Tuesday, August 25, 2015

stuff you buy when you're drunk

It continues to be bleak, sad and generally dismal times in my house, in my world, so I'll do what I do best:
Compartmentalise it and talk about something else.

She Who Also Loves Tweed waltzed into work the other day carrying a package under her arm. With glee she announced that "her new coffee cup" had arrived.

While I imagined it to be something like this:
You know, cute, portable, practical, can stand up on it's own, it turned out to be this:
 Woah......what is that?
"It's my portable goat horn coffee mug. With shoulder strap, leather holster and hessian sack. All the way from Slovenia!"

Well, obviously this desishe was made when you were drunk, right?

"I might've polished off a bottle of pinot."

It can also double up as a conch shell, Viking claw, weapon, calabash, musical instrument, a Druid relic....

Tweedy is being strangely adamant in using it, even though it doesn't actually stand up on it's own, and I've bet her £20 (the actual value of the thing) that she won't be using it next week.

This got us talking about stuff we've bought when we've been drunk.

I bought a piano. By mistake. After an exceptional bottle of Diemersfontein pinotage. Which turned out to be a pretty fucking expensive mistake.

This is what other people around me have bought, and for added fun, I'm going to rate it from 1 to I Bought A Piano of worst things to buy when intoxicated (WTTBWI) scale.

Flared white 'fashion' trousers in Milan
"I got caught up in the hub-bub of being in the fashion capital of the world!" he protests, in his usual garb of twill grey pants and brown knitted cardigan. "I was in Milan! I was on the Aperol Spritz, everyone was wearing incredibly tight trousers, and I felt like I needed to step it up a notch and fit in."
So, he went to a designer store (there are only designer stores in Milan), and bought himself some skinny - but flared at the bottom - white tailored pants. And wore them there. Even after the Aperol hangover had passed.
"They had this slight, but now very obvious white sheen. If I'm honest, this is what attracted me to them in the first place. It's like my entire personality and preferences changed, because, really, [hands flailing wildly as he reaches the crescendo of his story], these pants were very unlike like me at all!"

They cost a fortune, and later when unpacking his suitcase back in Britain, was asked by his wife whether his "Elvis impression" was well-received in Italy. WTTBWI rating: a solid 6/10.

A ukelele
"Unsure of whether this was a ukelele or banjo at the time," said the dissident. "But thought it would be really cool to learn to play it after drinking whisky sours and listening to Alabama bluegrass all evening."
Thanks to Amazon Prime, the strung instrument was on her doorstop before the hungover had even kicked in, and at [fairly] minimal expense. WTTBWI rating: 6/10.

A wagon wheel.
"I fucking loved my wagon wheel," this one says, before anyone has the chance to discuss whether a wagon wheel is very authentic or in fact, very kitsch.
"My ex-girlfriend tried to throw it away and I found it next to a tip one morning. Needless to say, our relationship is no longer," he says, still rather fired up.

The wagon wheel was purchased after a heavy session of craft ale drinking in deepest darkest Hackney, where one finds shops selling wagon wheels and rollerblades, simultaneously.

The thing is said to be an original piece "Great Trek memorabilia", plucked from the foothills of Isandlwana. (I totally made that up, but I imagine the sales pitch was as such.)
"It's also fucking heavy. The entire thing is encased in a lead bracket, so while I thought I'd lift it to hang off the ceiling, it's still sitting in my garage."
How did he carry it home?

He doesn't remember. And no remembrance of the price tag either, but given it sounded like it came off Piet Retief's wagon himself, I'm guessing it was "show me the benjamins" expensive.  WTTBWI rating: a 7/10.

A decorative ladder.
Similar to the tale above, but slightly more out there object. The plummy girl from Notting Hill said she walked past a shabby chic gallery shop on the Portobello Road after too many Skinny Bitches (vodka + soda water + twist of lime), and decided to buy what she describes as 'an artful ladder.'

"My friends thought it was the most outrageous thing because my flat hasn't been decorated in years. I don't have any art on the walls, no matching linen, and yet, here I had this £900 ladder leaning on my bedroom wall.....that I couldn't even climb because it was...art." 

A ladder that leads to nowhere. Artfully made to look like the paint on it is peeling, and can be leant up against a wall for no reason whatsoever. A 8/10 on the WTTBWI.

A one way flight. To Beirut.
The Canadian in my office did this. In the dead of night. And actually went.
A good few hundreds of pounds later, three new time zones, one continent and an airplane meal later, this rates a cool 9/10 on the WTTBWI. Assuming it meant she had to also buy another one way ticket back to London after the fact. 

So next time you buy a room burner, or reed infuser, or a porta-pool, or a snakeboard or a three pack of plaid shirts online, when drunk, you might not feel so bad now.

1 comment:

Wiola Kate said...

Nice blog :D