Friday, September 07, 2007

why though?

Was chatting to my flatmate about romance last night.
Why will the romantic stuff always eventually end in relationships? That's the best part, and it sucks donkey dick to know that all the little gestures people do for each other will fade away because one won't think it's necessary anymore.

And romance, by the way, isn't buying the person tons of shit or proclaiming their undying love from the rooftops. It's little messages, it's making a sandwich for someone and taking them to the park, it's picking the snot from their nose because it's stuck there, it's giving a shit.

Did it all disappear with the fucking digital age? Guys don't phone now, they SMS. It's very few and far between that chicks get flowers and love letters and cheesy crap, unless the bastard has done something wrong. There are the odd few who just do, I guess.
Fuck man, my dad wrote my mother telegraphs when she lived in London:


'Cooks', my mother, still has them stuck in her diary.
These days, it's:
Hi. Nt sure if u rem me. Sukt face at Manhunt l8te Friday. U'r hot. U wanna do sumthing sumtime?

Guys pulling out chairs for chicks and letting them walk through the door first. I know guys who don't do this. And it really turns me off. Just general fucking common courtesy when it comes to manners.
I've had a dude spit on the pavement in front of me, after buying me drink and mentioning something about snacking on my neck later on. Goodbye, Casanova. Not interested, you are revolting.

And oppositely, because its so fucking overboard:
Couples who call each other 'babe' the whole time. What's wrong with 'dude?'

Kidding. But this whole “I love you babe, oh babe, hello babe, babe I love calling you babe, babe.” I've mock charged at many a couples-event. Quietly administering a tactile behind the curtains.

Sometimes nothing makes freaking sense, and now I'm just helluva frustrated.


Anonymous said...

We are still out here, guys that do that...

Peas on Toast said...

Vovs - That's awesome. I know you exist, and have experienced your kind before, but can you sustain it?

The trick is the sistainability of what you do for your chick. Especially after the whole 'honeymooney' phase.

Anonymous said...

So glad that someone feels the same way about this 'babe' thing. Just seems so put on and superficial.

My old man once told me the way to spot the right women is when you open the car door for her , she leans over and unlocks yours. Of course central locking these days kinda screws that theory , but still a cool thought.

Definitely a good few guys out there willing to treat a women like a lady, without a doubt.
They usually the ones that end up just being the friend though.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yeah. The babe thing, not a fan. I call my mates babe, not my boyfriends.

Good theory your dad has there - it does work both ways. And, nope, good guys don't always end up being the friend - that I can promise. ;)

KaBtalk said...

The BIG question here is 'Is Mr 747 a romantic'?

I agree with you re: the loss in romantics! It sucks balls man! But there are some men out there who still treat women like goddesses! And it's not all about opening the door etc but rather the way they look at you, kiss you, speak to you, treat you infront of their friends, look out for you! It's all about the subtle the sandwiches!

My dad is a romantic...he squeezes fresh orange juice for my mom most mornings & cooks her breakies, dinner when she comes home from work! He may not open the car door or buy her flowers but he still shows her that he loves her! Actually, the other night he told me that he doesn't know what he would do without her & that he couldn't live without her! It made me very happy to hear that...the love & romance is still there...there is hope Peas!

My only problem is that I want Mr Darcy & I will not fucking stop till I get him!

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - your dad sound like an absolute delight. Squeezes her fresh orange juice every morning? That is special, bless his little heart!
And yes, you're right - it's not about the average things, but in the little things people do for each other. How they treat you in front of mates, how they look at you - absolutely! Mr 747 treats me well, so I'm not complaining. ;) It's the small things, and just 'looking out' for that person.

And right on with Mark Darcy - still one of my favourites too.

KaBtalk said...

It's good to hear that Mr 747 treats you right, girlfriend!

