dorris

Went over to some mates last night for some dinner and a session of fat chewing.

They've bought a 1982 Sprite caravan from Springs.

They've named her Dorris. With two r's.

They're going to sjoosj her up all nice and pretty and take her around Joburg. Dorris is an investment. And I think it's the win of the year. She's powder blue, more retro than Riaan Cruywagen's toupe, and thought it apt to give them a Dorris warming present.

A giant disco ball I bought in Bangkok.

I want a caravan now. What do you reckon my Brit would say if I bought a caravan and insisted our first holiday would involve trekking down to Bognor Regis?

I've decided to host a giant jumble sale cum cocktail party at my house. Whereby we all drink wine, and my mates potter around my house and ask which items are for sale.

I've decided to create incentivisation packages for them. As in, if they buy my curtains, I'll throw in a free surprise.

For instance, if you buy my Snakwich machine, I'll throw in a blow up mattress and set of skiing goggles free.
If they buy my bed, they'll get a deck chair and a set of steak knives too.
I'm mixing and matching, because that's what's going to be fun.

Already 6 people want to buy my supersonic all-in-one wet and dry Vacu-Suck 4000. So I'll give everyone a paddle and host an auction on my balcony for it. The lucky winner will also get a laundry basket and my Pussy: A Tasty Meal In A Little Box mug.

Which, frankly, I'm loathe to part with.

Whatever doesn't get sold, I either pack up and store in my parents garage, ('Matric ball dress anyone? I'll throw in a coffee plunger and a non-stick spatula free?'), or whack on Gumtree.

The mate who bought the caravan buys everything on Gumtree.


Peas: Where'd you buy the caravan anyway? Autotrader?

E2: Gumtree dude. From a family in Springs.

Peas: Ooh, look you also have a MacBook Pro.

E2: Gumtree.

[pause]

E2: Have you seen our new pet rabbits?

Peas: Oh my god, beeyoodies. They remind me of Mason-Rodney. My late guinea pig. He was the best.

E2: Yeah I bought them on Gumtree.

[pause]

E2: By the way, we're looking at buying a restaurant. The latest investment.

Peas: Where did you hear about the restaurant?

E2: Some dude posted it on Gumtree.

Live rodents, laptop, caravan and now a restaurant. That's the schwag my mate buys on Gumtree.

Legend.