Wednesday, July 01, 2009

You know when you have one of those days where, say, the [Get In!!] hotcake industry starts to become an actual serious consideration?

Like, serial?

Where you have a conversation, whereby the final words of a sentence, sound as if your testicles/reproductive organs have been whacked into a vice gripe, puberty attacks, and you’re throwing your hands around like an Italian on a particularly strong batch of amphetamines?

Where you’re actually considering starting up a rum stand on a tropical island, even though the bank manager would probably finance your hotcake company before he sets foot near your palm-fringed rum depot on the lapping shores of Mauritius?

When you give serious consideration to exiting the urban environment, and setting off on a permanent lifelong sabbatical to, coupled with clumps of hair falling mercilessly onto the keyboard in front of you, and where every second word you use is ‘fuck’ or ‘cunt’ or ‘ hairy donkey’s balls’ or some variation thereof?

Peas: Look, I have three options in which to spend my savings. 1) On a house 2) On a 6 month cruise around the globe 3) On a rum stand in Puerto Rico. How easy do you think it would be to do Option 3?

French friend: Ze problem iz ze healthcare. If your appendix explurdes, you will have ze local tribe docteur perform ze surgery. Pas de healthcare. No fund. Eet would be un disastre, putain merde.

Peas: Didn’t really think of that.

Who thinks of this when all they can see is sunny skies, a full head of hair, palm frond dresses, a fuck off treehouse and an indescribable amount of rum? On tap?

French friend: Ze ozzer probleme of course, iz eef you need to fly home for une grande emergency, like if your parents are seek.

Peas: Won’t my rum stand make enough for a flight home?

French friend: Non.

Peas: I see you’ve looked into this.

French friend: Oui. Let us just go and make goat’s cheese in Provence. Zen we have free healthcare in France and we own a few goats in our garden and eet iz all marveleuse.

And everyone likes goat’s cheese. Even ze Eenglish.

Peas: Where do I sign?

French: You might need an EU passeport. For ze healthcare and so you don’t get arrested.

Peas: Fuck this for a ball of shit. Perhaps I should add an option 4) Marrying for passport.

Not a fucking joke. I rate having an EU higher in value than having:

1) A mansion on Westcliff Ridge
2) A man
3) A real marriage
4) Enlightenment
5) No bunions ever
6) Laser on my bikini line
7) A qualification higher than an Undergrad. (That’s me. Snaps for Peas.)
8) The super power of being able to tell the future
9) An endless supply of Diemersfontein Pinotage, delivered to my door, everyday
10) Fuck it. A piece of the Diemersfontein farm
11) Jimmy Choo’s trust fund
12) One sweaty monkey-sex filled night with Richard Hammond in a Formula One in Scunthorpe
13) This is hard: an Audi A3 2.0 turbo, in red, with a sunroof
14) Not getting action for a year
15) One million Rand. I’m telling you, I could do more with an EU passport.
16) A free Green Card. God bless America, but having an EU is easier.
17) One night sandwiched between the tasty buns of Jake Gyllenhaal and Stuart Townsend.
18) One night sandwiched the tasty buns of Richard Hammond’s jock strap
19) Gisele Bundchen’s body
20) Caprice’s tits
21) No Norwegian salmon for 6 months. [How would I cope?]

Speaking of which, I nearly married a Danish dude in Turkey. We were close.

I’m being dead serious.

Except that he lived in Copenhagen and I live here. But as far as business transactions were concerned, it was a great deal.

If only I didn’t have to leave my job, support him, live in Copenhagen work-free for a year, pretend we were madly in love, were considering lots of Danish babies, and prove were more legit than a Nigerian bank account.

Pity. He was strapping.


DelBoy said...

The "Hamster"????

God woman, you must be desperate!

getaway said...

hahahahahah i'm with you 200%, marriage should be a business arrangement..

I too would marry for an EU, although for the super power to see into the future? Thats some strong competition!

Its my dream to eventually retire to a humble existence on the shores of some tropical island :( French friend - the cynic. Im sure it could work.

Secret said...

Yay for Hammond - I wouldnt mind a piece of that pie!

