Friday, December 16, 2011

snow & strategy

It's snowing!

For an antipodean, snow never gets old. Even in London where it immediately turns to slush and goes all brown and dirty (or yellow, from copious amounts of piss).

Oh and halfway during the above sentence, while opening Blogger in a frenzy, it stopped again.

But that's not the reason for this post.

Christmas shopping. The Brit and I have either gone completely fucking mental, or it's because we haven't had a moment to do it yet, but we are doing our Christmas shopping tomorrow.
On a Saturday. In a mall.

Does anyone have any suggestions (or free offers?) of drugs that I can take for all the screaming children and bat shit crazy people that I have to contend with?

Women grabbing blindly for the 2 for 1 specials on 'FloorFillers 2000" - I'm going to need some kind of tranquiliser to get through this. Our strategy alone simply isn't enough.

I'm gonna need a dart gun, loaded with enough ketamine to floor a rhino. For myself. I'll aim it at my own rump, if it means I get through this alive.

Up until this point, I've, at large, felt very Christmassy. More so than in previous years. Being drunk most of the time always helps.
So in order to spread the joy, The Brit and I have a plan in place. And we've even written it down on a doc, shared it, and added comments.

The end result is a SWAT campaign for Christmas shopping:

Exit house at 7:00am, Saturday morning, GMT.
Enter Deli Boutique, purchase to-go coffees.
Pull into shopping centre complex, Westfield, at approximately 8:00am. Secure parking at front of lifts.
Pull out floor plan.

Execute delivery of floor plan, that has been memorised in memory banks.
Enter Level 1, put on night vision goggles.
Assemble blinkers, bought from horse accessories store, on head.
Pull out shopping list.
Proceed to item 1, in a passive-aggressive directional stance, buy item.
Buy online, from Amazon, while in the shop. To save time.

That's how far we have got. It's all written down and everything.

This is going to ruin my weekend isn't it.

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