Tuesday, March 04, 2008

wanna know what's really going on?

I'd be lying if I said the past week or two has been easy. For they have in actual fact been hell. It's just been a trying, trying time.

Someone who knows about what happens when you stop drinking, said to me, “I know why you have this anxiety and crap at the moment. After 8 weeks, the shit finally starts to come out.”

It's like the clarity has become to much. And the one thing I cannot deal with or bear right now is anxiety. I am having around 2 to 3 panic/anxiety attacks a day.

This last week has been especially hard, because:
1)My relationship with my father, well I love him, he's my dad I'll do anything for him if he needs me, but I just can't be close to him right now. In fact, we are not in contact at the moment. I don't think I've ever been close to him, actually. It's heartbreaking, and hopefully after we both sort our shit out, we can try the bonding thing again.

2)My mother doesn't understand why I can't be close to my dad.

3)747 has been away a lot lately, and very stressed at work, and it's been quite hard. I have missed him.

4)I am having salary issues (late payment). Stop orders have flung me into the negative. Because someone at the top forgot to pay us. Again.

5)That's why I'm frigging just about to crack. Oh wait, I did. I screamed at work yesterday to the point where passers-by in the passage turned to stare, not to mention the attendees in the office itself. I properly lost my rag. Who knew I had such a BOOMING voice? Impressive. So let's assume, safely, that this 'salary stuff' will become a priority from now on.

I am a natural worry wart. That's normal, but this newfound anxiety has been quite debilitating. I had three drinks on Friday– as promised - at my mate's birthday party.

It went like this:

1 x white wine (what the fuck was I thinking)
1 x celery juice
1 x white wine (christ woman, not again)
1 x celery juice
1 x bubbly stuff that I presume to be a champagne of sorts (....)
1 x celery juice.

Maybe one more glass of wine. But the jury is still out.

I'm quite chuffed. I mean I stuck to my guns, and sure, I felt a little not-quite-completely-sober after that, and I certainly hobbled to my car, almost breaking an ankle, but whatever. Oh and I indulged in one of those stupid shit-talking philosophical conversations one tends to have after a few toots, which made about as much sense as algorithm coding, and I also found most of the jokes going around to be really funny. It's amazing how alcohol makes you do such predictable things. But! I certainly didn't go hammer and tongs, and politely declined the shooters going around. Ha!

I think my liver thought I'd booked it a ticket to fucken Malibu, when in fact it was clearly on its way to Newcastle.

But it must be said that I was on tranquilisers the whole time.
After tears and angst this and last week, including some untimely attacks where I thought I might possibly die, I have been swallowing many a tranquiliser. Panic attacks consume you, they are fuccccked uppppp.

Where have they been all my life?
It must be said that the insert does state that these particular tranqs aren't addictive, don't have they any side affects like drowsiness, nausea or the feeling of being stupendously high the whole time. Not that I'd give a shit. Because I'm going to be taking Biral for as long as I live. Suddenly you're not in a fucking panic! Biral speaks sense, it shuts the world up, it just makes me not overreact and not panic as a result of my thoughts.

Everyone say “Hi Biral,”, to my new guardian angel. Despite a few fine motor-coordination effects, (like dropping a few things?) they don't do anything except help my mind to rest a helluva lot more when I should be almost in tears. To stop thinking and spiraling into this fucking abyss of self-doubt and chaotic angst at least 4 times a day, it does it's best to affront this. It just.....smoothed the rough edges.

I'm hoping today will be yards better than yesterday. Last night Ant was in town and popped in for dinner. Again, hell I miss that girl, if only Sepoenda wasn't so far away.


Anonymous said...

You might not want to give up "...spiraling into this fucking abyss of self-doubt and chaotic angst..." just yet. It's good exercise and cheaper than the gym.

Anonymous said...

You need a shrink and rehab. Either order makes no difference!

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - it also leaves me half dead and exhausted. So yeah, you're right, just like gym, except scarier. ;)

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

dude. ignore anonymous.

there's nothing extremely wrong with some anxiety and stress. they're what keep us motivated....it also keeps us from backsliding into bad situations we've just come out of.

so keep up with the bidals if you feel you need them.

there's nothing wrong with having a little crutch to lean on.

Peas on Toast said...

Rehab? For what? Having three glasses of wine?

