Friday, February 25, 2005

crumbs

I was so nervous yesterday, my stomach was all twisted up, and by the time 7:00pm came along, I could hardly breathe. He phoned to say he would be late. I said that's fine. Then he phoned again and said sorry, because "I sounded upset." I said, "No, really. It's totally fine, bro."

It was so hectic, I cannot even explain it. And I realised i wasn't ready to see him once we had arrived at the pub. We chatted about our jobs, lives, friends, everything, except our love lives. It was good. Then when we arrived, he just sort of blurted out, "I was completely fucked around by this girl I dated for six weeks. I got what I deserved, but it hurt hey." Huh? Eeek? Hold on, take that back, I don't want to hear that right now!!!! I got out, all wobbly-kneed and headed straight for the bar. I saw his friends, who were obviously a little confused as to why I was there.

I was completely traumatised, but sisn't really realise this at the time, sue to the copious amounts of liquor I was throwing down my throat.

Of course, I tortured myself more by asking questions, pretending to be interested. He told me she was a 21-year old bimbo and was completely the opposite of me. Well thanks. And she broke up with him because he had no time for her because he's now studying his MBA. I n=wanted to vomit. So I chatted to one of his good mates alot, who now wanted my number and wants to meet for drinks sometime. EEEEEK, no thank you! I even told the ex, "look I'm not interested in him, can you please just tell him that?"

From what I gathered from this sad little experience:

1)I still love him, and judging from the attention he gave me, he doesn't love me back. He's really serious about being friends, that's the harsh reality of it.

2) Yet, he was wierd. When we pulled up at my door, he told me to choose a song, so I chose Maroon 5's And She Will Be Loved. How drunk was I ???? And then he said, "I gotta go see my cousin." So we said a brief goodbye and I walked to my door. Then he phoned me and said, "Sorry it was such an abrupt goodbye." Right, ok whatever.

3)I passed out in my bed, yet toosed and turned all night, and woke up with a roaring hangover. I got emotional and cried my eyes out for like 2 hours this morning. My face looks like a red...pie. It's quite unbelievable.

4)I was DEFINATELY not ready to hear about who he has recently had sex with.

5)I am a very fucked-up person. I have a boyfriend, with whom I am in love - i think - yet I still love my ex. So I am where I was last year: I am in love with two people. I hate it. And it's a recurring nightmare it seems.

6)I really really have no idea what I am going to do with this. We will probably meet for a drink again, in like a couple of weeks. And I want to see him, yet it still hurts.

7)I really thought I was more special. Hell we were together for six months, which isn't LONG, but more than six weeks! How pathetic am I?

On a brighter note: Is there anyone out there that loves potato salad?

15 comments:

Third World Ant said...

poodle, you've just got to realise this meeting up with ex-flames and desirables is not the right path for you. you know you want more than you're actually capable of accepting (thanks to the permanent man in your life), which just compounds the torture for you. accept that this is the last time you can do this if you're not willing to commit to what he (whoever that he may be) offers you. you're not fucked up, but you're a hell of a masochist.

Peas on Toast said...

Honestly, everything would have been fine if he hadn't shared the fact that he'd been shagging some other bird.

Masochist? Pah! Torture Queen more like it.

Christopher said...

Laurian,

I hope you are feeling better.

I had some rather disturbing news lasy night. I was on the phone to my ex. I was once again bending ober backwards to be nice (In the spirit of Karma) and she wanted to come down for the weekend and spend sometime with me. I thought that would be nice to see how we could be with my new calmer attitude. Midway through the chat she blurted out that she was seeing someone in her office.
She couldn't understand my shock and that's what got to me. It was then that I realised I was her fall back boy....again. She has someone but she wants to do all the same things we used to do when we were 'friends with potiential'.
It was then that I realised how truly selfish she is. She's moved on but she won't allow me the same option. She knows full well that I couldn't if it was still 'on the table'.
It was actually the closure I needed. I didn't cry. I was shocked but not upset.
With our history and her CV of short-changing me emotionally she has found someone first and I'm the sucker who gets it in the nec and becomes nothing more than her personal safety net.
This may sound like the ramblings of a stupid man but I thought I'd share the male side of things.

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Chris

It breaks my heart, your story. I'm glad I heard it. Because that's what I felt like last night. Now that his stupid six-week shagathon is over, we are friends again. Friends shmends. It was torture.And my hangover is just making me feel worse. I'm so proud that you didn't cry and had the sensibility and maturity to realise what your situation was at face-value. Something that I obviously don't have the maturity to do right now. Accept that he never did love me, never will and that I'm just his little comfort thing when he's down. Wait, but I KNOW he liked me lots and I did make a serious impression of him. Why did he call me after I left his car? Wait, I;m doing it again. See?
Maybe I should see this as closure. But for some reason this hurts more than our actual break up. I'm glad to see that men actually feel something too. I've become quite a man-cynic of late, so thanks for your post.

