Tuesday, January 11, 2005

four months ago...

So I’m so skating on thin ice. The guilt is setting in and I’m hanging on this thread of excitement and risk that keeps my stomach twisted and my heart thumping faster than ever before. It’s like I need to stand back but I can’t. At least everyone knows where they stand, although it isn’t ideal, nothing, or no part of this situation is or ever will be. The only way I could get over this is change the circumstances. Myself. And right now the only viable option would be to fuck off overseas with tow hitch fully utilised, if you get my verboseness. How did life become so complicated? It’s all my fault, and I fully accept that. The responsibility of my actions is sorely being judged by those above and below and it feels awful. I just need to fall in love with Steve again. But it’s impossible when the other thing gives me heart palpitations. People must think I’m a slapper – and it’s so me, I’m a different person it’s just not part of my morals at the moment and I fucking hate it! I feel like I’ve let myself done, but I haven’t, I have enlightened myself and I fuck.! I just know that I really really really don’t want to go away this long weekend. To me that is hell. But I guess I have to. I have no choice here and perhaps it would be the best. I just miss this thing that has encapsulated my soul and fucked with my reasoning and mind. I need him in my life, so people are just going to have to accept that. It’s fucking insane. Everything is insane and I’m hoping the universe will take this fragile and hopeless little situation into its hands and kindly, very kindly give it some sort of problem-solving dimension. By being his friend is the best thing for everybody. And he’ll still be in my life. I just want his love, which doesn’t form part of the societal-acceptable package. Why is everything so fricking hectic.

Crumbs. I know I can’t have everything.

So what the fuck. He is so playing these stupid, horrible gut-wrenching mind games with me? Honestly, have we never crossed communication lines here? So happy one moment, then cold the next. It drives me crazy and I am so not deserving this. Yes so I have a boyfriend right now but I’m missing him like crazy, and I’m sure that’s what he wants. But then, maybe he has just laughed me off and decided that I’m totally not worth this. Fuck I don’t know, but I’m totally not loving this. Even though he’s an idiot that is arrogant. I hate him. But I am so in love with him. I thought I may be before the weekend, and then on the way home, we driving with this beautiful Highveld sunset and I’m thinking of him, getting this warm overwhelmingly fuzzy feeling in my gut. And I’m thinking I am so happy to be back in the city. I am officially in love with this person that I think about 90% of every single day. Fuck do you think it’s easy being in love with two people? Having to slpit your time between two vastly different people. The clincher is that I cannot live without the one, and I’m finding it fucking difficult to live without the other. I miss him so much and I don’t know why he has to be so flipping perfunctory, so black and white. Just like the other one. Fuck this! When I was at the coast, he phoned me from the Offspring concert. We chatted almost everyday and at least had some sort of contact every single day. Then he found out Steve was there, like DUH, but even then he took it well, or so it seems. He then just fobbed me off on Monday and I am mad and sad.

Someone just transport me back to Thailand. Lauren, and I in our drunken states at the Bohemian last night, fucking smsed him saying: “If you tell Laurian you love her, she’ll leave Steve.” I kid you not. I even knew if was a terrible mistake the moment it was sent out. I am so humiliated by my own stupidity it’s frightening. And he hasn’t replied. Naturally. Since he’s ignoring me so much. He has basically dropped off the edge of my Earth and I am handling it, but I miss him terribly. I miss him sooo much. Even if I went to Thailand I’d really just crave for him to be there with me. Fuck, how can he just block me out? It hurts so much. And I suppose I’ll never see him again. Plus he knows I love him, I presume, which is rather ridiculous considering the circumstances. What to do? Maybe it’s the best thing. This guy has been distracting me for about 4 months now, and to the point where I am a different person, a changed devil-woman with a sexual demon inside of her. Plus I’m angry with Steve. I feel so alone and rejected. It sucks. Maybe I should just drop off the edge of the Earth. What do I have to look forward to? Nothing excites me beyond seeing Richard. Great, I’m getting drunk this weekend. Thank goodness, but hardly exciting if I’m not sharing that moment with Richard. God, I miss his arms, legs, hairs, face, laugh, smile, it hrts so bad. But this is the best thing. I suppose. Why are things that are good for you always so shiddy? Like veggies and exercise? It wasn’t a messy horrible break-up, it was just a flat out “I’m never going to talk to you again” silence that warrants nothing. How did it just go off the rails like this. Well I know, but it sucks that he couldn’t try that little bit harder. I have my closure at least, and that was his silence from last night. Silence, contrary to popular belief, must be the best closure ever. He hates me and that’s that. I’m a devil woman. How is it that I can drive past Westcliff and not muse? I just have to do this, and maybe in time it’ll be easier: There are no regrets, it was generally wonderful. I did what I had to do and more. It was a learning experience. I discovered that I could love another person. Love is complex and I am officially an old-soul with this. Rich and I were lovers in a past life (says Candy). He really liked me back, but couldn’t handle that I had a boyfriend, which I suppose is fair. I found out an entirely new person in him. I had no idea how complex he was, or how intelligent, or affectionate.