Jesus Christ.

Peas on Toast said...

Thrills - thanks dude. The only thing I can say I am addicted to right now are cigarettes. Not booze, and not NON-ADDICTIVE tranquilisers. Fuck people can be so fucking insensitive.

(Well people as in anonymous spambot thing).

Anonymous said...

Addicts are always in denial. 3 glasses now...4 tomorrow...then back on the wagon. According to your self confessed history, you were perpetually pissed and occasionally hurling all over the show. Wonderful!

Peas on Toast said...

That's interesting. You obviously haven't been reading over the last two months. When I clearly stated I'd never be a big boozer again, and I certainly won't "jumping on the wagon" as you so say. Alcohol simply doesn't work for me anymore and my large party days are definitely over.
I don't crave it, I don't even like it. I'll have a few drinks when there's something to celebrate - like Friday. Although I can justify this as much as I want, and you'll still jump on your high horse and pretend to think you ACTUALLY know me.

Peas on Toast said...

PS: I never hurl.

Anonymous said...

"Thrills - thanks dude. The only thing I can say I am addicted to right now are cigarettes. Not booze, and not NON-ADDICTIVE tranquilisers. Fuck people can be so fucking insensitive.

(Well people as in anonymous spambot thing)."

ROTFL!! NON-ADDICTIVE? Yeah...keep taking the 'non-addictive' stuff and you'll find out just how insidious the drugs really are!
Insensitive? Aw gee...did we hurt the widdle baby's feelings? Shame!

Peas on Toast said...

Nope you didn't hurt my feelings dude. But I amazed at what you perceive everything to be, when you clearly don't know what's going on. Life has been tough lately, and it has nothing to do with alcohol, but rather things going on in my life. Why the need to be rude is really beyond me.

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

Anonymous - are you the same anony-poes from the other day?

it's easy to be judgmental from a distance, isn't it? anonymous judging is in fact, the easiest.

shame. poor loser. poor insensitive fucking spam-bot-loser-geeky-turd.

do you have nothing better to do?


Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

"Addicts are always in denial. 3 glasses now...4 tomorrow...then back on the wagon. According to your self confessed history, you were perpetually pissed and occasionally hurling all over the show. Wonderful!"

-- speaking from personal experience, anonymous?
perhaps tis short for 'Anonymous Alcoholic'?

Peas on Toast said...

That's a good point. Shame Anonymous, you do seem to know a lot about denial and drinking, perhaps you've been there before? Or in some way you've experienced this? Talk to us, we're only a screen.

Sunrise said...

Jepers Creepers Peas, Snap. I feel like a dry sponge!

2)Sold second biz (conflict of interest with new biz)
3)Dealing with builders that are renovating my new house, builders are the new pirates of this world.
4)GF is driving me nuts at the mo, as she tells me what I should do with the house every 2 seconds.
5)Old man issue's, Fuck I could fill a psyc lecture hall with these issues.

"This too shall pass" is my mantra I repeat whilst rubbing my ear lobes...let it be the same for you.

We all deal with our allotment of shite, its how you let it affect you.

Peas on Toast said...

Sunrise - shame m'dear, that's a lot of crap! It puts mine in perspective, definitely. And it really doesn't rain it pours hey - so many people I know are going through seriously stressful times, with so much shit dumped on their shoulders at once. And you're right, it's how you deal with it. "This too shall pass" is a good mantra, and I've also been using the effective "progress not perfection" and just trying to stay in the moment.

It's the Ides of March *sigh*. I hope it all works out for you! x

Anonymous said...

Isn't this a more stimulating start to the day, instead of basking in the sycophantic glow, radiated by fawning wannabees?

There is nothing like a good 'prod' to get the brain buzzing!

And oh...I am not so anonymous to you really. Examine your office carefully...I do pass you quite a few times daily! (Cut the prima dona stuff please.)LOL.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah well, whether you pass me a few times a day or not, that's pretty irrelevant to me.

Prod all you like. It's a free space.

swandive said...

All I can say is fuck Anonymous and god (who if existing has got A LOT to answer for) bless Biral.

And anyway, I think anyone who claims sanity in the world we live in has got *real* problems.

Sunrise said...

Thanks, but I dont need pity. Its all part of seeing this through, so that we can appreciate lifes other little victories.

