Wednesday, November 28, 2012

stanislav's atomic adventure - part 1

The Dove and I have been busy with another story. I am so stiff from doing bench presses at the gym - that's right - I've been fucking bench pressing my own weight - that I can't sit.

My lactic acid-addled body is so stiff, that I can neither squat on a toilet or sit on a chair. I just came back from a meeting where I had to have help physically lowering myself into the chair. The process took about two full minutes and I broke into a sweat.

I'm 32, not 72, so it's a little embarrassing, but then exercising is a fucking hazard and should come with a warning label on the can. 

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes. So as I am immovable and am walking around with the dexterity of a sloth, I have instead chosen to flex a small muscle in the anterior part of my brain. With Dove. 

We've done a new story, this time with new characters and new vibes. (Given Dayde and his crew died, we didn't have a choice.)

By Dove and Peas On Toast.

Chapter One


Meet Stanislav. He's a Ukrainian geigometer salesman, whose favourite song is If That's OK With You by Shayne Ward.

Stanislav lives with his wife, Nastasja, in Pripyat, a town located
three miles north of the exploded Chernobyl nuclear power plant.
They both reckon that they can make a KILLING - literally geigometers flying off the shelves type of killing - by selling these in the area, due to the cold, misty, grey ionizing isotope air that surrounds the town.

As a result, because they live in a place that is filled with atomic strontium, cesium and plutonium, they wear head to toe lead suits. All day long.


One day over dinner - a challenging event considering they have to eat through a hole in their metal armour due to their close proximity to the disaster area - Stanislav and Nastasja discuss their plans to become Geigomillionaires. 

Unfortunately for them, the press about Pripyat has been positive lately, due to the Ukrainian government capitalising on guided tours. So Stanislav and Nastasja need a way to convince people that geigometers are STILL a crucial investment. 

They also decide to enlist the help of a product designer, to give the Geigometer a hip, but functional feel. Nice enough to carry around, like a handbag, for example.


Natasha and Stanislav come up with a cunning and ruthless plan over their steaming plate of boiled cabbage and homemade vodka, which they imbibe through a custom-made 'mouth hose,' that connects their food to their mouths through the hole in the 7000 tonne lead suit.

They get shitfaced and through a series of grunts and chortles, decide on yellow as the prototype colour. 
Yellow is sunny, unlike anywhere in Ukraine, so it would appeal to people who ordinarily holiday on the Mediterranean seaboard, and yellow is also a colour that induces fear and loathing. Most nuclear shit storms have always involved yellow - whether its a mushroom in the sky or the warning symbol on a package of plutonium. 
'Vee must have the yellow fabric, Stani. Vith the leather handles for easy carrying. And I have brainwave. We get the geigobag endorsed by Vivienne Westwood so its brand fabulous yes?' said Nastasja, getting all excited.

But Stani appeared quite concerned. After reading the 'Anthology Of Everything That Can Kill You From Outer Space - Updated Version,' he suddenly realised that the banana lying on his desk posed a potentially lethal health hazard.

The book had a whole chapter, just on bananas, alone.
'Nastasja, my love,' he says. 'Step away from my banana. You hear me! Move away from the banana, girl!'

"But why Stani? You not like? Its yellow. Like our new prototype bag!", she said indignantly.
"That fucking banana is radioactive."

(Bearing in mine most of the stuff around them was atomic, thanks to Chernobyl exploding, so one random radioactive banana seemed like small fry in comparison.)

Stani started to sweat. Because he had a banana addiction and ate at least five a day as his Five A Day.
"The potassium traces found in bananas are actually radioactive!"*
This is how they formed the idea of taking Geigobags to the public. Shit just got real. And all thanks to Stanislav's banana.
They'd position bananas as the new 'atomic vegetable,' so that everyone would be aware of how hectic too many bananas could be for you, and coicidentally, because bananas are yellow, it would be the perfect first prototype handbag. 

They'd be rich! They start preparing for launch across the entire Chernobyl Exclusion Zone.


Nastasja enlists Ogilvy Ukraine to create a pro-bono campaign, in exchange for ten free Geigometers. The agency has one employee, due to an incident in which all four other employees were killed after eating a gift from a grocery client - a hamper filled with bananas, again, coincidentally. The cause is, therefore, particularly close to the remaining employee's heart.  

Kievan Rus - named after a medieval Ukranian state - will be the art director/writer/photographer/post-production supervisor on the job. Even though he was formerly just the mail boy. He gets the brief:

Task: Launch Geigobags across the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone.

Mandatories: 1. Enlist Vivienne Westwood  2. Use bananas as the new atomic vegetable. 

After days of slaving away in the bowels of a burst radiation pipe (The Ogilvy offices were now contaminated), Kievan Rus emailed his
idea to our heroic, entrepreneurial, couple.

Geigobag campaign


See video reference:

Idea: Ask Cadbury if - in the name of good causes - they would allow Geigobags Inc. to use their
gorilla advert. Ogilvy would reshoot the ending of the ad, in which the gorrilla would eat a contaminated banana and collapse in a raucous clatter of clanging drums and symbols. 

He would also like to get permission from Phil Collins to doctor the chorus of the song to say: 

Chorus 1:  'I can feel it, contaminating the air tonight, oh ohhhh'

Chorus 2:  'I can feel it, poisoning my
hair tonight, oh ohhhhh.'


But before we continue - wanted to draw your attention to what we have decided to turn into a hobby. Taking on suggestions. 

If we don't get any suggestions - which is quite likely - we'll continue to spew whatever comes up in the dark recesses of our imagination hereforth.  

*This is actually true. Trace elements of potassium found in bananas actually do make them slightly radioactive.

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