Friday, October 06, 2006

find guy; kill guy

Once a month for about four days I undergo a personality change. I’m one of those eager-to-please types that just wants everyone to be happy with me. This gets tiring, and eventually I start getting annoyed with having to live up to everyone’s expectations the whole time.

Some call this PMS, I call it self-assertion.

When people break off plans last minute, or give me a piece of their mind when I’m only trying to be nice, I usually back off and try to remedy it in the most diplomatic and understanding manner possible. Exceptions, of course, include volatile screaming directed at me or being deliberately rude. Then I’ll just scream right back. Louder. Generally, though, I like to keep things smooth-rolling.

Until I’m pre-menstrual. Some women weep hysterically for four days, others wrap their pie-holes around anything that says Cadbury’s or Beacon on the wrapper.

Me? Fuck around with previously-planned arrangements, criticise me unnecessarily, ask me to change my views or self, or generally try to take advantage of my good nature during these four days, and you’ll bear a wrath most unpleasant.

You have been warned.

Left work yesterday ready to tear my hair out. There are few things in life more frustrating than slow Internet. These are:
1) No Internet at all
2) Stupid asshole drivers
3) Haemorrhoids

Let’s talk about no.2 for two and half seconds. Driving around Rosebank Suburb With No More Jacarandas And Under Construction, when some asshole idiot camel foreskin I-can-like-to-pop-‘roids-like-Smarties driver, amongst the mayhem of road works, brings his Polo Playa all but onto my back bumper at an unmentionable speed.

His hands start waving.

This story now directly ties into my Don’t Piss Me Off For Four Days rhetoric I was explaining above.

He overtakes me at like 1 000 km/h to stop directly in front of me. Ten metres before a traffic light.
Of all the fudging nerve.
I pulled a zap sign at him.
He, obviously in disbelief, turns around and pulls one back, shouting.
I raised the middle finger on my other hand as well. Also start shouting, with particular emphasis on mouthing the word “Assssssshhoooole.”

He lost it.

He, turning red, started gesticulating wildly, doing ‘I am a fucking loco man’ signals, and fully began climbing over his seat to scream at me through his back window.
I leaned forward, probably bearing my teeth, and made more zap signs, this time with Itye-style vigour.

His car door started opening…and thank God, thank God, the lights changed, so he thought better of it and roared off.

Chop. Joburg drivers. Fuck ‘em.

Then amongst the mayhem of this stupid, irritating Gautrain Taking Over Rosebank, I couldn’t find a parking. Bolted into the Johnnic underground staff parking, relaying some lie to the security guard about having an interview with a sports journalist (Me? Lank.) And limped to The Firs. Shin splints I have had for years, since trying my hand at running at school rapidly kicked in, so I stood like a cripple – immovable – outside the bloody taxi rank. Limping helplessly into the arms of a British tourist who sat chatting to me about fucking Surrey until I could walk to my car.

If I ever see that Polo Playa guy again, I will kill him.

48 comments:

ChewTheCud said...

You lucky the robot turned - he sounds like the kinda guy who has no qualms about beating up on a chick. Then again you coulda had an opportunity to unleash the pms fury on some some random-joburg-dickhead-driver. Claws and all! I would pay money to see that happen.

Peas on Toast said...

chewthecud - Had he tried to lay a finger on me, I would've kneed him in the totty. Swear to God.

This whole thing probably looked hysterical to other innocent bystanders...;)

ChewTheCud said...

It's always pretty darn funny. Until of course you see joburg road rage with pistols drawn. Then you kinda think twice about causing. This did happen in roodepoort though so maybe thats normal there.

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah..it's possible in Roodepoort. I don't usually pull zap signs at people. Ever. Then you get so bloody cross you can't think. Had he bought out a gun and shot me, I would've died an angry person. Not cool for karma and stuff.
:)

Somali said...

Morning Peas,

Roodepoort :-( I live there, it is not that bad. (in Constantia Kloof)

You probably know this, but that poor 80 something year old guy died after he was badly beaten up by a guy with serious road rage.

I try to keep my cool... but it is just not possible. I once had a woman driving a blue polo playa swearing at me after I had to stop for a guy who drove in front of me. I see her regularly... damn!!

Hope you never see that guy again… sounds like a real loser!

Peas on Toast said...

Somali - what is it with Polo PLaya drivers? ;) (Now the fury will be unleashed!)

I did hear about that guy. Very sad. It's absolutely disgusting how aggro people get in traffic. I was ready to beat this man up yesterday, had he got out his car. In all his steroid-shaved head glory.

Do you think cases like this happen as often in Cape Town or Durban? I just don't hear of it as much.

