A mate and I were playing Teacher Teacher yesterday.
Pity, it wasn’t so much done in a bedroom as it was over chat, [because between you and me – I’m getting my mojo back.]
But back to classroom antics, he was teaching me Spanish, and I was teaching him…German. (Which is where Google Translate comes in handy.)
Mate: Now Spanish es muy facile. It’s very easy.
Peas: Si si! Tortillas quesidillas buritos fajitas. (I know the important things: foodstuffs.)
Mate: OK. What does this mean: El torro con los testiculos muy grande es de Mexico.
Peas: Your…..body with the testicles…. is much bigger in Mexico?
Oh wait - the BULL with testicles is much bigger in Mexico?
Bulls in Mexico have bigger bollocks?
Mate: The bull with the big testicles is from Mexico.
Peas: Yes please? I could definitely use that all the time in random conversation, totally.
Mate: El perro con el culo pequeño es de Bélgica.
Peas: Let’s see…the parrot…with the smelly ass....is from Belgium?
Mate: The dog with the small asshole is from Belgium.
Peas: hahaha. I mean, jajajajajaja.
Mate: El burro con un vesícula biliar apestoso es sin amigos a la playa.
Peas: Oy fajitas. Toughie. OK: The boy…had a vasectomy...so he can play with his friends?
Wow. You're a very special Spanish teacher.
Mate: Come on! Burro? A boy? Come on! Everyone knows what burro is.
Peas: No, what, pray, is a burro.
Mate: A donkey. They're kind of famous for them.
Peas: Ooh ok. Famous donkeys.
How about: The famous donkey had a bipolar vasectomy so that he didn't impregnate his friends??
Mate: Actually it means, The donkey with the stinky gallbladder has no friends on the beach.
Peas: Yes, because I could DEFINITELY see it said that.
Your knowledge of Spanish vernacular is interesting. To say the least.
Mate: El hombre con los pies grandes es probablemente Inglés
Peas: The man with huge feet is probably English.
Peas: I'm a farken genius. It’s just like French man.
Your turn, let’s get a crack at your German.
Der Mann mit dem Ballen auf seinem Gesicht lebt in Düsseldorf
Mate: Not a clue, except for the ‘in Dusseldorf’ part.
Peas: The man with the bunion on his face lives in Dusseldorf.
Ok Die Katze saß in sheiße
Mate: The cat sat in shit?
Peas: Correct. How about: "Nein, keine Peitsche, die in Öffentlichkeit, sind Sie verrückt?"
Mate: “No, my little peach…”
Peas: Wrong. It means, “No, don't whip it out in public, are you insane?”
Right. Der Mann isst Bananen und streichelte seine behaarten Hund.
Mate: The man eats bananas while he...straddles a lovely dog?
Peas: Almost. The man eats bananas while stroking his hairy dog. One more. Die Frau geht die Straße entlang, während farting.
Mate: The woman crosses…the street…while…farting.
Peas: Pretty much. The woman walks down the street while farting.
Now that’s the shit you wanna take to foreign dinner parties.
If you’re ever-so..inclined.
In other news, don’t you wish you could say this any which situation – social, boardroom, over the phone, anywhere – without being judged:
1) Howzit my china from another vagina! (Thanks dude. ‘Brutha from anotha mutha’ is so 1992)
2) That mistake you just made, THAT FUCKING MISTAKE - is gonna rip me another asshole.
[pragmatic pause] That’s right! ANOTHER ONE.
3) You’re a fucking cunt.
Plucked last night. Totally.