Wednesday, February 11, 2015

birthday party invitation

My boy is going to be 1 next month.
One year old.

I have mixed feeling about this for so many reasons. He isn't going to be my baby-baby anymore, he will kind of officially be a toddler.  It's gone too fast, but yet, yay! at the same time. We've all survived the first year, all three of us.
The obvious sadness is that this was meant to be his first birthday as a twin. He came as a set. And now we are celebrating both his survival, while needing to commemorate his sister at the same time.

It's bought up so many feelings for me, and I have found myself having Molly Nights* frequently again. Maybe as I know it's coming. The big first birthday.

We thought of having a low-key thing to celebrate our Sebby while also remembering Molly. I can't explain how hard and weird this is for me.
If I were to just make an invitation saying "come to Sebastian's 1st birthday", I would feel like I am deliberately leaving out or forgetting his sister. I would also feel, again, that I was deliberately trying to not acknowledge her, and so it goes against every instinct within me to leave her out.

I'll feel guilty if I don't remember/mention her, and I'll feel guilty if I do. I just can't win this one.
(It's a good thing I'm starting therapy finally, isn't it?)

I also don't want this to overshadow his first birthday, something that we want to celebrate with joy. So there is such a fine line, and I want to try and balance it, but whatever I write or say doesn't seem to do either twin justice. I feel so alone  no one else I even remotely know has this problem - and I am not sure what truly the right thing to do is. Well, actually, I do know what the right thing to do is, but I have to choose my words and my thoughts so carefully.

We already decided months ago that the two dates we will remember Molly is Christmas and their birthday. At Christmas we put up her stocking with gifts for other children, and at birthdays we release balloons for Molly.

I'm also aware that this day is going to filled with laughter and tears. And will be for the rest of his life.

So. I made Sebastian's party invitations today. And this is what I went for in the end after multiple edits and thinking long and hard about how to include her:


We are just inviting a handful of folks we have met over the last year, all of them with a baby of their own. Our new 'parental' friends. As they know what it is like to reach the first year milestone!

It sounds all very grown up. And it is. For now. For the years to come, no doubt, all sorts of fun things will start to happen - like themes and too many e-numbers, and games and bouncing off the ceiling and blowing out candles.

But for now, the most important thing for me here is balance. I wanted two little birdies on the invitation, and I'll be getting some cupcakes made with their names on them.

What do you think?

*Nights where I end up reading through my old blog posts when I was pregnant with them both; or remembering in detail their birth; wandering what  she would be like and look like now; crying until I can't breathe and I feel totally empty and raw inside; or crying with the Brit and feeling white hot anger at the world and WHY is it that only people who have lost a twin really understand the complexity of our situation and in equal measure, the pain?

6 comments:

The Chantal said...

I think the invitation is absolutely perfect. Molly should always be included.

I'm so sorry that everytime he has a birthday it will be both a joyous and heartbreaking experience. Some dates are so hard but you will be okay! Try and enjoy it as much as you can, you don't want to regret not letting yourself also feel the great happiness for Sebastian because you feel guilty if you aren't feeling sad, what I mean is that I know you will have a constant pang of sadness throughout the day but let yourself feel happy too. It's such a difficult situation, I can't even imagine, just trying to offer some words which may or may not help, too bad I'm not that eloquent.

I know the nights you speak of, sometimes you feel like you're doing better and then something triggers off a memory or a thought, and the pain feels so fresh again like it's the first time dealing with it, it sucks so much.


-Chan.

P.S still waiting for facebook video of Seb crawling :)

Vannessa said...

I think it's perfect. I used to worry about not including my daughter on things like Christmas cards etc. Initially I did but I haven't for a while now. I have been feeling a bit emotional lately myself. We're coming up for Kendra's 10th birthday and the 9th anniversary of her death. For this reason I am not fond of March at all.

I don't know if I've pointed you at this blog before, but you may find some similarities in the way you are feeling in her writing. Her oldest is a surviving twin - http://lizmccarthy.blogspot.com/
A friend of mine, who lost both her twins the year after Kendra died, has just had a baby girl but she was 10 weeks prem, weighing 1.25kg. Everytime I look at the first photo of the mommy kangaroo caring for her, I get so teary.

Madi said...

It's lovely.

Couldn't think of any better way to have put it.

xxx

zerry ht said...

Hey all this is great dear. What a thoughtful mother you are! You have all the essential skills of a successful party planner. I would love to get some ideas from your party. Thanks for the article!

imrul kayes said...

Birthday is a day of full of joy and happiness.People celebrate it as if they were newly born again.And we,the people are fond of getting birthday party invitation from our friends and many others.

Anusha A said...

Enjoyed reading the post about 1st birthday invitation!