Wednesday, October 12, 2011

skoda tour nerves

I got about two hours sleep last night. Don't mock jet lag. It's up there with piles, passive-aggressive chavs and dandruff.

Not especially painful, but fucking annoying.

I'm lying there, staring at the ceiling, shit going round in my head. (Because if you can't sleep, what else do you do? Worry about other shit like admin you haven't done or work deadlines to fill the time. Gah)

When suddenly:

Brit: "...Did you witness that?"

Oh yay! He's awake! Now he can talk to me and entertain me with wonderful British jokes.

Peas: "Did I witness what?"

Brit: "Did you witness that?"

Wait. Is he awake?

Peas: "What did I witness?"

Brit: "At the table! Alan Sugar's mistress just got a hammer put through her chest, oh my God oh my God!"

Peas: "Babe you're having a nightmare, wake up! And to me."

Brit: "This woman just got murdered with a huge hammer in front of our eyes. Alan Sugar's mistress, she was."

Peas: "Hectic. Where was Alan Sugar then?"

Brit: "Out making money, babe. Obviously."

(Doesn't remember this conversation when he wakes up)

My mum arrives on Saturday. I'll meet her at Heathrow and we'll fly straight to Prague.

And therein, the adventure starts. A colleague has lent me his GPS - for that I can be grateful - I mean fuck - for when we're barreling down the (potholed, communist roads) of Czech, Poland, Slovakia and Hungary.

Things that I'm scared for, on this trip:

1) Being eaten by ex-Soviet ex-Communist neo-Communist Eastern Bloc factory workers who have a taste for capitalists (us)

2) When we visit Auschwitz. Fun times in the Skoda.

3) Driving on the other side of the road. (This is freaking me out to the point where I lose my motherfucking large appetite whenever I think about it)

4) Roadsigns in a Cyrillic alphabet

5) The food. Slop?

6) If we break down and have to talk to people using the Google Translate tool

Things to look forward to:

1) Meeting ex-Soviet ex-Communist neo-Communist Eastern Bloc factory workers. Then surviving the experience.

2) Pretty Eastern European architecture.

3) The times when we aren't in the Skoda.

4) Hungarian thermal spas, in the parks.

5) Beer. They do beer. Especially in Czech.

6) If we break down in Poland. Poles are good with cars. Right?

Oy vey. What will become of us.

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