Sometimes you read something that really affects you, to the point where you cannot stop thinking about it, having flashbacks about it, feeling all the feels about it.
Usually it's something shit, that you read in a shit, horrible paper. Like the Daily Mail.
Well. For three days now, I feel like I actually have post-traumatic stress disorder. It's like I saw the story, and while not even managing to finish it for fear of having a mental breakdown, the bear facts scorched themselves deep into the recesses of my cranium.
I shan't wish to spread this link anywhere, even though awareness and outrage is what this incident thoroughly deserves. In short, a story about a little boy in Scotland, 2 years old, called Liam. Who was so badly child abused, that the authorities say it's the worst case they've seen in years.
I have a two year old boy. I am pregnant. So you can imagine that this would've gone down like a lead balloon with me to start with. I can't stop comparing Liam's little face with my own son's; I can't stop thinking about how small Liam's little jumpers were, what words he was saying, how he eats, how he cried, how he might've felt. Because my son is exactly Liam's age.
He was the son to a woman, who had a lesbian lover. Together, they beat him so badly that they killed him. I shan't describe any more detail, because it makes me start shaking with rage, and when I did only have to glance over the unspeakable things done to him - detailed - gratuitously mind you - in the fucking Daily Mail and Sun - I had to walk out of the office and go home.
Which is exactly what I did. I couldn't cope. I went home and sobbed for two hours. And as much as I want to stop thinking about this little boy, and the awful things they did to him, and the frustration, outrage, incomprehensible idea that while the nursery and childminder reported their suspicions to a social worker, it slipped through the cracks. And Liam never made it. And in some way, he was put out of his sheer, awful misery of suffering through every day with these appallingly inhumane and disgusting women.
I have been to some dark places in the last three days. Unimaginable places where I freeze, and find it difficult to even breathe and then have a panic attack. Then physically shake myself out from thinking about this little boy and his cruel plight. How do I share an island with these beasts? How do I share a universe, a world?
I'm stunned and just want to scream and beat my fists on the floor; how and why?!
I can't read the news anymore. My job involves the news, we make the fucking news, but when it comes to subject matter involving mothers, child abuse, children, (like the refugee children drowning and being washed up on beaches in Turkey, like Aylan, the little boy everyone mourned for), I just can't do it. I actually feel like I need counselling.
I trust you are at peace now little Liam. And that wherever your soul lies, you are finally free and finally protected. And may your 'carers' burn in the hottest, most evil fires of Hell.
PS: And then there's the gorilla versus child versus parents story. And EVERYONE has to weigh in on that too, don't they.