Tuesday, September 07, 2010
It's 4am, I am fast asleep.
My [master] bedroom faces onto the road. We are the only row of Victorian houses that weren't blitzed during WWII in my area. Which means I am surrounded by council estate, and therein, gangstas like.
I live in the project.
The proximity to the road is such that if someone is walking across the pavement in heels, it reverberates straight into my bedroom, not unlike a gong.
But this matters naught in comparison to the barney I woke up to at 4:01am.
It's like I was there.
I might as well have been standing betwixt the chavvy couple.
Clank, clatter, smash.
'FUCK YOU WAYNE, YOU DONNO NAUGHT YOU CUNT.'
All hail ye, it's a pikey fight.
'I just lost me best mate, AND she pulled my fucken fringe out with her bare 'ands Wayne. 'Er bare 'ands! What are you even finking? You're a fuckin cunt Wayne.'
'Fuck you! I is walkin' around wiffout me shoes on innit? An you iz complainin' about yer mate? I don't got me shoes on you twat.'
'You lost your fuckin shoes. SHOES, MATE, SHOES, MATE, I FINK MINE IS MORE IMPORTANT WAYNE.'
Ah. Life in the ghetto. Right outside my window. I don't take to being woken up in such a manner. I thought of stumbling towards my window, thrusting my head outside and yelling, Oy! Does yer Dad need a crane to get out of bed in the mornin?' Do you work at a Polish car wash? Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Then hide for eternity.
They may be waiting for me the next day with Wayne's lost shoes, with which they'd use as weaponry directed towards my kneecaps.
(Caveat. These are chavs, not the mafia. They'd probably just chase me with a broken bottle.)
'Just oo d'you fink you iz, Wayne? She iz screaming at me for NUFFINK.'
''Ang on. She fought I was hitting on her. Which I was, but you said you like that.'
(Oy vey. A threesome. Gone wrong.)
'I did but I changed my mind Wayne! I changed my fuckin mind and one would fink you'd know that you stupid twat.'
And so it continued. Deep into the night. As they walked around, I could still hear them three blocks away.
No doubt interesting to listen to, especially when you're huddled under a duvet mere metres away.