Tuesday, June 12, 2007


It's such a random little country. You never hear newlyweds say, “Gosh, we're so excited. Guess where we're going on honeymoon? (The Maldives?) No. Belgium.”

Images of grey, drizzly weather and the Mannequin Pis – a statue that actually pees – they're original, those Belgians. It's one of those places where the people drive through it as quickly as possible. En route to Amsterdam from Paris, or thereabouts.

Perhaps it's random, because I believe Belgium has a bit of an identity crisis. It's not quite France, and it's not quite Holland or Germany. It's got Middle Child Syndrome. It just doesn't get the same attention as it's neighbouring countries.

I, personally, loved Belgium. I did the place top to bottom in a month, during Spring. It's actually two countries, notsostrictly speaking. The French Wallonie in the south and the Flemish north. Both hate each other. Obviously.
I drank a shitload of beer there – for taste alone, not in a bid to get whoringly drunk, like the reason I imbibe alcohol here. The French side meanders endlessly into the Ardennes forest, with the odd dottings of chateaux, cafés and the purest form of French you've ever heard. The Flemish north is friendly and achingly beautiful, with the architecture of Brugges and Antwerpen quite breathtaking. Where men are men and sheep are scared.

Brussels has a larger, freer red light district than Amsterdam. (Who knew? I found out by mistake, on ogling a woman's ginormous breasts from the train. Jumped off at the next station to get a closer look. Women find noombies fascinating too, FYI).
I got involved by pole dancing there every weekend. With my clothes on. Brussels from the outset, seems like an average European city with nothing much on offer barring a palatial square with gold everywhere. Wrong. Dig deeper, and you'll find whole Arabic districts and adult shops selling 250 types of dildo.

Belgium is so amazingly random at face value. But peel away the layers, and you'll find something most foul. You'll find there's a lot of shit going down.
Let's take paedophilia and Belgium.

Out of ten of the world's most heinous, most wanted paedophiles, EIGHT come from Belgium. This is a country smaller than KwaZulu-Natal.
That's a lot of paedophilia in one tiny area. I read a biography by a girl who, when 12, was locked up in a hole by a notoriously sick fellow for 80 days. And lived to tell the tale.

I stumbled across a Jewish concentration camp in Mechelen. By accident. Everybody talks about Auschwitz until their ears bleed, but nobody knows about Mechelen. A town harbouring every single Jew in Belgium, with real life gas cannisters on display at the museum. I needed a few Leffes after seeing that.

My mother was irate when she heard I'd gone hiking by myself in the Ardennes, with no phone, and a note merely telling my boyfriend, “I've taken a train down south. See you later.”

Mum: Peas, for God's sake, there are child molesters in Belgium!
Peas: I'm 24.

But it's still an interesting thought:
Here's a country that's so incredibly twee, it's like a home industry shop on steroids. Those cakes with inflated packets over them you buy at church fêtes? Belgium in a bag.

Belgium at face value, is known for it's lace. I shit you not.
And beer. And a population that eats a shitload of mussels. And cutesy chocolate truffles, all decorated-like. Read a Biggie Best catalogue, and you'll get the idea.
I mean, we had rabbits running around the hotel gardens. There were warrens all around us. That's how storybook is it. It smacks of Beatrix Potter.

With one little problem though: paedophilia.
Could it be because the country is so perfect? Or more likely, so random?

The BBC: Authorities in Belgium are trying to prevent the circulation of suspected or convicted paedophiles. [A] magazine in Luxembourg is attempting to publish the list of 50 such people, resident in Belgium.
Well spank me and call me Bruce. Holy fuck.

Something's rotten in the state of Belgium. Maybe, too many lace doilies, do, in fact, make people mental.

PS: I don't do lace doilies. But my neighbours do. They're hanging on the line outside.


Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like you're trying your hand at travel writing..for bunny lovers and paedophiles!

kyknoord said...

Sheee-it. That's seven kinds of creepy. I've been suspicious of the place ever since Asterix in Belgium, but now you've confirmed it.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - healthy topic, eh?