The newbie in my world is the same...I got horrifically wasted, true Rhodent style, & passed out in the girlie loo (classy I know but at least I had the decency to do it in private). Anyway, 45 minutes passed & he finally found me (after many a phonecall & looking) & put me in my car & drove me home...did not take complete advantage of me even though I was practically begging him to do me in the car...can you imagine...I was a slurring whore! Wonderful...anyway, *PS put me to bed & made sure I was alright! you would say!

So there are lovely men out there...just got to have the patience to find them!

As for my great dad...he's awesome! No other word to describe the man!

KaBtalk said...

Oh...dibs on Darcy!

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - the newbie sounds good! Yay, and am happy for you sunshine.
I think the proof is in the pudding though: after he's hooked you in, will he stop making an effort? Cos for me, the things that get me hooked are the romantic things. When a dude stops doing those things for me, or stops caring about what they mean to me, I start pushing myself away. It's important to nurture the little things I guess - and I hope yours will do that too! xx

boldly benny said...

Hmm very interesting point because it's something I've been thinking about as well.

I remember my last boyfriend used to really make it known what a mission it was to visit me because he lived in Illovo and I lived in Lonehill! Fuck when my friend's mother started dating her father, he used to ride his bicycle from Pietermaritzburg to Durban just to see her for an hour or two and then ride all the way back.

I know there are some wonderfully romantic and caring guys. And on reading Kabs comment and thinking about it, I think the gestures just change or morph over time but the intention of romance, caring and loving is always there.

When my parents first got together my father would write her reems of love letters and do anything to spend time with her. When my parents got married this faded but every morning my father would wake us up with a cup of rooibos tea in bed and my mom would get a cup of herbal tea. He was so attentive he'd make sure she got a different tea every morning so that she never got bored and always had a surprise in her tea cup. I'd even hear him mutter, "No she had berry bliss yesterday, maybe I'll give her lemongrass this morning."

My sister's boyfriend is a real guy's guy, into cars and all things blue. When they got together he found an article about making sushi because he remembered my sister wanted to learn how to make sushi. He cut it out and gave it to her. She said it was the arbest thing but the sweetest thing because he listened to her and remembered what she had told him. She said there are days when the romance feels like its faded but she knows that he absolutely loves her and she is warmed by the little gestures like when he goes to the shop to get cigarettes and surprises her with her favourite sweet. I think it's the small stuff that count ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - wow, your dad is a peach as well! And you're so right - my flatmate said that the romance morphs into other things (I think? Let's hope), as time moves on. So love letters in one week turns to sushi articles or different teas the next. I suppose the beginning stuff is superficial to an extent too.

Why I loved the sushi story is because he listened to what she has obviously said in passing before. And made a mental note and cut it out for her. That's cool.

The thing is, once you've had a really romantic boyfriend before, it's actually a shitty yardstick to have. Those who do the flowers and letters and stuff. So you need to make an effort to find romance in the small things the newbies do for you thereafter.

It's a tough road this dating thing, isn't it?

Ramone Allones said...

concur the babe thing is completely insufferable, as is people who can't keep their hands of each other in front of a crowd, or when you're sitting down for dinner... uuurgh, get a room!

I blame MTV, and Paris Hilton!

ok i'm off to roam, see you laters.

Peas on Toast said...

Ramone - There are some couples who are Value Add, and there are others who shouldn't bother coming to the venue at all. I like affection, and I like holding hands and having a sneaky kiss every now and then, but there are those that just can't bear to stop smooching in public for 5 seconds.

And unfortunately, I know too many couples like that.

duke said...

my girl and me are into our 9th year together (!) and the romance is still just as strong as when we began - so it does happen, I think it just depends on the couple.

Also, it's a two-way street - it's not just about the guy doing all the work. Women have a responsibility for keeping the flame burning too, so maybe if you chicks are just sitting back and hoping the guy will keep the romance going on his own, that's part of the problem.

Peas on Toast said...

duke - no for sure. It's totally a two way street. I agree completely. And nice that you've found that my dear.

crayola dude said...

Ag boobbie...

KaBtalk said...

I like what BB said...nice words!

