flat and disgruntled

There's something in the air - and it's probably this dog shit freezing weather outside that's catalysed this - but I'm feeling really flat.

There are a lot of things I wish I could pull out of a hat right now, and they're not ice cream jeans or Mulberry handbags.*

Siblings. That I could go on trips with, travel the world with.

Look, I have been very lucky as an only child. My folks sent me to a toff boarding school. I learnt to play the piano. I got to go overseas a lot as a kid. I always had friends over to play. But I've also always been really independent. Of anyone. (Sometimes to my detriment.)

I was lucky, and I am endlessly grateful for it. Especially going to a boarding school where there were six school uniforms. That shit was expensive.

There's a little piece of you that even wants to be an only child, isn't there. I mean, maybe your brother is a raving mentalist and your sister is more annoying than a Ken Livingston mayoral campaign. And you dream of knocking them off.

If you lived in China you'd be an only child. So don't jest it. This could be you. If you came out of the uterus in a different geographical location, you could be...me.

The above stuff simply wouldn't have been possible had I had a brother or sister. But for what I got as an only child, I lack in other areas. (Except this. I am alpha-child. Will ALWAYS be alpha-child. Will fuck. You. Up. If you try and topple alpha-child status.)

I see so many people going on trips with their siblings, especially now. When 'friend' trips are on the downturn. An overseas thrash with a group of people is a rare concept now. Kids. Budgets. Weddings.
The concept of having someone's kid on the trip means...is that even a holiday?

So those who are still keen to throw collateral towards a travelling adventure mostly do things with their families, their siblings. What I would do to take a sister on a trip with me! Put on a backpack and go and explore somewhere batshit crazy weird.
(Do you think they'd also want to go to the Ukraine, or is that just me?)

I just feel a bit left out sometimes. I have cousins, aunts, parents. But they all have people they're closer to; their siblings.

Not that I can change this or anything. I am very happy to do things on my own. Things that scare most people on their own, doesn't scare me that much.

"I could never sit at a restaurant and eat dinner on my own."
(Are you serious? I love doing that.)

"Travelling? On your own? You'll surely die."
If the Brit can't or won't come with me (Ukraine and those areas aren't his cup of tea. At all), I'll probably just go on my own. I've backpacked dangerous places by myself before.

The Brit finds my need for independence quite strange. I just need to do things for myself - and by myself - sometimes. That's the way I've always done things, and most of the time I've got shit done by doing it all by myself. Sometimes I get a bit too 'power woman,' as he calls it, and I need to remind myself that this is not always the best way to do things.

Only if you're an only child, with ridiculous amounts of dogged drive, will you understand.

"Fine, I'll just do it on my own." (I bloody well will. Do NOT try to stop me.)

Anyway, Sorry. Where was I? This post was meant to be about pulling shit out of hats.

A little ray of sunshine would be nice. And maybe being able to plan a trip.

Flat as a pancake. Just want to go home and curl up in a little ball on the couch.
Not feeling sociable, or up for anyone's bullshit this week.
This week is all about me. On the couch. Feeling flat. And saying 'no' to everything until I feel better.

* Still. When it really comes down to it, wouldn't swap Mulberry handbag for a brother or sister. Fuck no?