Crusoe said...

Hey Peas, how ya doing? It's a pity the dickhead didn't get out of his car. You could have run him over and claimed self-defense!! But, your satisfaction propably came from having other people in traffic laughing at him, and also by pushing him one step closer to that well earned heart attack! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - touchay! :)

I didn't even want to look at the throngs of cars next to me, otherwise I would've burst out laughing. :)

Crusoe said...

It was probably the same dude who once blew a kiss at me in Rosebank and he is still dealing with his conflicting rage/love emotions :)

If you want to have fun in traffic, treat traffic cirles like traffic circles instead of 4-way stops and see how many people get pissed off - man I love doing that!

Peas on Toast said...

Lol - could be that same dude. :) You know the types. ;)

I drive over traffic circles. Four x four style. (Well the one's that are humps, not actual big monoliths in the middle of the road. Shoot over it straight. Love it.)

Carlz said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Carlz said...

road rage kills peas!

Pete said...

Was it navy blue? This sounds very much like an episode I had last weekend..

Revolving Credit said...

1st I read that haemorrhoids frustrate you.

Then you go on to talk about a I-can-like-to-pop-‘roids-like-Smarties driver

I'm like 'this guy should feel a bit tense if he's sitting in traffic popping haemorrhoids'.

Peas on Toast said...

Carlz - indeed. ;)

Pete - no it was white...the colour of purity. Like whatever. :)

Rev -lol! Well best he sorts it out before he kills someone. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

I thought it was BMW drivers that were the worst and most agro. Maybe they've had to revert to Polo Playas now that they've blown all their cash on coke.

(Rev - I also had to reread that sentence. Thought the same thing at first)

Peas on Toast said...

Perhaps it was his courtesy car while his Beemer was in the shop...

kyknoord said...

Oh man, that is just tooo funny. I must have PMS, because I'm weeping.

Paul Thornton Page said...

Sounds like an asshoel attached to a stearing wheel. Dude let me tell you about the drivers in Transkei - not the bar - the place.

So we are cruizing off to Durbs from Grahamstown, coming over a blind rise when some FOOL comes over the blind rise on our side - nope he was not overtaking he was just coming over on our side - WHAT!!!!! - they are everywhere peas - keep your eyes out!!

Koekie said...

I say the same thing I said to Champagne Heathen yesterday:

Pepper spray.

You wanna piece of me, Mr I'm-so-hardcore-I'm-gonna-threaten-a-female-driver? Come eat mace.

boldly benny said...

Peas your blog always has me laughing particularly the exchange of comments and today has been priceless. Definitely a welcomed diversion from the stresses of work.

Billy said...

Kick his ass!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love the BMW comment!

Inyoka said...

Drivers in SA have a major attitude and it is getting worse here too.

I'll send you a sticker for your car.

Kate said...

Road rage is scary and combined with PMS -terrifying!

I like CT, not everyone's a great driver, but at least they're chilled.

Anyway, that's all good and well - let's rather talk about the third thing on your list. That got my attention! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - can I offer you some chocolate dollface? ;)

Paul - Those Eastern Cape drivers are craaaaazy. :)

Koekie - LOL! Guess what I'm buying next time I'm at an Engen and hammered?

Boldy benny - glad I can entertain dollface. :)

Billy - d'you think people in America/Guam/Thailand say the same thing about BMW drivers? ;)

Inyoka - yay! Can't wait!

Kate - in case you WERE wondering..I've been fortunate enough never to have item No. 3 :)

Crusoe said...

So Peas, some honest reflection needed - what would you do/say if you saw the dickhead this afternoon walking past you in Rosebank?

Would you:
a) knee him in whats left of his pellets?
b) accidentally stab him in the eye with your lipstick
c) tell him in Italian that his mother fucks pigs
d) mumble under your breath as he walked past and then berate him more on your blog

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - oh man. Option C is frigging priceless. :) How bout all of the above?

No I would probably walk, no stalk up to him and go: "You bloody idiot. It's me! The chick in the new beetle you tried to take from behind in your Polo Playa. That's right. Remember me? Well your worst nightmare just came true china."

Then I'd tweak his nipple and run away.

Crusoe said...

Drat - I can't believe I didn't have the nipple tweak as an option! Although it would probably be more like man-boob :)

Apfelshtroodil said...

Now think laterally, all the best dog psychologists will tell you that by responding to rage with rage, you are merely validating the inappropriate behaviour. You need to respond in a manner which will disarm his rage and place him way outside his comfort zone. Try this out next time: Smile, blow him a fake kiss and raise your eyebrows. Then watch him disintegrate as the folly of his social ineptitude dawns on him.

zuzula said...

hurrah for the random Brit! i feel a rare moment of national pride. sorry you had to hear about Surrey though. there's never any need for that.

