Wednesday, June 17, 2015


So, this is my fifth day in America. And the fifth day I have been away from my child.

(Will he remember me? Does he even miss me? Does he know I'm coming back if he does? What's going through his little mind? Does he think about me ever?)

And thus far, these things have happened.
Jet lag. Intense.
I nearly went to Tijuana.
Over the weekend, a group of us stayed in Santa Monica/Los Angeles for the weekend. We all went out to a Mexican restaurant on Saturday - in fact, I think we pretty much ate Mexican food for 48 hours running - hashtag winning - but we also indulged in what seemed like endless pitchers of maragaritas.

Now. I haven't drunk a tequila-based beverage for about 5 years. I'm one of the many that dry heave when the substance is bought into my proximity, and let's face it, as I am out of practice in the general booze capacity stakes, tequila was only going to do one thing to me: take me for everything I am.
Happy hour in LA.
I remember fragments of the evening (Lashtag! MumsOnTour!), where I was scooping up nachos drizzled in beans and guacamole straight into my face, endless maragritas, a sombrero and sunglasses inside.

Sunglasses Inside has always been an old party staple of mine. I'm having a GREAT time when I wear my shades inside. I am also drunk and obnoxious and do things like suggest going to Tijuana.

Cabs were called ("Only 2.5 hours away guys! Ten can journey at least!" <----wtf 20="" about="" and="" checked="" for="" i="" literally="" mexico.="" minutes="" on="" our="" out="" p="" regulations="" think="" to="" visa="" way="" we="" were="">
Luckily we didn't go. One voice of reasons in our party (She Who Also Loves Tweed: "We are not going to TJ. An hour into that journey and we will all hate our lives,") clearly managed to convince us otherwise, but I still woke up in the morning with a discarded Corona next to my face and think, "Oh my fuck. Are we in Mexico?")

So that was fun. Being 18 again.
 Hangoverising on Santa Monica beach.

On that.
I feel like I don't experience much joy or laughs or fun anymore. The joy I get out of life at the moment is pretty much drawn from my son and husband. I am meant to be using this trip to find a bit of the Old Me again. She's in there somewhere; I just haven't seen her for a while. I find it hard to relate to her anymore, but gradually she has resurfaced over the last few days and it's been quite something.

I miss Sebastian like I would miss my arm if it fell off. I just pore over the pictures the Brit sends me of him, and I feel sadness and guilt crop up at all hours of the day.

I also think about Sebastian and Molly. The last time I came to the US, I was three months pregnant with both of them. I remember the trip well (mostly because I was sober for all of it), and thinking I was taking my twins to America. I was going on a little trip with my babies.

I am also staying at the same hotel as last time. How very different the prospects are now.

I am training though! Hell YES mothersticker. I ran, alongside my team, an 8 kilometre run in San Francisco yesterday. I almost died, but it happened. I am hobbling around liek an 80 year old, but I am glad I've done a road run now.
I also hit the treadmill the other day, so I am keeping fit.

We cycled to Venice Beach.
One of the nicest [sober] parts of the weekend was hiring some bikes, hitting the promenade that stretches across the coast of LA, and cycling along it, next to the beach. My skin even picked up some sun!

We have shopped.
and this time, I have a serious budget. I have spent hours poring the shops with my workmates, and have bought some amazing stuff on sale for my Brit and Sebastian.

We are going to Napa Valley tonight.
This is anaother thing I have never done on my trips out here. But tonight that changes, as we are all going on a wine tour.


Gosh I miss my boy. If only I could've bottled up his smell and cuddles and brought them with me.

Popquiz: what country am I in?

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