chatting with the barstaff until the early hours of the morning.

Anonymous said...

I found this blog after typing in something I no longer remember. I used to live down there.

I loved it.

I did not know until now that there were still normal people down there. Its good to see.

Tell me one thing.

Can you go out to a bar at night to have a beer?

Peas on Toast said...

DaveRich - excellent sleuthing. We were all doing the Valentine's snapper ;)

Anon - Dear You Must Leave The House Immediately

You never have to ask permission. In fact you can have two or three beers if you like.


DaveRich said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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