Monday, October 06, 2008

dentist porn

On Friday, I had one mission.

And that was to dance like a mothertrucker.

Nightclubs used to be pick up spots for me, but what a tiresome hobby that shit seemed after a long week. Now a night club is more like my own gym.

I can go there and dance off all the fucking pies I've been smashing in my face.

I caught up with everyone at Rose Boys after work, and ended up doing the Charleston on the table.

Klo and I were particularly fond of the concrete table vibe. Found a hat and E's sunglasses and kind of thrashed around while others attended to their cosmopolitans and I later made love to a burger.

Don't ask.

Not done, Ches and I caught a Safe Cab to Movida.
And proceeded to spend the next 5 hours practicing and wowing the crowds with our hip hop moves. (Which we haven't yet learnt, but wha-ever.)

'The Retarded Monkey' was going down a treat, thank you very much.

Some dude in a wifebeater even undressed me with his eyes.
Although that was admittedly creepy.

I stood on the stairs and just danced and danced, and then Safe Cabbed it back home like a good girl at 3:00am.

Sunday, I taught my French grandparents what The Internet was.

They're up from Cape Town and mum wants them to get a computer and do email, and learn how to search on Google.

They're still at the equivalent technological level of, say, a bag full of yaks.

My grandfather calls CDs, D Cs.
And my grandmother thought the cursor was a fly stuck in the screen.

It's quite a challenge explaining what the Internet is to people who think that a cellphone takes penlight batteries. No seriously.

Grandmere: 'Peas, do you have to use Duracell in that whatsitcalled, a Blueberry?' (No, not since 1984, dude)

I basically explained that The Internet is the same as a telephone system.

Peas: 'If the phone isn't plugged into the wall Grandmere, it isn't connected to any other telephones is it?'

Grandmere: No but Peas. You get phones that are cordless now, you know.

Peas: No seriously?
OK OK. Phones are connected by an INVISIBLE CORD to all the other phones in the world, hence how you phone, say, Canada see?
The Internet works like that. You can get hold of other people's computers.'

Grandmere: Right...but what is this Googles everyone speaks of?

Peas:......Yellow Pages. Except on a screen.

If you want a dentist, say. Type in 'dentist' into that little bar and look! Eighty million dentists you can choose from! Hang on...is that DENTIST PORN?

Grandmere: Putain merde.

Peas: “Quick, type in 'French Military Victories', and click I'm Feeling Lucky.

It'll say Did you mean French Military Defeats?
Hysterical.”

But Grandmere didn't find it that funny.

PS: I'm loving The Special Brelgian. I chatted to him on Skype yesterday for 5 hours, yakes, I only realised this afterwards as I went to bed. He's also started a blog. Bless.

14 comments:

Sadie said...

I read his blog. Now I feel like a dirty voyer on your new friendship. Especially since I know he's seen your boobs.

Peas on Toast said...

Sadie - hahahah :)

Hilarious! I'm not sure if he remembers seeing my boobs, truth be told. We'd had SO much ouzo.

hahaha

Nessers said...

I read his blog too - even wished him well - best he be nice to our Peas or we will boycot his blog hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - ah bless, thanks dollface. I'm glad you've got my back ;)

Elle said...

that's awesome... I can imagine if I had to teach my gran mama the internet she would probably ask me if there was a little person inside the computer. How Zooland is that?

how you been peas??... so bummed I couldn't give you a holla when I was in "almost jo'burg"

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - how you little lady! So you didn't make it to JHB in the end?? Bummer dude, how come?

Yip teaching my granfolks was a challenge, but I must say they rather liked Google Earth! And they caught the vibe behind how that works.

My grandfather wants a MacBook. He said it looked cool and trendy. Just couldn't imagine him walking around his old age home with one of those though!

Elle said...

Ya things got a bit hectic we had to rush back for other academic appiontments.. the life of an academic... now I am looking for a job in the Jozi area ( wish me luck)... I will be done with by masters lastest end of Nov so keep them fingers crossed.

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - ag shame babe! Definitely holding thumbs, and with your qualifications and hard work I have no doubt you're going to get snapped up in the job market!
JHB isn't all bad, in fact this place is rather fun. ;)

Elle said...

well lets hope all them potential employers are reading and are busy googling moi so they can find my contact and snap me up as you say ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Good luck punk, let me know how the job hunt goes! x

Ches said...

squirrel squirrel, shadow shadow

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - I'm waiting...waiting, shadow shadow...that cab driver must've thought we were a prize bunch of weirdo's babe. hahaha

Luc(ifer) said...

I had the pleasure of teach my brother what facebook is, how to upload a photo etc. He's in his early 30s and runs a pretty big company. Slightly worrying he can't work out FB....

Peas on Toast said...

Lucifer - My mum is still working out how to SMS me. I get blank texts from her all the time :)