Wednesday, April 08, 2009
fish with teeth sharper than einstein & stuff
Dad: Peas. You have to hear my amazing idea.
Peas: You’re moving to Nashville?
Peas: You’re starting a band? Oh. Wait. A band outside of Argentina?
Peas: You’re entering Shoprite’s annual boerewors-making competition?
Peas: You’re buying a rhino?
Dad: You’re getting warmer.
Peas: You’re building a house the shape of a rhino?
Peas: You’re collecting…rhino guano. In big glass jars. To make dung statues. Of rhinos.
Dad: No. I’m buying piranhas.
Peas: That was going to be my next guess.
Dad: Not one piranha Peas. A whole crew of the little buggers.
Peas: Because you want your whole arm to be eaten off, not just a finger. I get it.
Dad: It’s going to be the biggest draw card of the century. A whole tank of ‘em. For the bookshop. The kids who visit will go mad…with joy.
Peas: Cool, I’ll humour you, sure. Where you getting them from? The Amazon right?
Dad: No. From Prakesh, this guy I know who says he can get me anything.
Peas: Anything. And you asked for piranhas not drugs. He doesn’t sound dodgy at all Dad. Looks like you have a winner.
Dad: Think about it Peas, think about it. I’m going to throw them into a giant fish tank and rename my bookshop ‘The Piranha Lounge.’ And! When people stick their fingers into it they’ll even get a free fright!
Peas: Yeah, that’ll get your clientele coming back for more. Definitely. It’ll look especially pretty when you have to feed them live chickens. The floating carcasses will definitely add a certain charm.
Dad: I’m telling you, it’ll be a goldmine.
Peas: Why not get something more, sort of, affable? If you will? Something that would blend better into your immediate terrestrial African surroundings…..like a lemming…or a python? Ooh. How about a lion? That would rock. You could call it Dennis.
Dad: Child’s play.
Peas: A clutch of eagles?
Dad: They’d shit everywhere. And eat Ombre. [my Staffie]
Peas: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m clearly not thinking this through.
Dad: It has such a great ring to it, don’t you think [dreamily]… ‘The PIRANHA Lounge.’ Reeks of danger and intrigue.
Peas: Look, James Bond. Paint a piranha on the wall. It won’t need its tank cleaned. And you’ll get to keep your arms and everything.
Dad: The beauty of it is the DANGER ELEMENT Peas.
Peas: OK OK. What about that rhino I mentioned? It’ll crap everywhere, sure, but it could also flatten someone like a pancake. Is that enough danger for you?
Just think! You’ll be the only dude in the country with a rhino in his bookshop!
Dad: But I could be the only dude in the world with piranhas in his bookshop. You gotta think big, Peas. No one got big by thinking small.
Peas: People with bookshops on the banks of the Amazon probably have piranhas.
Dad: Bookshops in the Amazon jungle? I’ve never heard of anything so absurd.
Peas: Crazy talk, isn’t it. Don’t know where I’d get such a characteristic.