oh hi reality

You know when people say one thing, and it's just a blatant lie?

I'm not being funny or anyfeeng, but...
...It's going to be funny.

Do you have one sec?
....it's going to be half an hour. The sec was over before you finished that sentence.

Let me level with you.
...it's going to be bad news.

I need a drink.
...I needed one, like, yesterday. I've only just started whining about it because the situation has become desperate.

Hey how are you doing?
....I want something. (Especially if this person is IM'ing you and they work in the marketing department.)

I'm sweating.
....It's twenty degrees.

I never take a night bus.
...I have seen too much vomit too many times.

Can I ask a quick favour?
....It will take 3 days, and it'll involve some sort of labyrinth-like mission to some sort of Admin Fuckhole because you're too lazy to do it yourself. And for some reason, I don't look busy enough already.

Are you ready?
...nobody is ever really ready. When Ian Thorpe is about to dive into a pool to swim the 100 metre for his country, he's not even really ready. You're only ready once you've moved off the starting block.

Why didn't you answer your phone?
...Obviously because I didn't want to speak to you. Or it was on silent. Most likely the former, and therefore switched onto the latter.

What can I say, I've had a bad day.