I was so nervous yesterday, my stomach was all twisted up, and by the time 7:00pm came along, I could hardly breathe. He phoned to say he would be late. I said that's fine. Then he phoned again and said sorry, because "I sounded upset." I said, "No, really. It's totally fine, bro."
It was so hectic, I cannot even explain it. And I realised i wasn't ready to see him once we had arrived at the pub. We chatted about our jobs, lives, friends, everything, except our love lives. It was good. Then when we arrived, he just sort of blurted out, "I was completely fucked around by this girl I dated for six weeks. I got what I deserved, but it hurt hey." Huh? Eeek? Hold on, take that back, I don't want to hear that right now!!!! I got out, all wobbly-kneed and headed straight for the bar. I saw his friends, who were obviously a little confused as to why I was there.
I was completely traumatised, but sisn't really realise this at the time, sue to the copious amounts of liquor I was throwing down my throat.
Of course, I tortured myself more by asking questions, pretending to be interested. He told me she was a 21-year old bimbo and was completely the opposite of me. Well thanks. And she broke up with him because he had no time for her because he's now studying his MBA. I n=wanted to vomit. So I chatted to one of his good mates alot, who now wanted my number and wants to meet for drinks sometime. EEEEEK, no thank you! I even told the ex, "look I'm not interested in him, can you please just tell him that?"
From what I gathered from this sad little experience:
1)I still love him, and judging from the attention he gave me, he doesn't love me back. He's really serious about being friends, that's the harsh reality of it.
2) Yet, he was wierd. When we pulled up at my door, he told me to choose a song, so I chose Maroon 5's And She Will Be Loved. How drunk was I ???? And then he said, "I gotta go see my cousin." So we said a brief goodbye and I walked to my door. Then he phoned me and said, "Sorry it was such an abrupt goodbye." Right, ok whatever.
3)I passed out in my bed, yet toosed and turned all night, and woke up with a roaring hangover. I got emotional and cried my eyes out for like 2 hours this morning. My face looks like a red...pie. It's quite unbelievable.
4)I was DEFINATELY not ready to hear about who he has recently had sex with.
5)I am a very fucked-up person. I have a boyfriend, with whom I am in love - i think - yet I still love my ex. So I am where I was last year: I am in love with two people. I hate it. And it's a recurring nightmare it seems.
6)I really really have no idea what I am going to do with this. We will probably meet for a drink again, in like a couple of weeks. And I want to see him, yet it still hurts.
7)I really thought I was more special. Hell we were together for six months, which isn't LONG, but more than six weeks! How pathetic am I?
On a brighter note: Is there anyone out there that loves potato salad?