ennerved

I fly to Kenya tomorrow.

I’m scared.

It’s when I’m scared - and it’s not just Kenya at the moment, I’m scared and despondent about all sorts of crap - I tend to do meaningless shit to distract myself.

Like find websites entitled ‘Stuff White People Like.’ Yeah it’s funny, sure. We like camping, taking gap years, Moleskine Notebooks and Vespas. I suppose we can be stereotyped into one autonomous race. It’s not half wrong. Makes for an interesting, entertaining read. They even publish books.

I’m just imagining what would happen if someone started a blog called ‘Stuff Black People Like.’ Especially in this country. I’m trying to guess the time period by which the blog would be labeled racist. Four, maybe, five seconds?

So that’s one piece of meaningless crap I’ll sift through when my head is way confused and overwhelmed.

Sometimes I’ll surf a Facebook acquaintance’s page. A specific one, where, life is just simpler. For example a girl I went to primary school with, who has a kid, talks about God, or how blessed she is, and joins groups like ‘If 1 Million People Join, We’ll Donate R2 To The SPCA,’ and such.

It’s too sweet to roll your eyes. It’s a simple existence, a bubble existence, free of issues and stress, just blissful ignorance.

I wonder whether I ever had the ability to be like that – even if I knew at 5 years old I never would be.

I’m watching Californication and for some reason, God, it isn’t as funny as the first time I saw it. Hank Moody is disturbing me more than anything.

Perhaps it’s not the light superfluous crap I was hoping for, after what, 6 months of Chandler’s sarcasm.
Perhaps a lot of what’s gone awry in his little existence has gone wrong in mine. Perhaps this stuff encourages me to feel even more cynical than I even imagined.

Arrgh screw it. I’ll run it off.