Tuesday, December 08, 2009



I’ve lost my ID book.

I don’t know whether it was in Kenya or at The Killers.

One usually doesn’t care where they lost an important –oh-my-gracious-fuck-I-have-to-go-back-to-Home-Affairs document; they care that they lost it.

I care. But I care where more.

Because as Ant pointed out in a sweaty moment after The Killers: ‘You could be married to a Nigerian by now.’

My odds are twofold: If I lost it in Kenya, I could be married to a Kenyan.
If I lost it in ZAR, I could be married to a guy from Lagos.


Or. Or. There could be another Peas On Toast running around. Identity burglar.com.

Now besides the obvious admin of various document collecting mare-ishness, only precedented by the dodgiest, most corrupt place in Johannesburg, I’d say getting hitched unwittingly to a faceless man, who could be hailing from Chad, for all I know, is not on my list of immediate priorities.

Getting an ID book, and then – God – getting a divorce, is. Does this ‘steal ID book and marry to get into the country’ thing happen a lot?
I mean is this a common and frequent maloccurence?
Am I fucked basically?
Identity theft or otherwise?

Christ, I need an affidavit, I need a birth certificate (which, it so happens, is being processed at Home Affairs and do not have one in my actual hand as yet), I need proof and other shit for a new one.

The other one survived 12 years of hardship. It went through two washing machine cycles, it went places. I looked 17 in the picture, because I fucking was.

But more disconcertingly – if my new husband is reading this, fuck you bro.

Can you say ‘alimony?’ Although, if indeed you are an illegal immigrant from a country in the armpit of Africa, I’m gathering I won’t get much from this divorce, except inconvenience.

Surely if this stuff does happen, someone would inform me? As in, ‘Dear Mrs Nbongo, congratulations on your wedding. Sincerely, the Court Of Law Inc.’

Look if Richard Hammond picked it up, he would’ve read the ‘Dear Richard/Fuckleberry Finn – you found me [book]. You know where to take this and you know what to do. Kiss kiss’ message scrawled in the ‘Firearm License’ section.

In other news, I went for my now-regular poen wax last night. It IS getting less painful.
And they’re not whacking me in a room that’s soundproof because I’m screaming profanities of the fuck kind out loud and scaring away the other clientele.

I’m manning the hell up.

So on that note. Now to de-man. Of the potential unwanted husband type. Off to see a man about a dog document.


Billy said...

I pity you, if possible pray you are married to the Kenyan, they have good teeth, can ran fast and jump high. Besides, if you ever decide to live with him he may own a few cattle as apposed to inhabit a squat near Ellis park.

You get my mail?

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Billy - yip got your mail and will put something up before end week :)

I don't wanna marry anyone I don't know! (Unless he's a hot British TV presenter!)

Billy said...

Thanks so much.

Perhaps he's the nigerian hamster? the mind boggles.

Thedailyspew said...

Live a little - Its pretty cool, knowing that you might well be hitched without the effort of dating and getting to know each other stuff? Although selecting a mail order groom might be easier on the eyes, and possibly have a background attached. Someone on the UK version of the weakest link openly admitted to having a mail order bride, was gobsmacked.

Mickey G said...

Hey Peas

I don't read your blog for a few days and I miss some important happenings in your crazy life.

Firstly I send my deepest condolences to you and your family on your loss. As a mason myself it is always sad to hear about a fellow brother passing and I know he's in a better place.

Secondly I think its awsome you getting to meet the hamster, I live for top gear, as my wife can testify to, and I will surely be sending you a mail with the answers (if your comp is still going)

Lastly on the issue of your id book, I had to apply for a new one a few months ago and I have to admit home affairs in Randburg were pretty jacked. As soon as I left I had an sms with a reference number and my id was ready when they said it would be.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - now that's an interesting image... ;)

Daily - I thought of that! I could order an English Richard Hammond lookalike off a catalogue! Except...too late, I may already be hitched. Hmmph!

Mickey - thanks so much guy. So you're a Mason too eh? I tried for the most part of my life to squeeze details from my grandfather about what you guys do - and he wouldn't budge hey. Nothing.

As for the ID, your experience sounds ok. I may try Edenvale branch though, heard the queues were less crazy there (?)

DelBoy said...

Wouldn't it be easier to buy a new ID book in Jo'burg? I heard that you can get them for about R50.00! Or I could give you mine - if I can find it... it even has a motorcycle licence in it!


Peas on Toast said...

DelBoy - probably. It HAS crossed my mind