Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I'm literallah obsessed with this man.

He's been around for a while now, and coined Gap Yah, a comedy sketch loved by people who love posh people.


He writes Gap Yah plannah's for the Telegraph.

And I literally discovered his Twittah yesterday. I'm not on Twittah. I've only dabbled in the sporting of tweeting by not tweeting. And following without literally signing up for an account. I read a lot of garbage, and I read a lot of ah-mazing comedy.

But I refresh and refresh and refresh my browsah literally like a mentalist? So that I can get his updates? Banter factor 10/10?

Back in the real world of working hard and not eating not smoking not having a trust fund literally trying to concentrate on a full day's work, a few challenges have marred my day like erect socialist bell ends:

My epic red trousers have literally let me down
I've literally had to give myself a wedgie, because my panty line is literally glaring through my trousers? #literallyEmbarrassing

Surprise! I literally have four butt cheeks!

Pants have literally pushed themselves into a groove - à la dissection - over each ass cheek, and now my entire backside literally looks like a GIANT HOT CROSS BUN.

It's literally the most unattractive thing. Even in red trousers. Which are standard de facto passion lovers.

Forced wedgie stops the quarterly dissection.

Saying literally as many times as I can, just enough that I can get away with it, but not too much that I get shot in the temple by a mentalist wielding a pistolet who has literally had enough of me saying literally.*
It's literally banter-o-clock.

The raving socialist who disrupted the annual Oxford-Cambridge boat race
Throwing himself in front of the rowing boat, a raving Australian socialist who was privately educated and sports the name 'Trenton Oldfield.' Literally ridiculous? Excessive lollage much?

Pasties [tax] and posh kids. Literally LOVE this country.

Shit that's important:
1) The London mayoral election. (I'm literally allowed to vote. They said it's because I'm from the Commonwealth. This is literally the only fucking time that being in the Commonwealth has literally helped me do anything.) Boris up, Ken down. (Socialist and therefore mentalist.)

2) Pie tax.

3)Posh kids protesting against other posh kids. (By literally throwing oneself into a river. Did he literally want to be a pirate?)

Shit that's not vaguely important:
1) Complete transport meltdown during Olympics. It always breaks anyway.

2) The Eurozone crisis/anything in Europe in general. Will we stay, won't we? Who gives a fuck, we literally have the POUND STERLING?

3) Malariah. It's not here.

*That must literally be a record! 24 literally's including the title. I am a RECURRING WORD HERO. WHAT A MENTALIST.(Literally)


Flarkit said...

You is literally mental. Literally the least looney limey left of a Laparoscopy, alliteratively.

Peas on Toast said...

Flarkit, you literally have the best alliteration evah?!

Unknown said...

Peas... thanks for that post - you have literally made my crappy day a less literally crappy day...

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Unknown. Your comment has literally made me feel like a true lad. A LADonna if you will.