Here's a qoute for Anon (you brave tosser for letting everyone know who you are!): "It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." You are clearly trying hard to be clever, although stupid suits you better!

Peas on Toast said...

Swandive - yeah bless Biral indeed! It's really helped me to think beyond the panic. x

Sunrise - ha ha :)Make no mistake I don't pity you, but I do think you're being awfully brave and level-headed about it all, and that deserves some back patting. Hey and they say we grow through misery notsomuch happiness, so here's to us growing. A lot. x

AKA said...

I love the way you ass-goblins bitch people out for using an anon ID. Are your real names "expensive mistakes" and "sunrise"? God you people are sycophantic retards.

Post your real names and I'll post mine.

Peas on Toast said...

aka - you really do love the word sycophantic.

Names aren't that important to me, but do indulge us as to why you know so much about denial and addictions, you seem awfully bitter about the whole thing. Which raises some interesting conclusions.

KaB said...

Jaysus, I need a Biral after reading all the hate comments exploding off of this here screen!

I just don't get why people have to be so fugly to one another!Honestly, let's leave the silly talk for those blog party shindigs where you can have a face-to-face/ one-on-one bout...at least that way it will be more entertaining for us folk on the sidelines, eh?!?

Peas - I hope that you feel better & that things improve...with or without the tranqs!

AKAa said...

I'm not the anon guy, Laurien. I just see people writing comments under their fake blog names bitching people out for using anon as a fake blog name.

And the person is telling you to get help and stop medicating your problems. Why are you turning it back on them? I don't see interesting conclusions, I see people who can't take constructive criticism and who HATE opposing points of view.

zoutpiel said...

Anony-poes. Yes I like. I'll just call you poes for short.

So poes, you see the underlined 'names' in bold: that's a link to where you can find more about each one of these posters. Most will have a link to email them or whatever. It's not smart to leave your real name all over the internet. You however - you are just a random who seems to have some sort of obsession with Peas' perceived failings, or peas in general. It's very overused but entirely appropriate: poes, get a life.

Now, this blog is about peas, her life - personal ramblings that she shares with the world. This blog is popular (IMHO) because she is so open and honest. And she writes well. Now poes, if you think about it - that is an extremely brave thing to do (it's her catharsis, she doesn't do it to be 'brave') but she's letting it all hang out there, and then discusses her ramblings with people and others may learn things from it, or she may learn things from them. It's a little value-adding community. You on the otherhand are just one of the billions of nitwits on the internet who lob annoying comments onto blogs, youtube, whatever for the sake of argument. you add no value.

Now going through a heavy drinking stage some time in your twenties - pulease! who doesn't - it's fun, it happens to most. Doesn't mean you're an alkie. The realisation that alcohol or whatever mind-numbing drugs are non-productive, damaging etc is smart and something many 20-somethings dont realise until they're thirty-somethings.

Now, poes, I don't intend to get in a slanging match with you because this is what you want. Please go away.

Champagne Heathen said...

I'll agree with "Anon" on the shrink recommendation. But then again, I'm all for paying someone loads of my cash for a few hours of talking all about me! :) And well, no, I also kinda believe if they are the right person, they can do wonders for making one improve your own life & live it fully.

But then Peas has already written up here that she's visited the old "Talking Lady" before. If this was a constructive conversation, rather than everyone shooting everyone else down, maybe we should ask: Does one bout of a shrink give you the skills for ever? Or should we allow ourselves to visit a shrink when our current skills might not just be kicking into gear? (I think I just lead a question)

It is tough to ask though - cause, as Peas has pointed out, us readers do not know all, we probably barely even know a glimpse of what the proper issues of this situation are.

Also, to keep this constructive - when is it an addiction? http://www.aanonymous.org.za/

From my understanding, it is when a substance is having a heavy negative impact on your work and your social life.

Peas on Toast said...

akaa - it's Laurian. Not Laurien. And I do appreciate other points of view, which is the reason I blog in the first place. And I agree about the shrink, which is why I am now going. I don't agree about the rehab on any level whatsoever.

zoutpiel - thank you, I really appreciate that. xx

Champs - Yeah I think an addiction is a number of things ranging from complete reliance, something that is out of your control, not being able to function without it, a huge impact on your social and working life, etc etc. From what I understand anyway.

