Monday, January 24, 2011

move along nothing to see here

One of those weekends where I felt I needed to catch up with my friends.

I needed to bitch. And I needed to bitch good.

The bubbling undercurrent of irritation is starting to make like Brisbane during rainy season.

It's starting to overflow just a titch. And since I'm starting to not give a fuck, my level of tolerance is dangerously low.

I've pinpointed the issue.

1) I have never felt like I am living in a house. I am living in her house.
She owns everything, from the shopping list to how we clean the sink.

2) I have therefore never been able to truly relax in this house.
She is so condescending. But the worst part? She doesn't realise it. It's slowly but surely killing me.
She tells my Brit, when he emerges from the toilet, "to put the seat down." He always does put the fucking seat down. In fact I've never seen the thing up, even in his house. She'll do that. Tell us to do stuff when we don't need to be told. Now that is fucked up.

4) I am still harbouring annoyance over the fact I cannot say 'spazzy 'or 'retarded' - even when referring to myself - in her midst. The whole thing is RETARDED.

5) She uses the lounge. No-one else does. Ever. Because she watches Hollyoaks for two hours every night and that's that.

6) She decides who lives in the house. We don't meet these people until they move in.

So I had a mate over on Friday to assess the situation. I'm a female living with a female. She's getting under my skin. Maybe it's just me. Women being women. Hormones, too much oestrogen, the fact she's Aussie.

And that's another thing. She has made me so utterly and crazily fucked off that I now cannot stand to be around anything with an Aussie accent.

More about this later.

At the moment I'm biting my tongue, saying to myself, "don't say anything don't say anything, it'll make it worse, shut up, only a few more months..."

There's probably no logical explanation for my resentment. She's not a bad person deep down.

Went to a pub and promptly walked into a place off Northcote Road in Clapham, which was in throes of celebrating fucking Aussie Day. "Banging Aussie beats!" it promised (Kylie Minogue?), while everyone was decked out in boardies and t-shirts. Of all the bloody places I wanted to drown my sorrows.

Am sorry if you're an Aussie, it's not your fault - but Christ you people are irritating me.

OK OK. To be fair, she's irritating me. Her holier-than-thou, matriarchal, and just generally annoying attitude has made me frantic.

I've taken 6 months of this, and although in small doses it hasn't killed me, hell, it's been handable to a point. However this has now built up and is turning me into Mighty Bitch From The Blazing Furnaces Of Hell.

The tipping point came on Friday. I spent a lot of the weekend catching up with my mates and as if by invitation sent by Satan himself, found myself in a dodgy Aussie bar.

I feel a bit like a two litre coke bottle that's had plutonium added to it, shaken for an hour, and left in the sun. Scary?


cassey said...

I vote for making her tea with salt in it, or better yet have a house party, and don't tell her about it till the evening of. I know it's silly and petty, but some people only get that they're being silly when you do something like that.

Anonymous said...

Oh Christ on a pogo stick! When I first got here I moved in with a bunch of Aussies who drove me mental.
The dude who'd take a dump grunting with the door open was South African - from Parow - but the two banshees were the cherry on top. I've met some awesome Aussies while travelling, but after living with two of them I can no longer hear the accent without risking an aneurysm.

Secret said...

My sister dates a lot of Aussies. I hate Aussies. They are a dreadful race for the most part.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah chaps, you've made my day. I've been stressing about this post, but in some ways almost WANTING her to find it.

cassey - I'm definitely going to do that. And turn the music on WAAAAAAAAY loud. It's petty, but I'm lowering myself to new levels.

Turnip - Christ on a pogo stick indeed! Thank GOD it's not just me - and have to apologise on behalf of the Saffa male race about the dude who did a dump on the loo with the door open - revolting!!
But the Aussies? Can't handle right now.

Secret - why does she date them, don't tell me it's the accent??!

Tam said...

Peas, I too had the misfortune of sharing a house with an Auzzie. She was honestly the most evil human I have ever met. She had the giant room with a double bed and a single bed all to herself, while 3 of us had to share the other room with 2 single beds. She demanded that we all pay equal rent. Bitch face also stole the TV and locked it in her room. The fat cow also liked to brazenly march out of the house with anyones packed lunch tucked under her arm. I lasted 5 months... I told her she was an evil pachycephalosaurus (due to her rather large forehead) and moved out. I still cringe at the thought of her. Pah!

Secret said...

She says she hates the accent, and when I rip them off, she joins in. So i really dont know. Maybe they have large appendages....

Charmskool said...

I had an Aussie do a really mean shitty nasty thing to me just to stir things up and he managed to look all saintly, thoughtful and dutiful while doing it. Now I loathe all Aussies - their accent makes me want to puke and I change channels if an Aus program comes on the tv. I used to have an Aus friend that I adored but now I just want to rip their faces off. My cousin is moving to Aus, from Paris, - now I'll never be able to visit her again! I have family in Aus and I've gone off them totally with their superior nanny state attitudes and that ugly accent. Ewww

Peas on Toast said...

Tam - oh my god she sounds bloody hideous! I can't believe you pushed through 5 months of that, good grief!

I'm sitting on 6. nd if I wasn't going on holiday at the end of this week, I'd be moving into a studio flat by the weekend!!

Secret - that's insane, so even after hating the accent? The accent is driving me ballistic, I really can't find anything sexual in it at all.

Charm - which would be said Chaaahm in Aussie - shiver - your story sounds pretty similar to mine.
I hosed myself when you said I used to have an Aus friend that I adored but now I just want to rip their faces off..
That's a pretty amazing description, and totally get you when it comes to hating the accent.

I'm even going to go so far as to say that my Kiwi cousins? I don't think I'll be able to stand being around them either, as it reminds me too much of Australia.