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What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On. In. This. World.
Fuck.

So The Dove and I are flying KLM to Europe right. I get this frigging email yesterday from the company:

From: Anne-Marie Von Bijersgracht [annemarie@royaldutchairlines.nl]
Date: 2009/3/31
Subject: Re: KLM States-General Compliance
To: Peas On Toast [peasontoast@gmail.com]
Cc: Gerhard Nijhuis-CEO-KLM [nijhuis@royaldutchairlines.nl]

Dear Miss O’Toast,

We trust that your experience with Royal Dutch Airlines has been sufficient.

As a result of overbooking, and due to compliance to the States-General Benefits Code (Sect.102, 2008) of the government of the Netherlands, it is in our interest to require from you a statement proving whether you are of historically disadvantaged descent.

This must be completed in order to secure your seat booking. We at Royal Dutch Airlines believe in empowering individuals from Africa, and in line with South Africa’s Black Economic Empowerment legislation, have been in partnership with your government (BEE Act 2003; Code 200 Management & Control) so that in the infrequent occurrence where overbookings occur, we deliver seats to those who;

1) Are from previously disadvantaged backgrounds
2) Comply with the procured groups specifically targeted for this Act

Please fill in and submit the following e-form, along with a certified copy of your identity document, as soon as possible.

1) Of which ethnic group do you belong: _Black _Chinese_Indian_Coloured_None of the above
2) Of which economic LSM do you belong: _1-3_3-5_None of the above
3) How often do you travel abroad? _Never _Once_ None of the above
4) How much do you weigh (kgs)? _50_60_None of the above

Please note that if you checked ‘None of the above’ in any which question, you are no longer enlisted to fly via KLM on this particular flight. We are not liable for reimbursement of funds. Please review our Terms & Conditions if you have further queries.

However, do check our site for further specials, and feel free to book another flight, or if you’re otherwise interested in purchasing a KLM Frequent Flyer card in line with our April specials, for a once-off offer of €599.99!

Reliability in flying,

Anne-Marie Von Bijersgracht
Logistics Manager (EMEA)
+ 31 (0) 1-701-420-6282

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Happy April Fool’s Day, infidels.

Did it work? Were you had? Did you care? Didn’t think so.

FAIL.

But wait! Whether I tricked you or not, that is not part of ze greater plan. Wait until The Dove, who is flying with me, gets this in her inbox this morning.

[cue right: imposing castle, evil gleeful glint in the eye, resounding crash of thunder and lightning strike, pinkie finger at the corner of the mouth, Jack Nicholson in The Shining cackle]

It’s all been calibrated to perfection. Involving a fake email address, ‘cc’ing to the CEO’ and other obligatory logo-gathering admin.
Not much is more fun than a prank, save smoked salmon, good sex and Tokyo, so it is with wine-glass-in-bath I anticipated today with much enthusiasm. Face it: it’s so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.

And I think it would be quite funny if I follow it up with a phonecall. (‘Dude, what the hell is going on, did you get that email from KLM? What the fuck do we do now? Should we lie?’)

I can’t wait. She’s gonna flip her pretty little lid. Throw all her eisbeins out of the cot. Use the word ‘cunt’ colourfully.

It’s going to be beautiful.