Betenoir said...

keep it up, hon! push through the panic attacks, and hopefully you'll start to enjoy them?

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - thanks girl :) Nah I doubt I'd ever enjoy them per se, but I'm handling them one panic at a time :)

Jam said...

Hi Anonymous (or is that now AKA?)
I think you're jumping to some pretty radical conclusions here. While it may be true that the lovely Peas needs to talk to someone about her life and issues, she is most certainly not an addict. She spent two months not drinking, and in that time, she was pleasant and lovely and happy. Addicts generally struggle when giving up their substance of choice, but Madam Peas didn't even bat and eyelash. Addicts generally get grumpy withdrawals, especially alcoholics. Peas did none of this. The fact that she's having a tough time at the moment can not be attributed to what you call her "substance abuse", it's just life. And life is tough. It takes courage to own up to the fact that we have issues and let's face it, most people never do. At least she is brave enough to acknowledge that life is not easy, to understand where she's at. Are you perhaps the one who is denial since you feel some kind of urge to project randomly here in the blogosphere?
Incidentally, I work in the same building...who am I?? And for that matter, who are you? You sound a little stalkerish actually.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I must say, you have been the most awesome friend to me over the past few months babe. Sharing stuff with you day-to-day over our regular coffee breaks has been so fantastic. And having you know exactly what I am all about with your understanding has been phenomenal, I really can't thank you enough. Also with regards to both of us feeling the positive effects of non-drinking together has been a really eye-opening journey. xxx

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - thanks so much dollface. Yeah mudslinging in the blogosphere is always a strange entity, given they seem to know so much about your life, and you don't know much about theirs.

Either way, I'll get through this with the right help and advice, and I have never been so close to sorting out my hang ups as I have now, which is a rite of passage I think :)

Thanks for your kind words babe. xx

Max said...

jeeeesoooooz pea pod what the hell have i got my self in for?? 4 days off the grog and i am eating all the pies and pissing like a trooper how many lime/sodas do you have to glug down before you have flooded your innereds and actually feel a bit tipsy???

Was worried about you yesterday china, been a wee while since oyu missed a day posting!!

You know what i have been through and you know what i think... Zoloft is the way forward... its the anti-anxiety anti depressant and it really has changed my life.

As a fellow sufferer of panic attacks and Biral addict (impossible)i am a completely diff person because of some therapy and my Boyfriend Zoloft... seriously Pea pod... I smaak you stukkend and would not lie.

As i have said to someone else very close to me, you dont have to go through this alone and you need to realise it is not you and it can be helped and stopped!

Hang in there china

love you long time xxx

Peas on Toast said...

Max - Hi babe, sorry I was MIA the other night :(, and congrats heartily to you on getting into Sobriety Club! It's tough in the beginning there's no doubt - not because you feel like death, but because it's something you got to get used to in a social environment. Suddenly there are no barriers etc, and you'll see people on a whole new level. This clarity can be disconcerting - but I promise and guarantee it gets better. What helped is not going to every party I was asked out to, but rather being more exclusive with whom I spent my time. It gets better babe, I promise. Are you off the poison for detox? What made you decide to do it?

As for Biral, so you know right? It really helps innit? Thanks so much for your support babe, I so appreciate it. I think I'll be ok without Zoloft at this stage, what I really need is some professional advice, which is my current port of call. :)

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

"I love the way you ass-goblins bitch people out for using an anon ID. Are your real names "expensive mistakes" and "sunrise"? God you people are sycophantic retards.

Post your real names and I'll post mine."

AKA - that's a bit like saying "show me your willy, and i'll show you mine"

it's all going to end in tears.

zoutpiel: i like the way you caught on to anony-poes.

oh. and by the way AKA, Thrills is my real name, sucker.

now go munch ass somewhere else.

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

ps: AKA - you're the sychophantic retard. retard.

(it's fun stooping to this level, I wont lie)

Insane Insomniac said...

Wow, two words and the comments turn into a shit-storm.
I can completely understand where you're coming from Peas..the whole tranquilizer thing. Personally I'm a fan of Codeine and Ibuprofen knocked back with a double vodka and Red Bull. Makes the world seem a saner place during a double shift of Chav Day.
BTW - Check out The Killers feat Lou Reed...Tranquilize. Great Tune!

