Tuesday, March 01, 2016

destiny day

I've been counting down the days in a flurry of excitement and anxiety (seriously, I almost made a worm to stick on my wall), and tomorrow the day is finally here.

My 20 week scan and the day we find out.

Up until a few weeks ago I thought I was having a girl. I've read all the old wives tales, I've cashed those and a little bit of gut instinct, and was pretty confident that that was happening. When I thought about the baby, I envisioned a little girl.

Then, I saw a friend a couple of weekends ago who said, "I think it's a boy. And I've only ever been wrong on this once."

Well fuck. She's sown the seed of doubt. Since then I think I'm having a boy too.

This is a good thing though. While we so want a girl, I've grappled with this in my mind and this week I turned a corner. While I thought I may be a leetle disappointed having another boy, actually, it would be a wonderful thing.

I've got my head around it, I am there. My life would be physical, full of baffs, full of cuddles, full of noise, mess and constant mayhem, but Sebastian and his brother would probably more likely to be friends, at least from the beginning. They'll have stuff in common.
Being a mum of boys is not only acceptable, it's completely cool.  If I had a choice, I'd far rather be the mother of boys than the mother of girls. I always wanted a boy, so two would be double the love surely?

Equally, if we had a girl, I'd be completely overjoyed. I feel we deserve, and are owed, a little girl. Life would be more balanced. I could dress her in Liberty floral prints and bloomers.

It's a win either way. Whatever we have.

The Brit hasn't got his head around it as much as I have, he really really wants a little girl. So I can't help but think he may walk out of there tomorrow more disappointed. I suppose he also can't feel the flutters and the kicks yet, so he still quite detached from it all.

But that is the main thing for me. While finding out if it's a boy or a girl is the most exciting thing in the world, I live for scans. I get scared and anxious before them now, because all I truly care about is whether everything is OK. Is the baby growing correctly, and is there a heartbeat.

That frightful moment where they pour a load of cold gel onto your belly, hook up the device and run the doppler thingie across your stomach hoping to pick up a moving image and the familiar, comforting sound of its heart, I just freeze and hold my breath and wait.

Then, inevitably I cry because I am so relieved.

It's a rollercoaster. And given I'll be having regular scans bi-weekly or so from now on, it's only going to get more tempestuous.

But tomorrow is a special one. I am now terribly confused and think it could be a boy or a girl, I simply don't know anymore.

Anyone willing to hedge their bets?


Katinafrica said...

Girl. Will be great no matter what but I hope you get to have fun raising a baby girl. Mine is so sweet. I love having a boy and girl.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks kat! You are indeed 100% right :)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks kat! You are indeed 100% right :)