So I cant believe you said "Like serial?"
I swear I started saying that about 3 months ago when I heard my 8 year old brother say "serial" instead of "serious".
It seems to be quickly becoming something of a lingual phenomenon - I call patent on this one!!!!!!

Peas on Toast said...

DelBoy - and that would be bad because...? ;)

getaway - let's be honest, in this day and age, a business arrangement is probably more feasible and lasting than the real thing. Yeah looking into the future is high up there, but what good will it REALLY do if I don't have an EU passport? ;)

PS: The French have mastered themselves as both cynics and surrebnderers :)

Secret - yes! I want in in that pie, love the imagery there :)

Dude, I know - where the HAIL did I pick up Serial? I'm pretty sure it was my mate in London. Crisis, this is when abosrbing-like-a-sponge isn't working for me - why can't I do this with, say, secret code? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

So you didn't rate the Danish passport?

po said...

I am having similar thoughts to you right now. What would I do for an EU passport? I just got back from Spain and all I want to do is bum around Europe but the frigging visas are so frigging impossible.

Failing marriage to a European, I'm thinking the rum stand is a good alternative. At least you will die of appendicitus in a warm, happy place, pissed on rum.

Monkigirl said...

I managed to snag myself a husband with a British passport. Not quite EU, but you can't have everything ;-)

The alternative to a rum stand is to buy a delapidated little hotel on Ile Aux Nattes and refurbish...

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - oh I do! But in order for this to work for me, I need to live in Copenhagen with him for 2 years and I won't be allowed to work....
More ideal if he lived here.

po - here here! I had an invitation to visit Menorca while I was in Istanbul, all expenses paid. So I would've headed off to Spain for two days of idyllic craziness HAD I HAD an EU, except I didn't. Which meant I'd have to find the Spanish consulate in Turkey and try and get a Schengen there. As if THAT would work...let's be honest. So had to turn it down :(

Monki - a Brit passport is an EU dude! You can go ANYWHERE in Europe on that, it's the same thing. You lucky lucky girl :)

I'm trying to get my Greek mate to marry me. He lives here, so it could even work. Trying my best!

I like the sound of Ile Aux Nattes. Oh yes.

expateek said...

Love the French accent! Also, The Hamster is really tiny, but still, even for him, I think sex in a Formula One might be a bit of a tangle.

You sound like you really want to emigrate...

Peas on Toast said...

expateek - I'd warm to the idea of emigration. Not because I hate South Africa, just because I need a change, ever-so-deparetly. And new challenges. But forever? Not so sure about that - but with an EU at least I get to decide right? ;)

hahaha I'll take the Hamster during a Formula One, in a Formula One, on a Formula One, next to a Formula One, any day :)

Monkigirl said...

After that last comment I won't be able to look at a formula 1 car without having dirty thoughts about Hammond.

Peas on Toast said...

Right now, all I can think of is doing dirty things with Hammond.

Should we write him a letter?

Mini said...

Eish, maar why?

Peas on Toast said...



fancyfairy said...

Mmm... not so sure about forsaking the Diemersfontein Pinotage though - when do they release their 5-litre bottles (at the same price as the measly tiny bottle of chocolate yummy wine that's gone in a matter of minutes!).

I also suffer from incurable foot in mouth disease. Any Sagittarians out there who can identify? Or maybe it's a general malady for which one could take copious amounts of Diemersfontein Pinotage at the peril of one's non-existent monthly budget.

Trying to think about Bill the gorgeous vampire in TrueBlood instead. It's proving not to be too difficult. If only he could bite me, then EU worries would be a thing of the past.

He is real, he is really real :)

Peas on Toast said...

fancyfairy - yeah I didn't say it wouldn't be difficult, alongside forsaking action for an entire year, most of those things on that list I DO want. But probably not as much as the EU. :)

Trying to think about Bill the gorgeous vampire in TrueBlood instead. It's proving not to be too difficult. If only he could bite me, then EU worries would be a thing of the past.

hahahah! That's what I say about Hammond! :)

dfwine said...

Hey Peas on Toast...great to see our Pinotage up there with Jimmy, Richard and Audi A3! We'll be sending you a gift pack, more on email wr; hope this makes things better and keep the comments coming!
The Diemersfontein team