He bought out a naughty side to me, made me feel like a real woman and intensed my sexuality to breaking point. I lived every single fantasy that I ever wanted with him, minus the hot tub moment. I couldn’t get enough of him. Although my identity, morals and such have been questionable and I probably don’t deserve anybody in the whole world, I discovered something within myself that nobody else could’ve unleashed except for Richard. He also made me realise things in my current relationship: safety first. Emotional, although taxing, is rather endearing. And I do love Steve. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t leave him after all, even though it came as close as God. When I did try, I almost died, and that moment will haunt me forever.

If anything, I have learnt a helluva lot about people during this fling of mine. Society has to be the most damning, judgmental system on Earth. All of my friends, as lovely and as loyal as they are, are society incarnate. They never approved, perhaps just as well, but they never understood it. They have never been in my situation and yet can stand there and judge me. It irritated me beyond. So these things have to stay silent among friends even though you’re bursting to tell them. I know it was odd and wrong on the outset, however I was not loving the extra tension that came with this. Complex love is difficult to deal with. It’s not fun. I hated being torn between two men. And the thing is that people think I seemed to enjoy it, Richard included. Not so. I wonder if things will ever be the same between Steve and I now that Richard is out of the picture? That would be great I suppose, falling in love with Steve all over again. But I am assuming that it won’t happen for a while. I am still completely humg-up over R and it may take a while for my bruised little ego to bounce back. If there’s one mistake I made long time ago: I moved in with my boyfriend. I have no doubt in my mind that I was too young and stuff and if I was living alone R and I would be together. Mark said so too. But leaving Steve is divorcing him. It’s hard, horrible and definite. I also loose so many mutual friends, because I’m the bitch. So much for loyal friends. Those friends are definitely not people I’m going to hanging out with anytime soon after what Laura said over the weekend. Also, I don’t need to. Steve can’t hang out with mine, or won’t and therefore I won’t with his. Simple. Easy. Plus I’m also never going to his parents again. His mother and brother irritate me so much it’s scary so no. Enough. I have just about had it with being controlled, and that’s probably a small reason as to why I did. What to do, where to go and such. Steve organises my life. And it sucks and I hate it. No more. He can leave me if he wants to. Being single might just be the best thing for me right now. How do I escape? I feel trapped by my life! I have built my life around me, which is trapping me like a wall. Every brick, every plan, has encapsulated me into this horrible little temple of doom. I can’t leave. I am too co-dependant. I am stuck and I don’t see anything changing soon.

Well he finally phoned me. Like last week Wednesday or Thursday. He wanted to meet for coffee in Greenside. He sounded very off, I was not looking forward to it. I knew it was about the usual shit. “So did you drag me here to talk about the usual shit again, I mean, what’s the point when I already know what you going to say?” I pretty much figured why he was ignoring me. We didn’t say much about the sms thank God, and I kind of just told him that let’s not ever talk about it again. He was visibly bummed with me and I didn’t have much to say, but then he gave me reasons why he’d be a great boyfriend. He’d give me flowers, write me letters, look after me, read my stories, be faithful, etc, etc, etc. We were both counting all what we’d do on each other’s fingers. We just can’t help touching each other the whole time. I left there feeling happier and more in control, although let’s face it, I’m so not in control at the moment.
The next day I went up Carlton Centre with my colleagues and had Attitude Adjusters. He phoned me. Wait Steve phoned first, and it was ok. Then he phoned, and I jumped out of my seat and chatted to him with stars bursting from my eyes. He wanted to see me that night, he was having drinks at his new place with a couple of mates. I definitely agreed to go – duh. Plus Steve had his hockey formal so was busy the whole night. So I went there at about seven. He was so happy to see me, and his new place is great. He kissed me enthusiastically all over my neck and hugged me tight. Tim and Matt were there. We popped open beers and I showed them my photos on this computer, when Matt spilt his beer on the keyboard. Big stress. But I sorted it out the next morning. We drove to Matt’s to get some doob and came back. Rich started acting up in his little cold passively-aggressive way. I even made him more dinner when he burnt his the first time. So when it came to leaving and going out in Melville, I asked if he wanted me to come. It turned out he didn’t. I was really hurt. But I retracted and tried to smile and left. I thought it was all about the boyfriend issues again. So I left to go home, roared home really, in a daze and overwhelmed state. He started phoning me almost straightaway, but my battery ran flat. So only got his message when I got home: La, it’s Rich. Please pick up. I know what I did was probably the most awful thing ever and I’m really sorry. I’m actually driving around looking for you now. I need to talk to you about shit and I overacted, I’m so sorry. Ok, whatever, Where are you? He arrives like two minutes after me outside my flat. Surprisingly, I say this, because I never thought out of everything that this would be his issue, he was jealous how I was talking to his friends. He says that I ignore him when they’re around. I laughed of course, since I can’t keep my eyes off him and he looks so sexy and smeltering in blue. He creates drama whenever he can around himself if I have learned anything and it can be completely draining at times. Anyway, we chatted and he seemed to understand what my motives were: trying to get to know his whole life and such. We then got better, I was more affectionate with him, we kissed, touched and laughed. When things are ,like this between us, nothing in the world matters. Everyone might as well fall off he edge of the earth, because I am so in love. He is amazing. We would kiss at a green light for ages, not caring about anything. We would kiss each others fingers and hold each other. It was bliss. We eventually joined everyone in Melville and I joked that I was being tested. It was great, we would lock eyes for about 3 minutes and I would float. It was the closest thing I’ve experienced to heaven in ages. He would touch me, and I would die. No one else existed, I didn’t even care if we were found out. It just didn’t matter.

