Tuesday, January 20, 2009

4am dodgy stomach ailments

Went on a team dinner last night.

One doesn’t expect to be talking back, sack and crack at such events, but I think it’s fair to say that at least some of these topics were broached in one way or another, thanks to our firm friend Haute Cabriere and a wonderful little something called a 'Lemongrass & Litchi Royale.'

Anyway interestingly, one of my colleagues had the unfortunate experience of having a python on the loose in a house she rented somewhere.

His name was Magnus.

Think about that for a second: a python. On the loose. In a constricted area. In which you sleep and bathe. Openly naked. And his name is Magnus.

They found him under the laundry pile days later.

Then another dude piped up: "That’s nothing."

"My mate had a pet python, and when he died, he froze him."


OK. Why.

"For the skin, I guess. But that’s not all. He took him out the freezer one day and swung him around and concussed his friend by hitting him on the head by accident."

With a frozen python.

‘Sorry, yeah, I got concussed, because my mate was swinging around this frozen constrictor, and it whacked me on the head. Not a falling anvil, not dodgeball, a frozen snake.’

Loved that. Anyway.

My piano is in full swing. I got the puppy tuned and belted out that first sonata I’ve been gagging to play since I realised I’d purchased the thing by accident online.

The tuner was this old geezer who didn’t sport much of a sense of humour.

Peas: You’ve arrived! Like a fallen…tuner god guy! You’re here to tune my instrument of joy!

Tuner dude: [deadpan] Excuse me?

Peas: The piano, let me show you ze piano oh righteous herculean hubris of tone!

Tuner dude: Is this a prank?

Peas: Seriously. Can you fix him?

Tuner dude: [looking increasingly haggled and thinking aloud as to his pending retirement in San Lameer] ‘Where’d you get this?’

Peas: Funny story actually. On the Internet.

Tuner dude: Right.

Peas: Take a look under his bonnet and tell me whether I’ve been had. And if I should just whack him back online.

Tuner dude: ‘Him?’

Peas: Oh sorry yes. His name is Leonard; I refer to the machine of instrumental utopia as Leonard. [Said ‘Lennard’]. I name inanimate objects. It’s cool if you think I’m weird.

Tuner dude: Right. OK, give me…3 hours. With…Leonard.

And now, we’re going to paint Leonard all sorts of funky colours and shit.
Oh and I’ve volunteered to join a band.

Perhaps I did have one too many glasses of fermented fruit of the vine, but whatever, Leonard is now the success story he never was.
Everyone thinks he’s haunted because he came from a dead man’s estate.


At 4am I woke up from a ripping pain down my left side, and also because I was dreaming that my house was in the process of being robbed.

So I was terrified and also thought I had appendicitis.
Was almost in the process of pulling on my jeans and driving myself to hospital, but then it went away.



Anonymous said...

Hiya Peas,

I had fake appendicitus once; it was just a really bad stitch. worse day of my life: I thought I would die in a day (because that's what I had heard)...well, apparently it's two to three days before the bile completely eats you up... anyway.

Python stories are like... um, WOAH don't think I'd be able to sit through them; my imagination is a little too wild.

Leonard sounds cool LOL Great investment (no matter how dodgy the story is) :D

Have a good one,

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Paula!

Ok hang on a sec: well, apparently it's two to three days before the bile completely eats you up... please explain...that's not going to happen to me right?
It doesn't sound completely ideal.

And yes am starting to love Leonard. :)

Anonymous said...

Hollaback Peas,

Yup; you can die for apendicitus (weird; from a now useless part of your body)... Well, the story is in the past we used to eat our meat raw and the bile from out apendix (vergewe my spelling) would be then useful to breaking down the meat; yadayada.

Well; because we now cook meat; the use of the bile is useless- when your apendics bursts it releases that bile and besically breaks down your insides as... it would have the meat.

That's how it kills you; if ever you go to an emergency room and say you're scared your appendix burst the doctor will be quick to help you so that they can "clean" up as much bile as possible or... remove your apendix completely. Thats why it's always recommended you take it out if you can as quick as possible because you don't need it (1) and it could kill you (2).

Don't say I never taught you anything :D


mylifescape said...

ha, brilliant! Growing up we had a car called Madonna... it was kind of rusted and patched, and my mother said, it looked like a slut.... hahaa... still name inanimate objects too! how creative one can be!

Peas on Toast said...

Pauls - yowza. Hectic! I'm off to down 8000 gallons of water to clean my insides out!!

mylifescape - Madonna, awesome! Fifty years later is she still going??
My car is called Ludwig because he's German :)

mylifescape said...

haha... what a good german name! no.. sadly Madge didn't make it to highschool days... my mother dropped us on the corner as we got older, coz we didn't want to be seen in madonna! she was cheap and nasty! lol.. i'm still a fan tho... like a virgin ;)

kyknoord said...

Zounds! Perhaps you have inadvertently discovered a cure for appendicitis!

Revolving Credit said...

So how much did the old guy charge you to tjune Leonard?

Maybe the pain in your side is from laying in that gap where your wallet used to be?

PS. 2nd snake post in a row? Need to find some Freudian interpretation.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Or...it was a false alarm. That sheister appendix of mine.

Rev - what happens if I talk about bananas tomorrow? Or snakes and bananas? And stuff? ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm still on the floor over the frozen snake....with friends like those...

Peas on Toast said...

dolce - I know! THANK GOD someone else also found it as hysterical as I did. Have you ever??

('Once I got knocked out. Oh really, what cricket? No, a frozen snake.')


po said...

Oh you know, we all have frozen pythons in our freezers, they make good weapons.


Peas on Toast said...

po - ooooh! tell me more! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

PS: Congrats Po! I saw your blog feaytured in Cosmo this month, nice one! :)