option A or option B

So. I've put on my Euro jacket and am mooching around in this bright red trenchcoat, because it makes me feel like the girl I was two or three years ago when I was actually in Europe walking around in this Little Red Riding Hood coat. It makes me feel like...I'm not quite here.

Hey the weather seems to like my coat too. I'm practically in England anyway.

So, in trying to keep my attitude upbeat, and keeping my head above water – the universe will not defeat me – I have come up with some options for myself. Before I throw myself in front of that bus. I have to consider all options right? I have been a busy girl for the last two days. Sorting out legal documentation, career opportunities and other.

Unfortunately, there's a waiting period when it comes to, well, waiting for that “window of opportunity” to fucking open. But it's cool. I'll sit at home and watch Seinfeld and reruns of Home & Away and I have the Internet at my disposal. That's a relief. To my benefit, I also have loving parents, and helpful friends. I'm looking at every silver lining possible for me out there, and because everything seems so fucking helpless and depressing right now, I have to laugh about it. It's really the only defense mechanism I have.

People ask what's crappening and I can't help but dissolve into fits of giggles, (whilst wearing a jolly bright coat), and saying, “Isn't it just the most hilarious turn of events you've ever heard? HAHAHAHA.”

So I have made a few decisions. I'm thinking the Universe always wanted me to make these decisions in some fucked up way, although “why-did-you-have-to-be-so-fucking-brash-about-it-Universe?” And I'm broke. Anyway, silver linings include:

1)I was asked on a date last Monday. The man, a man I know and think is lovely, asked me knowing he was going to wine and dine with a Trainwreck. That's an admirable compliment, isn't it? That has to be a silver lining somewhere – in that even when I'm not all skittles and beer, someone still thinks I'm cool.

2)I have a window of opportunity in this country. One small window. It's actually a big opportunity in a small window of opportunity if that makes sense. If it works out for me, I will stay here gladly, find a reason to feel good about my capabilities, move forward, and throw my life into it with gusto.

3)If it doesn't happen, I'm going to leave. It's time I put on my German/British/Guamese footwear again anyway. So pending on this and that, and it might be in a few months, it might be never, I might leave South Africa and quite possibly never return. But either way, something big will happen for me. I'm banking on it.

4)I can still afford to have long hot baths. At least til the end of the month.

5)People have been so kind and helpful. Again, even when your life is a fucking cliché consisting of disaster after disaster, and you don't want to tempt fate with an “It's OK! Three bad things have happened, so there couldn't possibly be a fourth!” Because although the cliché goes that bad things happen in threes, I've never heard anyone say that bad things DON'T happen in fours. Albeit, thank you to all those friends and people I know who have offered their help. You have no idea how much it means to me.

6)I can start a scarf making business. With all this free time, just think of how much knitting I could get done. It's winter, and scarf demand has gone up considerably. I can make stripy ones, tassled ones, short ones, long ones, thick ones, thin ones, wooley ones.....I'm sure if my friends place orders now, they'll have a fucking fabulous new scarf at cost price for winter. They won't be the stupid scarves you can buy at all the shops – no no – they'll be made with love and industriousness – just how Grandma used to make them. Maybe a few holes and dropped stitches in some places, but that's the price for a genuine one-of-a-kind-scarfy masterpiece. 3RM has already ordered his:

3RM: Any type of scarf?
Peas: Yes, with the exception of fancy designs or whatever. Stripes and yellows are the colours for this season.
3RM: OK, a green and yellow one.
Peas: Brazil? What the fuck for?
3RM: No, the South African rugby colours.
Peas: Oh get out.
3RM: I'd use it at rugby games.
Peas: I might be the sassiest funkiest scarf knitter out there, but knitting you SPORTSWEAR, I mean wtf?
3RM: Fifty bucks, take it or leave it.
Peas: Do I have to make a little Springbok, that's way too fancy.
3RM: No I suppose not.
Peas: Sold.

I'm trying to swim here. I think I'll make it, I've done it before – so many times before. Just not all at once. It's the all-at-once stuff that's the real bugger isn't it.

But I'm capable, and I'm swimming. With the help of great friends and family. And with the help of experience and knowing exactly who I am and exactly what works for me, and what doesn't.