We went back to his place and made love. It was amazing. He told me I was beautiful during it. Then he played guitar for me. He played me songs, sang to me and it was so cute. I wanted to lie in his arms forever. He had to take me home though and he said, “you should be staying with me, you know.” God I loved him on Friday.
Went there on Saturday and we did it again. We went to the petrol station and he came out grinning with three packs of domes. We went back and did it again. During his phonecall to his friend, I’ll never forget this: he’d lean over and kiss me while the other guy was talking. It was amazing and I was so ready to leave Steve during December. I met his dad and he said his dad liked me. We prepared for Tuesday, Steve away I was going to sleep over at Richard’s. I also knew I had to talk to him about stuff. I arrived, we messed about then he took me for dinner at Illovo Centre or whatever. He got all silent and cold again. I’d had enough. I demanded he talk me back and didn’t speak to him the whole way home. I went inside, grabbed my stuff and I could see he was trying to talk to me, but I just carried on. I said as I was about to walk out, “Well I have just one more thing to say before this ends: I’ve fallen in love with you Rich. Now I don’t expect anything back from you, but that’s how I feel regardless of what you think.” And I stomped out. He said, “Wow, well that’s heavy. I love being stoked for you and I dig you so much.” (That means nothing to me.) And then he wouldn’t open the gate cos he said he didn’t want me to go. Then he went on about all these other issues like his life isn’t settled or stable, leaving his folks and all this other CRAP. He wouldn’t open the gate, said he didn’t want me to go. Fuck that. And I left. I phoned him when I got home because I was gutted. And I still am. I love him and am so hurt when he does this to me. I guess this is my little sign from God saying don’t do it. Woke up remembering a time when I loved Steve so much and, the songs I used to play wishing he’d come back. If only it was like that now. But I miss Rich, I want him and I am so upset that I’ll never see him again. I can’t even work, I’m going to cry.

Told him what my dad did after he told me that his aunt was screwing around. He lkistened intently. I love it when he does that. He said it’s in my genes. Great. Whatever. He’s started listening to hip hop. I teased him because it’s because of me. Ha ha. Whatever. I’m so gutted today. I cannot work. I just want to run away and forget this person that has caused me this pain and this love. It’s so unfair. I have no idea what to do. Except move on and try to forget about Rich and focus my attention on Steve. Then suddenly maybe my life will be less dramatic. I so cause my dramas and seem to thrive on them but what the hell this sucks. I have never been more frustrated over someone in my life and I’m so cross I almost invested my heart in this. If he was normal and did what he did when he was happy at least 80% of the time, not 50% of the time, I so would’ve gone for him. Sex with him was great every time. And I am so sad. He can just decide when to be cold and hot, I just have to go along with it! That freaking sucks. I know most of it is because I have boyfriend and he wants to be with me, “Let’s make passionate like.” What the hell. I told him I loved him! For God’s sake, that has totally fucked me up. But at least I have closure now and at least I’ve said what I had to say. He can just pretend I don’t exist and take my little blurt out with him. It hurts so bad. I’ll never be held or kissed by him again and I’m so sad. Space is what we need. And space will probably last for eternity. So then there you go, you got it big guy. I’ll never bother you again and you’ll find someone tomorrow to make you happy. As you said, “What do we really have in common? We connect on a certain level but some things not.” You said it. And now I’m taking the arrow out of my hip.

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