Was fannying about on t'Internet with IQ tests the other day. The one's with the little eggtimer tick ticking away, so the pressure is on. The problem with standard IQ tests is that they don't make allowances for other measurable intelligences. EQ, Creativity, Insanity, that sort of thing. Especially those inane story sums.
Which go along the lines of, ho hum let's see...: A man is standing in a lift and weighs 200kg, and then he falls 13 floors, and his weight goes up 20kgs, and his momentum remains the same versus gravity...so how many apples is he holding?
The answers are always set in stone, except for e) that says “All of the above.” Which is statistically impossible on these accounts. Shouldn't they have a section where the person can write their own testimonial?
There could be millions of answers based on a million set of criteria!
Crusoe and I battled this out the other day:
Crusoe: Answer: How big are his hands?
Peas: Answer: If the lift fell 20 floors, the dude is no longer holding apples, believe you me.
Crusoe: Answer: I don't know, but guaranteed he'd have an extra 10kgs of shit in his pants.
Peas: Answer: He'd be holding his nutsack, not apples, if we're gonna be honest.
Crusoe: Answer: I don't care, I hate apples.
Peas: I'd go on the offensive. Answer: Tell me, would YOU be holding any apples if you were 200kgs and fell 13 floors in a lift?
Crusoe: Answer: If you were still holding apples by the time the ordeal was over, then I'd vote you, IQ Test Maker, president of the UN.
Peas: Answer: Depends. Are the apples Starking or Golden Delicious?
Crusoe: Answer: How're dem apples?
Peas:...I'd say they're not good by the sounds of things. They're probably apple puree by the time the lift comes to a halt.
Crusoe: Answer: Is he standing on a scale or something? How does he know he suddenly weighs 20kgs heavier?
Peas: Answer: I don't give fanny apples. What I care about is whether he survived the fall.
Crusoe: Answer: By apples, you're meaning giant dicks aren't you?
Peas: Answer: Tell him to let them go and hold onto the light fixture! Quick before it's too late!
Crusoe: Answer: You sick fuckers, what kind of a question is this?
Peas: Answer: You thought you could fool me! But I know that apples really mean bananas!
Crusoe: Answer: What do you mean you [...], your [...] is a baby's arm [holding] an [...]! PS: Don't judge me, it's a disease!
Peas: Huh? You'd really say that? Have you got Taurettes?
Crusoe: Would Taurettes affect my IQ?
Peas: Answer: Are there any apples stuffed down his pants? And is he telling? Because if he has another stash of apples, that he's not giving up for amnesty, this is worth looking into.
Crusoe: It all depends on the relativity between the force of gravity on a falling object of a certain weight and the complete stupidity of this fucking question.
Peas: Answer: Does he play golf?
Crusoe: Answer: NEXT QUESTION MOTHERFUCKER.