And I do agree with is a two way thing! Of course! I like to do the romantic things too & make that person feel's like getting a pat on the back or flap in the tummy just seeing them appreciate something you did for them!

I'm so going to do something romantic this weekend...mmm...I did cook a candlelight dinner the other was so a flop I was mortified!

Damnit I have to think & raise the bar...why you post this

The Divine Miss M said...

I have a friend on facebook who's girlfriend leaves him messages constantly all day on his wall

"babes I love you"
"baby you're my angel"
"babes I just wanted to stay you're my baby"

I just want to shoot her and I don't even know her.

As you said Peas, romance isn't about having pet names or buying flowers, it is about genuininly caring about the person, wanting to see them smile, doing small things for them because you know that they love it and just being there for them.

I'm desperately trying to find one of these but keep finding the absolute wankers who make my life a living hell.

SheBee said...

but babe, calling the partner babe, makes them feel special and stuff, babe.



sarah said...

Excellent post Peas, so true. I remember my mom used to have a whole stack of love letters that my dad had written to her on beautiful thin white paper in his best calligraphy. Your post would make a great newpaper column, you should send it off, that bit about the SMS is really funny.

Insano said...

Ah romance. What a kak notion. The word Babes is only used cos no one can think of anything original. I called my ex by his surname which kind of backfired cos when i used his first name, he thought he was in trouble - not often the case!

I think romance is dying because people are so self centred these days, they couldn't really care about thier partner...its just someone you're shagging, after all. Its cold, calous and mean, yet true.

Peas on Toast said...

Craola - boobie? Me?

Kab - something romantic. Well I reckon it could be anything, it's the thought and how creative you can get really. A blanket, wine and a candle at the botanical gardens?

Devine Miss M - errgh. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. If there's one thing worse than 'babe' it's 'babes.' Oh my aching ovary.

As for the wankers out there that don't want to see you smile - fuck 'em. I'm also over the shit of thinking I;'m asking too much when all I need is small, thoughtful things. x

SheBee - Cue tactile over my keyboard. ;)

Sarah- why thanks doll. When I wrote this, I was actually angry. It made me feel rather agitated with the whole thing, but thanks for your kind words!

Insano - true. Originality is where it's all at. My current nickname is 'muchicha.' I rather like it :)
But yes, old school romance seemed to stop in 1980. It pisses me off no end.

SheBee said...

speaking of lame sms romance, i just received this:

'bee, its bn a while since u rokd mi wrld in bed. wanna hook up l8er?'

Be still my beating heart. or not.

tyrone said...

Interesting to see how the notion of romance is changing...

The things we (my generation - 25 to 30) find romantic (like opening car doors, flowers, recipes, etc.) are thoughtful things but should take a little bit of effort.

The next generation are completely wireless and very much keyed into an e-society. To them, a caring sms or an mms is just as romantic as a telegraph was 20 years ago.

Very interesting to see that their understanding of social behaviour and face-to-face communication is so eroded by wirelessness.


The bottom-line with romance in relationships is not taking the other party for granted. That really, in a nutshell, is romance. If you do things that show you listen, care, think, worry, have faith in, etc., they all represent that you're not taking the other half for granted.


BABES - the lot of you!

Peas on Toast said...

Shebee - so, u'r not gagging to be rokd in bed bi sum1 who luvs smsing u kewl mssgs?

Tyrone - so true. It's the taking fro granted thing that happens time and time again. I'm not going to fall for it. Now or ever again.

SheBee said...

yeah... I'll pass.

If he had said 'pls babe' on the other hand...

Big City Life said...

I agree with you that the romance can sometimes die out in a relationship the longer it goes on but on the other hand i dont agree.

I believe that it is all to do with the two people in the relationship. If you both make a small effort then the romance can stay alive for a lifetime. I have seen it is relationships around me for many years. Small gestures that make the entire thing worthwhile.

On the other other hand... i struggle in my own relationship to keep it alive... it all comes down to a concious effort to do the small things which can make your partners day, week or month all that much better.