Alya said...

Well, I must say the comments r much more controversial than the post itself!

We all get our fair share of panics and meltdowns and whatnot, the only thing is, YOU are the only one who can pull yourself together, not anyone else, and certainly not pills and drinks.

The pills may help for a while, and I'm not saying u shouldnt use them, most likely u should, but in the end a change in lifestyle and in your attitude is the best thing.

Good luck! Oh and exercise. It takes ur mind off things, and makes u more fit!

Peas on Toast said...

Insomniac - hahaha, well that concoction would be the end of me my girl :) No doubt about that! xx

Alya - Of course, most definitely it is only up to the person to sort themselves out. 100%. Which is what I'm pretty much doing, and on exercise - yeah I've just got back on my bike and feel much better for it. On my anti-anxiety pills, they are helping me. Medication shouldn't be knocked if it helps someone, should it?

Lopz said...

"Well, I must say the comments r much more controversial than the post itself!"

Alya, you couldn't have been more bang on the money if you tried.

Peas, props to you for taking steps to sorting out your issues. I don't understand the point of the haters, except to say perhaps they just have a fascination with bringing down people who are already down, and what does that say about them? If you work with this person, I hope you find out who it is and stay away. They definitely sound like a waste of space.

Tam said...

Hi Peas, sorry to hear you feeling this way (that anon insect doesn't help). I relate to a lot of what you have said. Here are things that have helped me.

Tissue salts Mag phos and Kali phos. help with the stress and panic, (and stress headaches) Monitor if you need an antidepressant, it has definitely helped me.

Exercise beats alcohol 3 to 1. Booze is a downer, excerise gives a natural high and you get rid of the fight and flight stress zooming thro your body. It gives you "me time" as well.

I had a huge problem with my dad and last year I finally got a break thro - he is who he is - he's never going to change that, try and accept that and you might find you can relate to him easier.

Do you know the law of attraction?

Anonymous said...

don't feed the trolls... they return to their rocks if you ignore them.

and congrats on a night of planned moderation - important step. does exercise help? for me, a long run (more like a 'deathmarch jog') clears my head, and changes the way i think...

Peas on Toast said...

Lopz - hell yeah. I didn't expect THIS kind of response, that's for fucking certain :)
Thanks guy. And it isn't anybody in my office. I know the people - and few they are - that work with me through and through and they wouldn't say something like this to me ever. Whether he's in my building, I wouldn't know, but I doubt that too. xx

Tam - glad you came through with your dad babe. Yes, I'm hoping we'll get there eventually, it's just gonna take some time. Definitely.

daisyfae - thanks m'dear. :) Yip apparently exercise does help, it's meant to make you happier somehow, although I find it just helps relieve a lot of stress.

Anonymous said...


Not sure if you will get this comment after the day is over but here is a link to an article in today's UK Times that you may find useful.


There is a lot of debate going on in the UK at the moment about depression and the use of pills etc so though you may be able to get some insights from this.

Hopefully it'll help to steer you in the direction that'll work best for you.

Hope you feel a bit better soon.


Anonymous said...

"Thanks guy. And it isn't anybody in my office. I know the people - and few they are - that work with me through and through and they wouldn't say something like this to me ever. Whether he's in my building, I wouldn't know, but I doubt that too. xx"

You are spot on. It was merely a red herring. I wanted to see your reaction. IMO, you handled it well.

I thought that the comments were bland and decided to spice up the works, with a little bit of shit stirring.

It certainly got everyone's juices going and made for a slightly different day's postings. At least, there were plenty of positives to be taken from them!

It's commendable that you are sincerely attempting to refrain from excessive drinking. If you are able to successfully control your intake...great.

As for 'panic attacks.' Analyse the cause and simply STOP allowing that, or those things to be part of your daily life.

I wish you well!

Gum said...

Hi Peas,

As a anxiety sufferer myself, i find that it helps to understand that a large portion of the population are going through what we are. At times, the anxiety feels so intense and unique...and we feel so distant from ourselves... but it is comforting to know that we are not in it alone. At the sae time...its sad...as i wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy.
Just remember...stats show that anxiety sufferer's are succesful people...perhaps too over-analytical for our own good...

There's light at the end of the tunnel...