lies smokers tell

I'm probably going to crucify myself in the process, but the following are things that non-smoker's should probably question if a smoker says it. I know a lot of smokers besides myself - and I've also noticed, objectively mind you, that these are pretty standard things:

“I only smoke about 8 a day.”
(Add at least another 5 cigarettes to that. Just like when you ask a guy how many people he's slept with.)

“I never buy my own cigarettes.”
(They don't. They're not lying. Yet. (They will eventually buy their own though). But until then, they smoke everyone else's after a few drinks.)

“I forgot to smoke yesterday, it was incredible. Giving up isn't so bad.”
(They didn't forget to smoke. Not for five minutes, especially if they were bored. Sure, if they were diving with whale sharks, they might've not been able to smoke. But in reality, nicotine is a drug, and people don't forget what a craving is. They just tried not to smoke, which is why they didn't. And here's something for free: giving up is hell. I've done it seven times.)

“I love smoking, that's why I do it.”
(They do, when all their mates smoke. Like mine. But I can tell you how shit it is to be a smoker around people who don't smoke. That's when I hate being a smoker. And these days, people are smoking less in my circles.)

“I hate having to stand outside in a monsoon when I have to smoke at a non-smoking house/office.”
(Lies. They fucking love it. That's why you'll always see people puffing away in the rain, huddled in a corner. When I lived in Colorado, while there was a frigging blizzard raging outside, I was huddled outside puffin' on a 'stogie.' “Smoke Breaks” are only but the most exciting things on Earth, especially when the day is slow.)

“I didn't have ONE cigarette today”
(Maybe. But would question it. Also be warned – CrankyPants will now bite your head off.)

“I only had one puff of someone else's smoke.”
(Actually, they had five puffs of the last ten cigarettes being passed around.)

“I feel so healthy now that I've given up.”
(Wrong. You feel fat. Sure, no more post-nasal drip perhaps. And maybe you can run a marathon now. Do you have any idea how fucking fat a smoker feels after giving up? I put on flipping 8 kilos after giving up the first time.)

“I've saved so much cash.”
(Negative Ghostrider. They're actually spending more on alcohol and Nine West boots now. You can't fool me.)

“I'd never smoke filter cigarettes, I'll always smoke lights.”
(I smoke lights. Marlboro Lights to be precise. But if I was stuck in the desert and a rescue team could only drop me a pack of Marlboro Red Filters, I would thank the Lord Jesus Christ for such mercies.)

“I've stopped smoking. No honest.”
(Then why did I see you sneaking off to puff away behind the garden shed just now?)

“I don't smoke in front of my folks. They don't know. I just tell then I'm going to the bathroom when we're at a restaurant, or I need a 'some fresh air' or I'm 'going to the shops' or whatever.”
(Smokers have exceptionally small bladders. You'll find, for whatever the reason is they're not smoking at a dinner party, that they go to the bathroom seven times during the starter, and take regular walks into the garden to “check out the jasmine.” Amazing, the more they smoke, the more they need to pee. Odd isn't it.)

And remember above all, they're brilliant at deception. Smokers are clever little fuckers who know how to cover their tracks. They know they actually need to shower, brush their teeth, wash their hair, change their clothes, spray half a bottle of perfume, open all the windows, use air-freshener, then eat something afterwards (to hide the mint taste of the toothpaste, because that's obvious too) to hide their tracks.

Not that I do any of the above, or ever have. Just my observations, no truly.