I have this friend from back at school that’s shacking it up in London. Obviously I don’t get to see her much. At all. For about 5 years now in fact. And she has this irritating habit of forwarding me these little quiz things on e-mail at least every six months. And the answers are always the same. Here it is, here are my answers. You’re a new group after all.
1) What time did you get up this morning? Earlier then usual...about 7:00 am. But usually up at 7:30 am. It blows.
2) Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds are the proverbial girl's best friend. If I could get diamond-filled fillings, I probably would. Pearls are SO old-school.
3) What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Closer. Was in-your-face blunt about relationships, honesty and betrayal. Twas very good actually. However, I distinctly remember being very uncomfortable the whole time, because I put way too much salt over my popcorn.
4) What is your favourite TV show at the moment? You may cringe. The Simple Life and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Yes, yes I hate Paris. But I like Nicole. Jai and Kyan are rather scrumptious in QEFASG. I also love Punk’d and Friends, naturally.
5) What did you have for breakfast this morning? Erm, a drumstick. Leftovers from dinner last night.
6) What is your middle name? Jane. The plainness balances out the complexity of Laurian. It could be worse: my dad’s is St Elwyn. Swear to God.
7) What is your favourite cuisine? Thai. Especially Tom Yam Soup.
8) What do you dislike? Avocados, mussels and oysters. Little slimey globules of salty snot in their own juices is not what I find appealing. I also dislike people with very nasally voices.
9) What is your favourite crisp flavour? Pringles plain salted and Nik Naks after a big night out.
10) What is your favourite CD at the moment? Maroon 5 and Star Sailor. (Still. SS is a keeper. I could shag the album it’s so hot right now.) Am I allowed to say Lionel Ritchie, or will I be shot?
11) What kind of car do you drive? The question is....what colour is it? It's white..ish.
12) Favourite sandwich? Nothing beats chicken mayo or cheese and tomato. On special occasions, brie and parma ham. Otherwise, my favourite favourite: two olive-skinned dark-haired boys on either side of me.
13) What characteristic do you despise? Arrogance. There's nothing worse than when someone loves himself. Close second, dishonesty. Pies over lies any day. And whining.
14) Favourite item of clothing? My bomber from Oxfam in the 70s (cost mum 50p!) and my green cut-so-low-its-frightening top thing. Is the item du jour. F*cking great.
15) If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? At this point, Tokyo. I'm getting quite frantic wanting to go.
16) What colour is your bathroom? Babycrap green. Seventies style.
17) Favourite brand of clothing? Is this for real? Do people care still? And what if I shop at the Oriental Plaza? Do fakes count? If so, my favourite brands are Goochi, Deezil and Gess. I also like Virsarchee.
18) Where would you retire to? Menerbes in the Luberon in Provence. I'll buy my 2CV citroen, in red, and bounce around between the lavender and cheese markets. Oh and I'll drink sweet, sweet wine every day without a care in the world....The Deuxche will have a massive-maseeeve-stereo system in it as well. Pumping the golden favourites of my twenties...The Boogie That Be, a little bit of Dre...ok enough..enough! I have another 35 years of hard labour ahead of me!
19) Favourite time of the day? It's definitely not the morning. Until about 10:00 am, I am a dangerous person to be around.
20) What was your most memorable birthday? I had a ghetto pimp party last year (24). Um, I can't remember the one's before that...oh wait! When I was ten, Skye threw me a surprise party. That kicked.
21) Where were you born? Pietermaritzburg, Natal. I'm super-Colonial, see. Very old money. Very not nouveau riche. Very “Earl Grey and croquet.” Very country club. Very Mercedes Benz as opposed to BMW. Also very “I like to talk bullshit and dream.”
22) Favourite sport to watch? Downhill skiing on ESPN. Please, just please don’t make me watch cricket. I really have a problem with watching such a dangerously boring thing.
23) When last did you have sex? Huh? On Valentine’s Day. It sounds romantic. It wasn’t. Won’t go into details.
24) Ever had sex in a public place and where? Yes. Kirtsenbosch Botanical Garden/copious carparks/in the garden/Cape Sun elevator.
25) What fabric detergent do you use? Omo dude. The African way.
26) Coke or Pepsi? Coke. I mean, come on.
27) Are you a morning person or a night? The morning is a sad, scary and horrible place to be. Please let's not go there.
28) What is your shoe size? 7. (40 European??) If I was a guy, I’d be well-hung. Or maybe not.
29) Do you have any pets? Mason my guinea-pig. My widdle itty bitty boykie!
30) Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends? Um, I'm a gay man trapped in a women's body. Sorry mum. Oh, and I'm getting hammered tonight. Oh, and I really like mashed potato.
31) What did you want to be when you were little? A vet. Yes, helping cows give birth in the middle of paddock at 4:00 am actually used to appeal to me. But my maths was never a strong point, so I was bunted by Onderstepoort. However, I am a writer now and have always wanted to be. So it's worked out really. Once, I dabbled with wanting to be a marine biologist, a doctor, a heart surgeon, a professional figure-skater, a stripper, a jazz pianist and a pyramid schemer. But I do those in my spare time instead.
Are we done now?