Tuesday, January 11, 2005

A letter I wrote to him back then...

Hi 30.09.04

This is odd, writing you another letter. But just because you have nothing to say to me, it doesn’t mean I have nothing to say to you. Fuck Richard! Do you really think I was meant to mess up three lives? I phoned you in June because, for two years or whatever I always thought about you. I don’t know why, God only knows why. But the chemistry I felt with you was something that really got to me.

If I was single, then and now, there is no doubt in my mind that we would be together. When I first met up with you in June I felt as if I’d known you forever. I felt no remorse for what I’d done to Steve, as it wasn’t meant to go out of control. But I just kept on seeing you, because the bottom line is this: I liked you more than I was ever allowed to, and I just couldn’t stop seeing you. When we were together it felt like, and as stupid as this sounds, the whole world didn’t exist. You probably didn’t ever feel like this, so I feel like an idiot right now. It’s ironic isn’t it: I’m the one with a boyfriend, yet I still like you more than you like me.
Despite what you think, it sucks being torn in two directions. I have guilt and the dutiful girlfriend thing to do on one side, then I have my ever-growing feelings for you getting in the way. Who do I think about before I fall asleep? Who do I want to see the whole time? Who do I dream about waking up next to? You Richard. You are one of the most electric, impulsive and funniest people I know and I absolutely love it! I suppose my not leaving Steve and breaking his heart into a million pieces can be partly attributed to the fact that I always thought it wasn’t worth it. You are not the type of person who would want to commit to me or love me enough. And I was right it seems! I would crave the way you touched me, kissed, stroked my neck in that way you do and goddammit shagged me, for lack of a better term.

I must’ve missed something between Sunday night and Monday morning, because I couldn’t wait to see you and show you how much I do actually care for you. Then you went on your own mission. It’s one thing I’ve never understood really, and maybe it’s part of your appeal: the way you run hot and cold. One day you’re stoked, loving and happy to see me. Other times you’re all guarded and aloof. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to seem vulnerable and you always think you’re crazy for liking me when I have a boyfriend. Well I’m just as crazy for liking you! I’m totally more in the wrong than you are and one day God will strike me down, not you. I just can’t help the way I feel and that’s that. Yes it’s a strange situation that: Laurian has a boyfriend but desperately wants to show her love for someone else. But then, as I’ve always said, you’re probably loving this little challenge of winning me over. Once you’ve done it, then what? Bye bye Laurian and then go for your Michelle Pfeifer one-celled ex-girlfriend. See? My risk is just as big as yours, but I don’t think you realise that. I’m not on all accounts saying that once you’re with me, that’s it, but how do I know that I’m not going to throw away Steve, who loves and respects me for something that may never materialise?

Since you’re not talking to me anymore and you’ve kind of drifted off into the sunset I might as well just open my heart, since it doesn’t look as though we’re about to hook up any time soon. I have somewhat, I suppose, to some extent, fallen in love with you. Oh fuck it, well yes I do believe I have. Don’t worry, you don’t have to stress, I’m not expecting anything back from you in return, in fact I’m expecting nothing full stop. It’s hectic for me, especially when I realised: I put up with your hot and cold shit and yet I still totally adore you. When I was coming back from Natal I was sitting in the car thinking, as I do, about my nasty little predicament at present and what the hell I am going to have to do to be with you in less than three months because it’s tough holding onto this. And after analysing, and doing what chicks usually do when they all caught up in the moment, I realised that I did love you. But I also realised that I couldn’t be with you if your intentions were unclear. I’m a conservative person. Believe it or not. The fact that I slept with you when we didn’t really know what was going on is a miracle. Well done! That hasn’t happened to me in a loooooong time. I still think about how cute you are when you get all jealous and how I feel when you look at me. I’ll probably never really forget it.

Anyway, if I have caused you any panic/pain or whatever I am sorry. Please know that my intentions were true and I wanted more than anything for this to work out in our favour. I see you might’ve given up on everything, I suppose it’s something I’m going to have to accept.

Love Laurian x

No comments: