Thursday, December 01, 2011
the wheel turns
It's a variety of factors, kick-started no doubt by the influx of baby pictures that roll all over Facebook (now renamed Babybook), coupled with my aunt being very ill, my grandfather dying, and perhaps just my ticking body clock - but something in me started to turn a few months ago.
The slow slide into, and quick fucking realisation that the time has come where I have to sort my ovaries out.
And that nagging sensation coming from my uterus that says: Peas, listen here you crazy bitch. I want you to want to have a baby. I want a fucking baby one day. Please can you want a baby one day
I'm 31. I'm not getting any fucking younger.
My friends have babies. Those who do can't really talk about anything but their babies.
I'm five steps behind. I'm not even married for crying out loud! Why can't the world just stop? Why can't time just stop, what the fuck is happening suddenly? WHY AM I PANICKING SUDDENLY?
IS THIS NORMAL?
I don't blame them. What else do you do when you're on maternity, wiping up vomit and crap? I just can't relate to it.
All I see is babies on Facebook. And for the first time in the 4 years I have had a Facebook account, I'm seriously considering getting off the fucking thing forever. I'm. So. Bored.
I don't have brothers and sisters. So if I don't have a baby one day, I will be old with no one else's children around me as a substitute.
My friends are slowly but surely taking the names I liked for my non-existent children.
Fuck not again. Another name I had liked gone. To some kid I will never meet, but see splayed across Facebook every day. Great.
I have endometriosis and I am now in my 30s. Do I freeze my eggs?
No. I need to pull my shit together. Acknowledge the fact I want children at some point, don't panic, don't think about my ovarian follicles and if my eggs will last another five years, and get my uterus fixed.
I have booked the appointment with the gynae surgeon here. And will get an op early January. No more excuses, no more dragging my heels. I will sort this fucking endometriosis out now.
I'm broody for my own child, but I don't like other people's children that much. Is that normal?
If I don't have children, will I have anything to live for when I'm old and my career is finished?
Fuck. Pregnancy gives you piles [trust me. You don't want one. Don't try to get one], and stretches your nethers out of shape. Why the hell would I want that?
Giving birth fucks you up.
God, and let's not even talk about private school education fees. In the UK.
Or teenage tantrums, or finding out my daughter took cocaine or something.
Would I even be a good parent? I don't know. Probably not actually.
I wouldn't be able to travel like I do anymore. Fuck! I would actually have to consider another human being's life over mine and The Brit's.
I am finding it very annoying that I have to even start thinking about this stuff. And that I'm FORCED to.
And yet, despite all of the inconvenience of the above, and endless analysis thereof, I can only conclude one thing:
I want to have a baby someday. Someday within the next 5 years. Above and beyond anything.