During th darkest of times - my baby writhing with colic between the 6pm and midnight - or while he screams when he has wind (he is one windy little boy), or when his reflux is particularly bad (projectile vomiting, like into my face the other night, and it was dark so I did NOT see it coming) - we have somehow - somehow - battles through it without any help.
'Help' bring something we can put into his mouth.
Dummies are taboo these days. In my area (Clapham is filled with perfect little yummy mummies who have Mulberry changing bags and drive Range River Evoques. Their houses are painted in Farrow & Ball and when they aren't at their yogalates class, they're shopping at JoJo Maman Bebe for Breton striped cardigans for their newborns.)
Anyway. Where was I. Ah. Dummies.
There seems to be a stigma similar to that of formula-fed children.
You want controversy? I'll give you controversy. Dummies and formula. Fuck politics and global warming. Those two items take up terabytes of space on internet forums.
Dummies. They're habit forming. Look shit. Unhygienic. The kid will need orthodontic treatment for its gnashers. Etc.
I vowed never to use one. Until 7:04pm last night when I just couldn't take it anymore.
We have one in the back of our kitchen cupboard. And while Sebastian is easily settled in the morning, come afternoon and evening it's impossible to get him to sleep.
And so, with guilt and pangs of regret and feeling like I failed as a mother already, I pulled out the dummy and wedged it into his howling little mouth.
Felt like I was giving my child heroin.
Instant. But instant relief. For him, me, the Brit and my mother.
Now that we have done it once, it is so easy to do it again. See? Drugs. Oh my God.
I texted my antenatal girls (many of whom who fit the description above, but are equally lovely) - and turns out, all of them use dummies too.
Ah. Everyone's dirty little Secret then. Maybe more people use them than I release behind closed doors as desperate attempts, like me, to get my child to stop crying and sleep.
But it is still taking over all my (limited) brain space. Have I done the right thing? Will he become addicted to it? Or rely on it solely to sleep?,Should I have just persevered more?
Gah. I just don't know.