My friend Jo said that when a girl's heart is broken, she talks to her friends. When a man's heart is broken, he fucks someone else. How true is this?

B said...

To be honest, it took me 4 months to get over the girl that I loved... and we ultimately ended up cutting off contact with each other. If you don't feel like you are ready to see him, then don't. Give it some time and try again later if need be. And don't call yourself fucked up... you have some emotions that you are dealing with, nothing more.

Chris, you aren't stupid man. Definately not stupid to feel that way about your ex. Women can be bitches man... just depends on who it is.

Christopher said...

My ex just text me and said "I understand how you feel but are we going to be friends or never see each other again?" I don't want to give her the satisfaction of being hurtful, sarcastic or wounded. I have chosen to say nothing. Whatever I say will only help her. If I'm a bastard she can think bad thoughts whilst hanging around with her new boyfriend and if I'm nice I'm Mr Doormat again.
The real kick in the guts is her sudden change of attitude.
"I could never replace you. I need time away from relationships etc etc" and at the slightest sniff of attention she's over me in a heartbeat. Clearly, she can forget four years in a blink.

Laurian--I don't know about other men (I'm not really a man's man if you get me) but I have no intention of fucking anyone and, as you can tell, I'm more than happy to yap on about it. Screwing some random woman wouldn't help. I can't do things like that. I miss companionship and belonging more than sex.

B--Thanks for your words. You're right. I have the closure I need. As my friend recently said "There is a fine line between noble and stupid". I can't be noble with her anymore. She's not my problem.

Sorry, Laurian. I'm kind of taking over your comments section. If it helps, from your blog and the impression you give me, your ex is missing someone special.
I'll keep my chin up if you will xxx

Stephanie said...

Laurian,

I am so very sorry that you had a terrible night. Your post was heartbreaking. If I could give you a hug I would.

Try not to beat yourself up about what happened. Nobody could have taken the news you got without feeling the way you did and it was very admirable and brave of you to
meet up with him in the first place. I have been where you are and it sucks royally. My ex frequently tried to talk to me about his dates before I moved out and it made me feel like a big stupid shit. Just remember that he isn't happy doing what he is doing and you seem far better off in your relationship. He may have shagged someone else, but he obviously isn't happy.

Also, don't start doubting the relationship you had. I am sure that he cared for you a great deal while you were together and part of that is because you are a special and lovely person. That hasn't changed and you will find happiness elsewhere.

If I were you, I would probably call off meeting up again until you think that you can face it. Otherwise it will just be like picking a wound and I know from recent experience that it isn't much fun.

Take care of yourself!

Stephanie
xx

Ed Abbey said...

I like potato salad. Just had some last night!

zuzula said...

Jeez, that does sound like torture. I've always been an advocate of remaining in touch with exes but I've stopped doing it now - it's just too painful. I think you always wonder whether the old chemistry is still there - and the thought of them ever having that chemistry with anyone else is horrid. He sounds a tad insensitive for not realising that. Does he know about your fella?

Two | Face said...

Potato salad with wallnuts for me please.

When I moved to SA I asked the woman I was involved with to come with but no that was too far away from her family. I was two months here I got an email from her saying she was moving to Puerto Rico. RIGHT!

Paperslut said...

Coldplay's new cd was supposed to be out sometime april,but now it's been pushed back till the end of this year... sadly.

The exam was a creative test, so didn't have to "study" per se. Still,tomorrows the group discussion and interview. So, fingers crossed.

I know someone who went thru the exact same thing as you... and is still wondering whether the guy loves her or not. At least you're open about it... she pretends.

Anyways, take care, and don't watch too many senti films!

Binsk said...

You poor girl, it really is tough to love two guys I know. You feel guilty and confused. Hang in there, I'm sure it will work itself out soon, in your mind and in your life.

Blog ho said...

I'm crying now. Thanks guys. You and Christopher are making me weep like a little girl. You two should totally hook up. Long distance relationship be damned! After...time, of course.

B said...

Chris, you and I are a lot alike. I too am a guy that doesn't really give a damn if I have sex or not. I would much rather have companionship and romance in a relationship than a swift fuck, then kick to the curb. Definately not into doing that. If I were you, don't pay the bitch anymore attention. Hopefully she has enough of a brain to figure out that your continuing friendship, or otherwise a "lean on person" role, is killing you on the inside and she just leaves you alone.

And nice quote. There is a very fine line. Hopefully things go better for you Chris.

And Lauren, don't worry bout your ex. If he tries to make more arrangements, then delay him until you feel you are ready.

Nettie said...

Awww, I'm sorry it didn't go as well as you were hoping. And I'm also sorry that I hate potato salad...Hang in there girl, but don't keep torturing yourself!