Peas on Toast said...

Apfel - was too enraged. But a nice option that. The whole "kill him with kindness" eh? ;)

Zu - hurrah! Shame she was actually very sweet. Told me about how she had shingles in Surrey. I suppose it could've been a worse conversation. :)

Apfelshtroodil said...

Or get a boyfriend WITH A REALLY BIG GUN.

Jam said...

The reason why I get angry on the road is this
(an accident that happened this morning on Beyers Naude in JHB. People drive too fast, their sloppy habits put ME at risk and I hate that.
I am a very depressed kind of PMSer with a large dose of irritation thrown in.

Peas on Toast said...

Apfel - working on it ;)

Jam - Absoltely. This prick is actually endagering people's lives with his fucking ego. Pisses me off. And let's not get started on taxis!

zuzula said...

i sometimes wonder whether anybody knows how to drive anymore. On Saturday i drove past three crashes in five minutes. it was like traffic dominos. it would have been safer (and quicker) for me to walk along the central reservation!

Daedalus said...

Sulk…! …

The pea is only nice to the me cause he has to be ... haha!

ChewTheCud said...

Face it - you wouldn't trust the average road user in south africa to look after your pet goldfish! It sometimes amazes me that these people (some of them) actually passed a learner's test. (Although i did get given all the tests + answers last week ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Zu - I'm telling you it's a worldwide pandemic - people who can't drive.

Daedalus - I'm only nice to you cos I want to be? Never, Daedalus. You're my blog buddy, c'mon. :)

Chewthecud - Scarily enough, I hear of people bribing their way through their drivers tests. If it's true, then we're all in for quite a ride. Literally.

Forty In The Shade said...

Beware the freaks who practice road rage. After giving the finger to a deserving motorist once, he proceeded to tail me to the next red light where he got out of his car, stormed over to mine, reached through the window and began pulling the offensive finger back and forth in a fit of insane rage. So be careful, people are complete lunatics behind the wheel.

Champagne Heathen said...

Oh, but you have nothing to worry about from taxis anymore. On the N1 highway at least. Where they will be abiding by new traffic regulations & stick in their far right designated lane. ...Until they have to take an offramp.

I'm sure the taxi driver I once saw reverse up Oxford or the taxi driver that spent 5 minutes leaning out his window banging on my window & trying to open my passenger door after having followed me 4 blocks and screaming randomly about whoknowswhat (maybe my gesture to him 4 blocks back) would be happy to follow such new rules.

Peas on Toast said...

Forty - I belive you. A poor 80 year old man got killed here the other day in a road rage incident. It's bad and very scary. And this guy, no matter how gung-ho I sound, would've fucked me up proper if he wanted to.

Champers - that's hectic!! Good grief, did you report this to the cops by any chance? (Not that they do anything, but you know.)

Champagne Heathen said...

Naa, I just stared at him with a confused look on my face wondering what on earth he was trying to achieve, or even say. It hadn't even been a bad gesture from me, just a wave of "get off my bumper". I'm all for the appeasing wave and smile. Though I didn't smile at him. I occasionally wondered if he had a gun which he might realise would be a good way to break the window, or when the damn robot was going to turn green. I'm a Jozi chick like that.sigh.

Daedalus said...

Ak… ‘s okey Ertjie … I web-luf ya right back, none-the-less …

I am also an “eager-to-please” (!nsert Ev!l GR!n here). hehe...

wait for it .....
wait for it ......

Peas: "Good for you Daedalus"

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - I've lived here for 4 years now. When will the Jozi girl kick in? You're brave china.

Daedalus - :)

Daedalus said...

:o

She did not say: "good for you Daedalus"!!!

Man ... this is going down hill

Champagne Heathen said...

Brave or dumb. You decide. Maybe too much high altitude & pollution levels in your life slowly saps away the intelligence or ability to realise your own strength and size and lack thereof.

other-duke said...

Heeeec-TIC

MeeA said...

New reader, South African expat in Dubai (can't wait to move back in a few months' time!).
You guys are so lucky to be able to gooi a couple of zaps when you're pissed off by arseholes on the road. Here, you gooi a zap or swear at him and the dickhead can open a criminal case against you. Get into a fight, and you could be looking at jail time, deportation or both! So you bite your tongue and try not to spontaneously combust...
Best to just turn up the ole Bob Marley on your stereo, then smile & wave at the fucker.
;)