asign percentages to

Probability of
…someone actually being right back when they say ‘brb’:
1) they’re back in two seconds
2) they’re back in two hours
3) they never come back

Probability of drawing blood:
1) being an extra in a horror film and a loose beam unwittingly falls off the ceiling
2) dancing Michael Flatley down a flight of stairs after 8000 whisky sodas
3) picking up a yoghurt too quickly at Woolies whilst unloading basket and slashing finger in half

Probability of how much blood will be drawn:
1) motorbiking accident on rural Ko Pha Ngan resulting in knee busting open
2) advertising executive having his daily nosebleed
3) picking up a yoghurt too quickly at Woolies whilst unloading basket and slashing finger in half

Probability of profanities being spoken amongst tetchy company:
1) in front of boss when Chrome crashes
2) price tag of annual car service being verbalised in your direction by mechanic
3) screaming ‘SHIT FUCKSTICKS’ in front of old lady in Woolies queue, blood spurting from finger

Probability of making same fatal mistake twice:
1) Never. I learn from my mistakes.
2) I never make mistakes. Because I am Jesus.
3) Twice? Child’s play. Try thrice.

Probability of rise in engagement parties:
1) High
2) High
3) High

Probability of how you’d stuff up the start of a serious company presentation to a group of people at a workshop:
1) Blush and stammer
2) Realise your zipper is undone
3) Say, ‘Sorry can I just finish eating my peanuts?’ Then proceed to start talking whilst casually picking up peanuts and tossing them into mouth whilst conveying serious geek stuff to audience.*
*Fuck I do stupid things when I am nervous

Probability of your best mate, The Dove, having the same reaction to her new Euro-Berlin wardrobe from her office that my office had to mine:
1) None. They think purple hi-tops/ladies gold golf shoes are normal.
2) They ask when you last did a load of laundry.
3) They ask her if she’s Barney.
……………………………………..
The purple bear that entertains spawn.
Like they asked me if I was the fucking Tin Man.

Probability of people understanding why we’d go to Warsaw for next year’s trip, at a dinner party: (‘We’re going to Mauritius/Ballito/Disneyland, where’re you guys going?’…… “Warsaw.”)
1) Warsaw, is that in Durban?
2) You guys are fucked in the head. Cheque please.
3) What’s a Warsaw? Is that a saw used in a war?

Probability of a red nailpolish explosion inside your [strapless] handbag:
1) Happens to me all the time. Like whatevs.
2) The pages of your passport have never been glued together with Essie ‘Moulin Cherry’.
3) Why do bad things happen to good people?