Kyk - And they eat lots of waffles.

Third World Ant said...

If you ask me, it's all because of the Mannequin Pis - they grow up idolising a small naked boy who never grows up... makes sense, you know...

Betenoir said...

in a Belgian restaurant. Apparently it's a very flat, boring place that's all moules et frites, beer and sprouts. and chocolate.

I'm quoting the Belgians here.

excellent waffles, though.

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - Perfect! I knew the little peeing bugger contributed to the soaring paedophile statistics! Right on the button sausage, right on the button!

Bete - funnily enough, it isn't boring - but so very random. But yes, the waffles are out of this world!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the steak de cheval (horse meat).

Revolving Credit said...

Ergo, mayonnaise turns people into pediopiles!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - oh yes. Made that mistake in a deli. And ate it.

Rev - Ergo, would you like frites with that? ;)

hot pink flush said...

ok, brb, need to make a quick run to p 'n p. Toaster waffles anyone?

Tom said...

in belgium they call it paedophiles, and make a big fuss out of it, in SA, it is just called (child) rape and nobody gives a toss...

i blame the media for the difference in perception this creates :P

(discosure: i'm belgian)

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - Yes please! :)

Tom - you're right, no doubt about that. I just find it all pretty interesting. And the media has a huge part to play.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, if you're asking if I would like frites with my pediophile, no thanx.

Tom, so you're Belgian, do you like mayonnaise??

Anonymous said...

Interesting post. You learn something new everyday!

Would never imagine that there was anything worth doing in Belguim for more than a day... let alone a month!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - ha ha, you and everybody else!
But rest assured, the place is a hoot. On the surface :)

Revolving Credit said...

You thought Belgium was had, well...

"Bestiality tourism is growing in popularity in Denmark and Norway, as both countries have no laws against sex with animals. Norway is crafting a new Animal Protection Act, but until then, tourists are flocking to the animal bordellos.

Under Norwegian law, such businesses cannot be shut down unless physical harm to the animals can be documented. Lawmakers are debating whether immorality can be made illegal.

Farmers openly advertise their animals on the internet to an international clientel. One farmer was mystified that people would travel so far just for sex with animals, but said tourists claim it's easier to obtain the sex in Denmark than at home.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - now beastiality. I love how this blog descends into the evil pit of depravity every time.

Norwegians shag dogs!

Tom said...

Revolving Credit: of course i like mayonaise. (silly question)

But to qualify that statement i need to add that one cannot find proper mayonaise in SA. Mayonaise should be smooth and creamy, not the watery 'tangy' stuff they sell here.

If you still feel eating mayonaise is weird, ponder for a second the sanity of putting vinegar on fries instead...

Peas on Toast said...

Tom - fair enough. The only mayo I like, and I cringe - is the one from MacDonalds.

My muvva works there.

8Ball said...

There are so many things that Belgium lacks
That they spend most of their time on their backs
Yes it is a riddle
Why they kiddy-fiddle
Perhaps the statue should be given some slacks

Damn, I missed my calling

Peas on Toast said...

8ball - damn, you're good!
You're good you. You. You're good!

hot pink flush said...

Dammit 8Ball!
Give us more!
Must have more!

Peas on Toast said...

8Ball, you're poetry is making me hot. Watcha doin' later stud? ;)

8Ball said...

Ha ha, got a feeling we are going to meet soon enough Peasy, since we know a lot of the same people.. till then, I promise to keep you and pink entertained...


Peas on Toast said...

8Ball - oooh now I'm super curious. :)

Anonymous said...

Curious to know where you got the info from ?

Out of ten of the world's most heinous, most wanted paedophiles

a friend doesn't believe it....


Anonymous said...

Belgium. Must be creepy. I bet they throw political activists out of windows and shoot kids in townships. then bitch about democracy. Must be great to be you.

Hieu Nguyen Ngoc said...

I just loved this post. I too love Belgium and have had many a nice holiday there with the ‘rents as a kid sex camLondon Escorts

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